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October 31, 2001

All Hallow's Eve

All Hallow's Eve

Happy Halloween, everybody!

Halloween is my absolute number one most favoritest holiday, EVER. Maybe it's my inner Druid...I dunno. I've always loved it. The spooking, the scaring, the candy, the punkin carving...mostly the fact that the fundies don't like it...that's always been a big bonus.

So, what are you doing for Halloween? Why don't you post a picture of your costume in the comment area? I'd post mine, but I haven't put it on yet. I'm gonna be a ghoul, complete with pointy ears and bald head...no fangs, though. Fangs were too damn expensive.

Hope everyboody (ha!) has a great day and safe evening, whatever you may decide to do.


October 30, 2001

Who was the weakest link?

Who was the weakest link?

So I just got back from my taping of The Weakest Link.

I'm bound by contract to not say a single word about the show, like who did what, or who won, or anything like that...


I can say something, that is going to rock everyone's world. It certanly rocked mine.

I sat in the green room (a place where actors hang out while they get stuff ready. There's food, drinks, and TV, usually), and watched the World Series.

Not a big deal, right?

Well, I watched The World Series, With WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER.

It was so goddamn cool. I was sitting there, talking about baseball with him, discussing Randy Johnson versus Curt Shilling (Who was better), the various strategies employed by the teams during the few innings that we were watching...and he was so cool to me, I don't even know what to do. He was nice. He was funny. He was warm, genuine, and basically just a 100% cool-ass guy.

Matter of fact, I can say this one thing about the show: William Shatner was the funniest I have ever seen him, or anyone who was in Star Trek, ever.

William Shatner has earned 50,000 cool points with me, after tonight. One for each monkey at this site.

So, until further notice, I am dropping the FUCKING from WILLIAM SHATNER, and I am closing the store at the end of the week, even though it's earning me enough to pay for the MASSIVE bandwidth I'm consuming here.

William Shatner, you are my new buddy. I'll see you for Game 4. I'm buying the first round.

Oscillate Wildly

Oscillate Wildly

Guess where I'm going, right now?

I'm going to play on a special Star Trek edition of Weakest Link!!

It's all for charity, and my charity is The Electronic Frontier Foundation. They're guaranteed $10,000 of TWL's money, and even more, if I can make it to the end, and best my opponents, who include...WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER.

Holy Crap. This is going to be SO MUCH FUN!

RFB is on autopilot all day, today. There's an IRC chat room called #rfb at irc.undernet.org

Have fun, everybody!

October 29, 2001

Slashdot, redux

Slashdot, redux

Have you read the Slashdot interview, yet?

I am really proud of it, and the comments there have been overwhelmingly positive. I caught myself beaming more than once, as I read it.

Considering how things have been lately, this really made me feel good.

A big thanks to everyone who mirrored the site. That was super cool. :-)

October 28, 2001



I finally finished answering the questions from the Slashdot interview.

They're going to be posted tomorrow, so the site will go down for another 24 hours, starting sometime tomorrow around 12 or 1 PST.

If you can mirror the site, let me know ASAP, and I'll put up some temporary links.

RFB will be up all day tomorrow, barring any more live365 trauma.

No Runs for You!

No Runs for You!

Randy Johnson pitches complete game shut out of the Yankees tonight.

I bet this is going to generate more flames than anything I've said yet, but I dislike the Yankees just slightly more than I dislike the D'backs, so this series is a lot like a presidential election...but Johnson and Pettitte...holy crap what a game!

Top 3 things I liked about tonight's game:

3. Yanks are shut out. Shove that in your 'mystique'.

2. Johnson, being interviewed after the game, is super cool, and praises Pettitte over and over again, saying what a great pitcher he is, and it's 100% genuine. No false modesty. Maybe The Unit isn't such a tool after all.

1. The game is over fast enough to guarantee The Simpsons will start on time tonight in LA.

You can roll a rollo to your pal

You can roll a rollo to your pal

"In modern society the opposite of courage is not cowardice; it is

conformity." --Rollo May



The night Max made mischief of one kind and another his mother called him "Wild Thing!" and sent him to bed.



Don't just call me pessimist. Try and read between the lines.

October 27, 2001



I loved those old vinyl Halloween costumes. I loved how cheesy they were, and how they smelled.

Remember them? They had that plastic mask, with the rubber cord that dug into your scalp? And your breath would condense around the mouthpiece, and you'd end up taking it off, so you wouldn't be wearing that Luke Skywalker mask, you'd just be wearing a plastic shirt?

Retrocrush has a great article about those costumes.

What a difference 24 hours makes. I'm feeling much better today, after getting so much stuff off my chest yesterday. Sorry if it seemed like I was whining. That wasn't my intention. Good thing is, some of my funny has returned.

Went out to dinner last night with my wife, which we haven't been able to do for weeks. There was a long wait, so we sat in the bar until our table was ready.

There's this large party next to us, also waiting to be seated. They are quite drunk. Their name is called ("Donner, party of 8? Donner party?" har.), and they get up to go. The bar waitress tells them that she'll have her drinks sent to their table.

One guy, this tall, mullet-headed, acidwashed-jeaned, pink-shirted guy stands up, and gets way to close to her, and says, "Hey, baby, come over here with me, and I'll take care of the tab."

She looks at him, and tells him that her register-thing is the other way, but the guy is so drunk, and so lame that he is insisting that she follow him. He takes out his wallet, and produces a wad of bills to emphasize his point.

She just keeps walking, and he drunkenly walks into the restaurant with his buddies.

So I've got a soda coming my way, and our name is called ("Jass? Party of 2? Jass?" har.). So I walk over to the waitress, and tell her that we've been called, and could she please make sure that my soda is brought to our table.

She says sure, and I pause for a second, and say, "Or, if you'd rather, I can put on my pink shirt, invade your personal space, and hit on you. Whichever you'd prefer."

She cracks up, and says, "Oh my god. What was with that guy? Thanks. That was really funny."

And I felt genuinely good for the first time in days, because I made someone laugh, hard.

There was much rejoicing.

October 26, 2001

Slow Emotion Replay

Slow Emotion Replay

So you've probably noticed that my posts the last week or so have kind of sucked. I haven't had much to say, and the things that I have had to say haven't been, well, funny, or very interesting. Now, I'm not trolling for sympathy here, so don't bother. I really don't want that. I want to write about how I'm feeling right now, in the hopes that I will get some Zen from it, or at least feel better when I'm done.

I'm super depressed recently. Really unhappy, and very upset with just about everything, personally, professionally, and with the world we live in, and life in general.

I am profoundly shaken by what's happening in our world now, and being labeled "against us" is really upsetting to me. It is just sheer idiocy to blindly follow anyone, in my opinion, and what I see happening now is just that. If you're not a sheep following George and the Majority, you're somehow complicit, and you think it's a good thing that 6000 innocent people died on September 11. If you value your privacy, and don't think it's a good idea for the federal government to have the authority to walk into your house whenever they feel like it, you're not patriotic. Well, I for one am absolutely sick of this shit. The USA act has cleared Congress, with minimal debate, and awaits a signature from the Oval Office, and I am just sick about it. I'm not trying to sound alarmist, I'm really not, but go read some of the provisions included in the bill. We have just taken a huge step towards becoming a police state. The horse is so out of the barn, that I don't think we'll ever be able to put it back in. Think of it this way: our politicians all privately agree that the War On Drugs is a complete and utter failure, and has done NOTHING to help addicts, or stop people from abusing drugs, yet they funnel BILLIONS of dollars into it each year, so they don't appear "soft on drugs." The same thing is going to happen with terrorism. These laws have some "sunset clauses", but they're not going to be repealed, because congress doesn't want to appear "soft on terrorism". So many of the fundamental rights that we've all taken for granted are in serious danger.

I am sick and tired of the farking government shoving itself into virtually every aspect of my life, and we as a nation are completely to blame for that. How many of us didn't vote? How many people will write letters to UPN when they pre-empt "Buffy", but won't write their Mayor, or their Congressman? I know that there are still people left in the country like me, who are progressive, and activist, but our voice has increasingly become a lone cry in a hurricane of lobbyists and Big Business interests. Now, we compete with the Siren's wail of "patriotism".

What happened to our revolution? It was bought out by Wal*Mart and Microsoft, Starbucks and Coca Cola. They say that a Democracy gives the people a government that they deserve. Shame on us all.

I am scared to death to fly now. More than I've ever been, and recent events have just affirmed what I've felt all along: airport security in the US is a complete joke. It's window dressing, meant to convey a false sense of security to the masses, so they'll keep flying.

I feel helpless to have any effect in all of this now, and that feeling is just killing me. I remember when I was 18, working on Toy Soldiers in Virginia. Keith Coogan and I drove up to DC for a day, to see all the things around The Mall. I went into the National Archives, and looked at the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution. I read the Bill of Rights, and I cried. I was so moved by it, and felt so proud to live in a country where "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

I was profoundly moved, and understood what it meant that "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Those rights, so fundamental to our very existence, have been steadily eroded in my lifetime, and I fear that the passage of the USA act has stripped away most of what is left. I mean, it's only a matter of time before I get sent to a "Patriot Camp" to "Re-educate" me about my ideas, when I write things like this.

(Okay, that's hyperbolic, but you get my drift, right?)

On a more personal note, I am just tired. I'm depressed and I feel like my life is under siege. I'm so farking sick of not working that I'm ready to dig a hole and never come out. Not getting the job on Win Ben Stein's Money was devastating to me. I know that I was good enough for it, because the executive producer told me so. I know that coming in second is great, because lots of people didn't make it to even the final four, but that doesn't pay my bills, or feed my family. I am so tired of coming in second, I'm feeling like I should just hang them up, go back to college, and find a new career. It is becoming harder and harder to support my family by just being an actor. What do you think would be worse? Not making it out of basecamp, or dying 100 meters from the peak of Everest? I feel like Sisyphus.

The worst thing about being an actor is not working. The second worst thing about being an actor is knowing that your whole life could turn around in a second, with one phone call. No wonder so many of us end up dead, or in a cult.

I'm also having a hard time with some of the attention I'm getting from this site. Some stuff is beginning to creep me out, and is making me VERY uncomfortable. Bear with me a second here, while I attempt to explain what's going on...I'm getting tons of emails, and some of them are very, very disturbing. People think that, because I write this site, or because I reply to an email, that we're best friends. That is so not the case. In my real life, I can count my "friends" on both my hands. My close friends can be counted with 4 fingers. Friendship is not something that I take lightly, and it creeps me out that others would throw the term around with such ease. Look, having this site has been, and will hopefully continue to be lots of fun, and I think it's super cool that such a large community has sprung up here...but you gotta respect my limits. The internet gives such a false sense of intimacy, and I'm feeling like I have to waaayyy pull back here, or take the whole damn thing offline altogether. I actually got an angry email from someone who was pissed that I'd "turned my back on all my gay fans", because "I had gotten married and I have kids". WTF is that?! The nerve of some people is really, really wearing on me.

That interview I did for Adequacy really came back to bite me in the ass. I was led to believe that it was going to be a funny, sarcastic, satirical thing, but it would appear that I am the butt of the joke there. I hope they're kidding, but being called a crass, sexist, oaf really hurts me, because nothing could be further from the truth. Someone says that I am "so despicable, on so many levels". Why? Because I made some jokes in an interview that was supposed to be a joke? I honestly don't understand some most people. I guess it's my own fault for being trusting. I got trolled, and trolled but good. Congratulations.

I remember, back in the day, when people had this agenda, and it was to prove to themselves and anyone who cared to listen, that because Wesley Crusher was someone they didn't like, Wil Wheaton was a jackass too. So they'd take things I said, out of context, and use them to support their position, and prove to the world (or at least their local Star Trek club) that they were right. I can't believe that shit is still going on. It's exactly what happened with that Entertainment Weekly blurb. That woman who did the "review" could have EASILY emailed me, and gotten some context, or some comments, but she was determined to show how we were all losers and has-beens, so that's what she did.

There is nothing worse for an actor than being called a has-been, because it's an inevitability in your career, and if happens before you're 30, well, you're farked. Perception is everything, and being perceived as a has-been just kills me. I don't think of myself that way, but it seems that, because idiots like The Coreys and the rest of them are all fuckups and burnouts that the rest of us are, too.

Finally, something happened today while I was at my mom's house: I got officially, completely and utterly sick to death of Star Trek. I was standing in her kitchen, and I suddenly went from zero to completely sick of it. I still like to watch it, and I think it's cool, but I quit when I was 18 so I wouldn't be 30 and still living it...well, now I'm still living it, I'm just not getting paid to do it anymore. Doing conventions used to be lots of fun...but I can't do them anymore. Either I'm in, or I'm out, you know? I got out, and I have to stay out.

Do you know how many emails I get everyday that say, "I hated your character"? Jesus. I think it's well meaning, (they usually follow up with something like "but you seem cool", like the jury is still out, because they have such an attachment to hating that stupid character) but enough already, okay? I get it. It's over, guys.

It's no wonder that I can't find my funny. I am so ready for it to come back, but it's buried beneath a mountain of shit, and every time I shovel some of it away, twice as much comes back.

I hate feeling this way.

Hrm. I was hoping that I'd feel better, but I don't, really.


I want Spudnuts to come back.

Daisy, daisy, give me your anserererrzzzmgfhzxxnxzzzz

Daisy, daisy, give me your anserererrzzzmgfhzxxnxzzzz


Open the basket

Open the basket

I AM 33% GEEK.

I probably work in computers, or a history

deptartment at a college. I never really

fit in with the "normal" crowd. But I have

friends, and this is a good thing.

I AM 61% PUNK.

Punk Fucking Cock! I am the sexy punk.

Fuck Everything. Punk enough not too care,

but horny enough to worry about image.

October 25, 2001

Wax on, Wax off

Wax on, Wax off

So I guess we weren't the only ones who were upset about this.

Thanks to Shatner Takes It Deep for the link.

Exploitation Nation

Exploitation Nation

This is the most disgusting thing I've seen all week.

Are the bodies officially cold, now?

Learn to swim.

October 24, 2001

Royale with cheese

Royale with cheese

foxtrot (25k image)

This is the coolest thing that has happened, in quite some time. Having my character lampooned in Foxtrot (one of the finest strips, ever, in a post Bloom County world), just rocks.

If anyone knows Bill Amend, tell him thanks from me.

Pigs on the Wing

Pigs on the Wing

Radio Free Burrito will be broadcasting Pink Floyd's "Animals" today, starting at 4:15 PM PDT. Live365 is back, so the RFB should be back up in dis motha, streaming all that bombass shiznat you've come to expect from TVsWW.

Karma Ghost

Karma Ghost

Found at Unrealistic Expectations: What goes around, comes around.

You'll be humming the jaunty little tune all day.

Yeah, but does he have a clever autoresponse?

Yeah, but does he have a clever autoresponse?

It could be the hoax of the month, but it appears that Saddam Hussein answers his Email. No word yet on what his geek code is.

Silver Shamrock

Silver Shamrock

Since there are just 7 more days till Halloween (my favorite holiday of the year), I thought everyone might like to look at something scary.

October 23, 2001

Safety Tips

Safety Tips

The Onion has Halloween Safety tips.

I'm Wil, that that's one to grow on.

Scooping Adequacy

Scooping Adequacy

I was asked by adequacy.org to do an interview, quite sometime ago. Of course, being Mister Responsibility, I read the questions, and said, "I'll get to those later today".

Well, this day has lasted 5 weeks.

I finished the interview this afternoon, and I'm scooping adequacy, and posting one of my answers, here:

P: Let's say some group of terrorists blew up a Federation planet, and

Picard had to decide how to respond- how to protect civilians from getting

blown up without starting a huge galactic war. What do you think he'd do?

Do you think that Star Trek's mushy liberal view point, like the Prime

Directive of non-interference, holds any water in today's post-tragedy


W: Well, the first thing he'd do is hide out for the better part of the day, when the planet was blown up, because his handlers knew he wouldn't be able to address the UFP with any grace or aplomb. Then, when he did speak, he'd tell the UFP that everyone is either with us, or with the terrorists, to effectively quash any criticism of his policy decisions. Then he'd find a planet where he could claim the terrorists lived, and he'd launch a long and profitable war against that planet, with no endgame in sight. His approval ratings would skyrocket, because nobody would want to be perceived as "against" the UFP. As an added bonus, when he wanted to do something really stupid, like drilling on Lothar 7 for oil, in the Lotharian Brazilfish Reserve, it'd be very easy for him, because everybody would be so focused on the war that they wouldn't notice.

Wait, none of that makes sense. That's just plain stupid. Nobody with any brains would do anything like that.

Picard is smart, and what he'd do is improve security within the UFP, for REAL, even if it cut into profit margins for the big companies that drive the UFP's economy. He'd also do it in an informed, well-thought out way, ensuring that all UFP citizens were safe, without having to trample all over their rights as UFP citizens.

But something like that would never happen. That's just TV.

Now, I gotta finish the /. questions. Sure, I could get to them later, and I could always start my training tomorrow...tomorrow...tomorrow...

October 22, 2001

Have I told you about my condition?

Have I told you about my condition?

Beat The Geeks was lots of fun. I searched *all* over the net, trying to find anything about it...but, alas, I came up empty.

Unfortunately, nothing very funny happened, and I thought about making something up, but I've decided against it. I'm just not feeling very funny the last few days.

I hate it when I lose my funny. It's like someone left the door to my house open, and all the comedy ran out.

I'm reading my emails today, and I got the following, and I'm trying to decide if it's a Troll or Flamebait...

I'm guessing that everyone here is familiar with me, more or less, and you've read my entries. So read this, and comment on it. Do you agree?

To: <[email protected]>

Subject: Old Fan of Wesley


I just found your web page and read your faq. I'm really disappointed in the reasons you left Star Trek, I hope you have grown up and realized you screwed up. I hope you find work in the future.

I hate to see so many actors think they can do better only to find out they were very lucky to begin with.

Your character ( Wesley) was going to go so far....

I really hope to see you get back on your feet.

The thing I love the most is that this guy marked this email "Highest Priority".

Semper Geekus

Semper Geekus

Good Monday morning to everyone!

I am off, to work on my friend Keith's show, "Beat The Geeks". I'll have at least one cool story to tell this afternoon.

October 20, 2001

With us or against us?

It's funny, because it's true.

When the body speaks

When the body speaks

I'm going through my email, and I was read the following question. What started out as a simple answer has turned into a new entry:

Oh, my girlfriend...wanted me to mention that she was completely and totally infatuated with Wesley and Gordie :-)

Do you consider yourself a part of these characters? Or were they just roles?

That's a good question...

When I am working on a show, that character that I am portraying takes on certain aspects of me, and I take on certain aspects of him. Sometimes, it is very hard to determine where one ends, and the other begins. There are some characters that I can't wait to let go of, and others that I am sad to put to rest...it really depends on how good the script is, and how much I have invested in the project, emotionally. I feel that it's my job to realize the vision of the screenwriter, so I always endeavor to do what the writer is asking. When the writing is very clear, it is easy, and fun. When the writing is unclear (as it was, sometimes, on TNG), it can be like teaching a pig to play poker.

I start out every project full of hope and excitement. Sometimes, that hope and excitement fades to resignation, when I realize that the director is an complete moron, and he's going to ruin the project, or when one of the main actors is an unprofessional jackass, who thinks he can just do his own thing, and not what the script is asking for. Other times, that hope and excitement endures, and is justified with a terrific final cut.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

October 19, 2001

All Hail Bavaria!


Hoopy Frood

Hoopy Frood

I saw this site in my referrer logs, and went there, expecting the usual...but it turns out that this guy actually said some cool things about me:

BBSpot recently ran a short interview with Wil that's funny enough to make you suspect it was ghost-written by someone who studied Advanced Modern Cultural References at Harvard.


Wil Wheaton is apparently a geek, a practiced wielder of sarcasm, and an all-around hoopy frood in general.

Now I'm off to do the happy geek dance.

DoublePlus Ungood Thoughtcrime.

DoublePlus Ungood Thoughtcrime.

Some thoughts on the previous post, which I'd have put in comments, but the comment thread is so huge, I didn't know if anyone would see them..so, uh...yeah:

I am horrified at the way this kid appears to have been treated. I think a BIG part of it was that he *IS* a kid, and a non-conformist kid at that. I was a non-conformist kid, and I am a non-conformist adult. I know how McWorld treats us...they just give adults less shit because adults stand up for themselves more than kids do. Maybe he didn't handle himself well...but kids tend to react honestly to things...and I'd honestly freak out at someone if they gave me shit for the book I was reading. The authorities there clearly knew that they had over-reacted, because they fabricated a story about him making a bomb threat. Don't lose sight of that.

Should airport security be tightened? Duh. It should have been brought into line with the EU years ago. Why wasn't it? I dunno...but I'm willing to bet it had something to do with corporate profits.

I didn't say that this was scary because I am against airport security. Let's all get that straight. Remember that there was a commision formed specifically to address possible terrorism in the US, and their findings and reccomendations were ignored. Arianna Huffington has an interesting theory.

I was dismayed to read some comments that seemed to fall right in line with the "You're with us or you're with the Terrorists" rhetoric, seemingly heeding Ari Fleischer's warning to "all Americans that they need to watch what they say, watch what they do, and this is not a time for remarks like [Bill Maher's on PI]; there never is." But I am happy that, now more than ever, we can all conduct ourselves here with dignity and aplomb, and argue ideas, not personalities.

War is Peace

War is Peace

This is scary.

October 17, 2001

Here Comes Your Man

Here Comes Your Man

Last night, I went to the screening of my latest movie, "Jane White Is Sick And Twisted". It was very, very cool. The screening was a benefit to raise money for the American Cancer Society to benefit breast cancer research, and I hear that we raised close to 10,000 dollars. Cool!

I am always nervous before a screening...I never know what the audience is going to think, I don't know if the movie is going to suck...it's never a fun, relaxed thing for me. So I was very, very happy to see that the movie is indeed funny, and I think I'm really good in it. I always worry that what I prepared in my head and what I did on the set won't make it into the final cut, which happens more often than you'd think...just read any of William Goldman's books, to get an idea of how an asshole director can ruin a movie.

A big challenge for me right now is to convince The Industry that I can be funny...I once made some flyers for a comedy show I was in, and wrote on the back:

“Wil Wheaton is the best improviser I’ve ever seen.”

-Debra Wilson


“Above all the great talent associated with this film, Wil has been amazing. If you like any part of what he's done, it's all him. If you hate it, it's all me. Wil was funny, endearing, thoughtful, romantic, sympathetic and down-right charming...and that's off camera. On camera he was inspirational. I can't wait to work with him again !”

-David Michael Latt

Writer/Director of “Jane White Is Sick And Twisted”

“Sources say this past Thursday's show with Wil Wheaton was our best show yet! Look for Wil to guest again with us this summer. Thanks Wil!”

-The Liquid Radio Players Website

Improvised 1940’s-style radio show.

“Why doesn’t anyone know how funny you are?”

-My mom

“Wil Wheaton is not funny.”

-Every Casting Director in Hollywood

So I was extremely happy and excited when the audience laughed at the stuff I did. One of the biggest laughs of the night came during a tirade that I improvised while we were filming...so that was some clever voyving, indeed.

I don't know what will happen with "Jane". It's funny enough to find an audience, so it may even get a theatrical release. But it's more likely that it will go directly to video. When I know, I'll update it here.

Speaking of Updates, I have no idea why the update page isn't, well, updating...but I'm working on it. I've been making WAY too many "I'm lame and need help" calls to the guys who host me...so I'm only making the calls now if it's something urgent, like when greymatter ate all my entries a few days ago. Since I'm going this one alone, it will be a few days. I know that soapbox is dead. Working on that, too.

Last night, I had a very strange and disturbing dream.

I was in a large, empty space, where I could see things in my peripheral vision, but when I looked directly at them, there was nothing but blackness...a woman walked up to me, drew a pistol, and shot me in the stomach. Goddamn, it hurt. I can remember the feeling while I write this (I am a VERY lucid dreamer). [Note to self: avoid getting shot. It would suck.] I looked at her, and asked her why she'd done that, and she looked down at me, said something which I can't remember, and opened the chamber thing (It was one of those old Western 6 shooters). She slowly turned the cylinder with one finger, and put in a single bullet. Then, she put the gun to my head, and shot me. I died.

Aren't you supposed to not die in your dreams?

I woke up, and had that "*whew* it was just a dream" moment, and went back to sleep.

Ferris jumped up on my bed this morning. Bad dog.

I'm off like T'Pol's Spacesuit. I have an audition this afternoon, and I have to pick up a script for another, very huge audition on Saturday.

Be nice to someone today.

October 16, 2001

I heart idiots

I heart idiots

It has just been brought to my attention that someone is sending out a potential virus, changing the From: header in the email to appear as if it's coming from [email protected]

If you have received any emails claiming to be from me, with an subject called "usample" or any other file alleging to be a README, delete it, and send an email to [email protected], since I'm pretty sure that's the IP where the email came from.

Here's the information I got by running the headers through Sam Spade:

Trying whois -h whois.ripe.net

% This is the RIPE Whois server.

% The objects are in RPSL format.

% Please visit http://www.ripe.net/rpsl for more information.

% Rights restricted by copyright.

% See http://www.ripe.net/ripencc/pub-services/db/copyright.html

inetnum: -


descr: Esat Net Consumer Dialup Modem Bank

country: IE

admin-c: CA1690

tech-c: CC1276-RIPE

tech-c: GP1184-RIPE


remarks: For SPAM/UCE complaints, please email "[email protected]"

notify: [email protected]


changed: [email protected] 19991207

changed: [email protected] 20010128

source: RIPE



origin: AS2110

remarks: Aggregated route covering multiple Esat Net networks

mnt-by: IEUNET-NOC

changed: [email protected] 19960528

changed: [email protected] 20010423

source: RIPE

person: Colm Anderson

address: Esat Net Limited

address: 4 Westland Square

address: Pearse Street

address: Dublin 2

address: Ireland

phone: +353 1 6790832

fax-no: +353 1 6799634

e-mail: [email protected]

nic-hdl: CA1690

changed: [email protected] 19990118

source: RIPE

person: Catherine Chelmiah

address: Esat-X

address: Citywest

address: Co. Dublin

address: Ireland

phone: +353 1 432 6926

fax-no: +353 1 242 4001

e-mail: [email protected]

nic-hdl: CC1276-RIPE

notify: [email protected]

changed: [email protected] 20010823

source: RIPE

person: Gary Petticrew

address: Esat Residential Service

address: 7-13 Cardiff Lane

address: Dublin 2

address: Ireland

phone: +353 1 6724016

fax-no: +353 1 6771477

e-mail: [email protected]

nic-hdl: GP1184-RIPE

notify: [email protected]

mnt-by: IEUNET-NOC

changed: [email protected] 19981031

source: RIPE

Here's the text of the header, with the recipient's email removed for privacy:

"Return-Path: <[email protected]>

Delivered-To: DELETED

Received: (qmail 27700 invoked from network); 16 Oct 2001 18:57:23 -0000

Received: from unknown (HELO D2SKR40J) (

by DELETED with SMTP; 16 Oct 2001 18:57:23 -0000

From: <[email protected]>

Subject: usample

MIME-Version: 1.0

Content-Type: multipart/related;



X-Priority: 3

X-MSMail-Priority: Normal

X-Unsent: 1"

Young Zaphod Plays It Safe

(-1, Troll)

(-1, Troll)

I read /. daily, post infrequently.

As I've said before, I am really, when you get down to it, a geek, who's just looking for validation from his fellow geeks. So being asked for an interview by them was pretty goddamn cool...and the scariest thing, ever. I knew that the server would crash. I knew that I'd go so far over on bandwidth that I'd have to take out a 4th on the house. I knew that the other people hosted by logjamming would get hosed...and I was scared shitless that the trolls would come, and eat me alive.

Thankfully, things have been okay, so far. I read /. at 3, so the signal to noise ratio is very good.

Anyway, I wanted to share something that I thought was hilarious, and very cool.

The story at /. was "Ask Wil Wheaton Anything." There are some REALLY great questions there, and I'm going to have funtimes answering them...but, as I was reading, I saw the opportunity for a joke, and I had to take it.

I was asked:

Do you have an account here ?

Have you ever posted here ?

Have you ever submitted ?

Have you ever got a submission accepted ?

I was tempted to answer all the questions there, using my Slashdot UID, but I resisted...except for this one, because I saw the chance for some operation mayhem:

Do you have an account here ?

Yeah, I've had it for quite some time. I never put my name to it because I was afraid I'd automatically get modded down.

Have you ever posted here ?

Yeah. But not too often. My motto is "if you don't have something to say that's worth at least +1, don't say anything at all".

Have you ever submitted ?


Have you ever got a submission accepted ?

Are you kidding me? If I had a submission posted, that would make me cool, and that would begin the slow unraveling of the very fabric of space-time.

If this post isn't the poster-child for karma whoring, I don't know what is.

I am Jack's.sig

Now, the humor of this will be completely lost on you, unless you are familiar with Slashdot's moderation system...but this post got modded up, which I suspected it would...but the Operation Mayhem kicked in, and the joke paid off, when someone moderated it down...(-1, Troll).

If the person who modded it down is reading this, I must say thank you. You totally got the joke, and I am giving you a personal (+1, Funny) and a (+1, Insightful) along with a (+1, Underrated).

With my feet in the air, and my head on the ground.



The site seems to have mostly recovered from being Slashdotted yesterday.

That was pretty damn cool.

Welcome back, everyone.

October 14, 2001

Abbot and Costello Meet SpongeBob Vega$Pants!

Abbot and Costello Meet SpongeBob Vega$Pants!

Can it be? Is it...?

Yes, Virginia. You're not hallucinating. It's time for yet another chapter in the increasingly drawn-out saga of SpongeBob Vega$ Pants!!

Recently, on SpongeBob Vega$ Pants...

After a flight, a buffet, and an earlier than expected phone call...

A sad, sad, snubbing by WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER....

Hours of autographs, where our hero met his long lost Japanese twin brother...

A tangent that went nowhere...

And a talk that started out badly , got worse, but ended up okay...

We find our hero with just a scant 90 minutes to eat, change, and rehearse before he is to take the stage with his sketch comedy group to perfom "MIND MELD: ASSIMILATE THIS!" for 500 Trekkies.

More, after this commercial message:

Logjamming rules. They host you for 5 bucks a month. Cool!

So I've just finished my talk, and it was okay. Not great, not terrible, but I don't have time to worry about it, because I have a show to do.

I meet my friends from ACME, who I've brought out to Vega$ to do the show, backstage. We've all performed on the ACME stage many times together, but we've never performed this lineup of sketches, and they've never performed in front of Trekkies before. Matter of fact, most of them don't even watch Star Trek, and this convention was their first ever experience with the show, and the unique following it has. We've never had a technical rehearsal, we don't know if the body mics we've been expecting for over a year (that's how long it took to plan the show) are giong to show up. The guy who is doing our music and our lights has never seen the show, or read the scripts, and we don't how that's going to work.

Here's a brief note about sketch comedy: one of the most important aspects of sketch comedy is the blackout that ends the scene. When I write a sketch, I always end it with a big laugh, or a big surprise, and the lights must immediately come down. If they don't, we are left standing onstage, with our proverbial dicks in our hands. Not funny, believe it or not, especially if you're a woman. Try explaining the sudden appearance of a dick in your hand to the audience...yeah, not an easy thing. Especially if you're performing at the church ice cream social. So, I'm scared shitless that the tech guy isn't going to make some mistakes, even though I've made him a set list, complete with the last few lines of each scene, and when the blackout is supposed to occur. If you've read my FAQ, you know that I am a Type-A control freak, and I don't like to leave anything up to chance...so I was freaking out, right up until the lights went up on the show.

We all went over to The Hard Rock Hotel, to eat, where I didn't eat anything that I ordered, and headed back to the convention, so change, shave, put on makeup, and get ourselves together.

We are supposed to be let into the theatre at 7:30, so we can have a quick run through of some blackouts, get our props set, and have 5 minutes to catch our breath...but it's now 7:45, and the show before us has run long, and we're not even going to get into the theatre until 8:20, or 8:30...and I know from experience that an audience's willingness to enjoy your show is inversely proportionaly to the amount of time you keep them waiting past the time on the ticket, which is 8PM.

But that shouldn't matter, because Trekkies love everything that any of us from Star Trek do, right? I mean, all we have to do is show up, and they'll go nuts, right?

Wrong. They can be the most hyper-critical audience, ever, and this audience is made up of people who've paid lots of money to see this show. Some of them bought tickets that cost as much as 1500 bucks. So they expect, and deserve, an amazing show, and I intend to give it to them.

Finally, after much waiting, we get to go into the theatre, and set up. We get our props set backstage. We find an appropriate lighting level. We give the list of blackouts to our tech guy, and we are ready to put our body mics on.

Problem is, our body mics aren't there.


That's right. The body mics were either unwilling to respond, or they were unable to respond.

Bottom line is, we have no body mics. Which means we have no mics at all. Which means that it's highly unlikely that the back of the house will be able to hear us.

One of the good things about being under the gun is that you don't have the luxury of freaking out. You see the challenge, you meet the challenge, and you move on. I think that's why I work so well under pressure.

We all huddled, and decided, "Hey, we're all good actors, and we're all good improvisers. We'll just perform to the back row."

So that's exactly what we did.

It's now close to 8:30. I can feel the audience outside the theatre trading their "we love you, wil" signs for torches and pitchforks, so I decide that we're not going to keep them any longer. We're just going to get ourselves backstage, and open up the house.

I give my CD of "Warm Up The House" music to our tech guy, who I've come to know as Jim, and the doors open.

A few anxious moments pass, while we all go through our pre-show rituals...some of us stretch, some of us chant, some of us walk in a circle. I can't remember what I do...it's always different. I think I was pacing, running lines in my head.

Dave Scott comes backstage and asks us if we're ready. We are. He goes onstage, makes his, "Tape this and we will track you down and kick you square in the nuts," speech, and the lights go down.

I take the stage, and I see that Dave has decided to play a little practical joke on me: the entire audience is wearing "Groucho" glasses. It is insanely funny to me, seeing all these people, in various levels of space-suitery, enjoying a mass giggle, like a bunch of school kids putting one over on the substitute.

It was rad.

I'm looking out at them, and I get the sense that they're all waiting for me to say something funny...so I take a long look around the room, lift the microphone to my face, and say, "You're all related, aren't you?"

Huge laugh.

Huge relief from me, that they've traded their torches and pitchforks for Groucho glasses.

I say some things, and the show starts.

The show goes amazingly well. Jim, the tech guy, is a natural. You'd never know that he hadn't seen the show. He never misses a cue, and, a few times, he even anticipates when an imporivsed bit needs to end, and blacks it out like he's been doing it for years.

We are extremely lucky to have Jim doing our lights. If we take this show on the road, we'll take him with us, we decide.

All our sketches kill, except one, and that's a great batting average for us. We're happy.

There is one small problem, though...as the show is nearing its end, one of the other performers, Maz, and I both have to pee worse than we've ever had to pee before. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. All theatres have a backstage pisser...but we're in a ballroom, behind pipe and drape...so we do the pee-pee dance for the last 25 minutes of the show. I seriously considered using the empty bottle of Crystal Geyser...but thought better of it.

The show closes with a sketch I wrote, called "Shut Up, Welsey." I won't tell too much about it, because you may see it someday, and I'd hate to spoil the surprise. I'm also shooting it as a short film, and you may be able to see that someday, too, so I'll just say this: I loved writing it. It's always fun to perform it, and I was terrified that the audience wouldn't get it. I thought that they'd think I was making fun of them (I wasn't), and those pitchforks would show up again...but they loved it.

As I write this, I am recalling the feeling I had as I performed that show, and it is so wonderful...so much has happened since that show...it's been such a roller coaster for me, the last month or so...and enjoying that feeling all over again is really cool.

Anyway, the show is over, I come out to introduce the cast, and give a HUGE public thank you to Jim the Magnificent.

The most amazing thing happens: when I walk out there, they leap to their feet. They are screaming. They are applauding. They are whistling. They are howling. They stay on their feet for what feels like 5 minutes, but was probably more like 2...and I am struggling to keep it together, because I feel like crying. You have no idea the shit I've gotten over the last 15 years because of Star Trek, and you have no idea how risky it was for me to put up this show...and the validation I felt from this crowd was just overwhelming.

I'd say that over 80% of the email I get says something like, "I had no idea you were funny." or "I expected you to be a tool" or something like that...and I've been working so goddamn hard to get people give me a chance to challenge their expectations of me, and hopefully change their minds about me, that getting that huge, genuine, passionate standing ovation from that group of people was simply magical. I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

Matter of fact, I was so overwhelmed by the response, that I introduced the entire group, and forgot to introduce Jim!

So, Jim, if you're reading, here goes:

This show did not come together overnight, and it didn't come together easily. We all worked really hard to make it happen, and the whole thing could have been easily ruined by a bad tech guy. Fortunately, we had the most amazing tech guy ever. Jim [here is where I'd point to the side of the stage, and call you up] has never lit a sketch show before, and he didn't miss a beat tonight. If you enjoyed the show, Jim deserves your applause as much as any of us do. [Now, the entire house, and all of us onstage applaud for Jim].

The house empties out, and I run at mach 4 to the bathroom. When I get back into the ballroom, I get the most important review, of all. My wife comes up to me, puts her arms around me, and says, "Honey, you were great. I've never laughed so hard in my whole life."

NEXT TIME: 3 Days in Vega$, and The Star Trek Experience.

October 13, 2001

Son of a BITCH!

Son of a BITCH!

I really, really, really wanted to be Maximillian, or at least Bender. But no, NO!

This is some sort of cruel, bitter irony, isn't it?

Click here to find out what robot you really are



I wonder, when a former, or current MUDder gets a promotion at work, do they get on the intercom, and shout:



Radio Free Burrito will begin todays live broadcast at 3PM, PDT. Tell a friend.

October 12, 2001

Mojo Jojo

Mojo Jojo

Well, at last the phone call has come, and I can tell my story. Now, you can know where all your mojo has been going the last 2 weeks.

Before I get into the details, I have to say that, whether it is placebo or not, I felt more confident than I have ever felt, as I went through this audition process, and I know that it helped me relax, and do my best work.

One of the coolest things, ever, came from Susie, who takes care of kids in a daycare here in SoCal. On the day of Mojo-needing, Susie had her kids draw me good luck pictures. She said to me, is there any better mojo than the mojo of a child?

I think not.

She scanned and emailed the drawings to me. I was going to put them all up, but I've decided that I'm going to keep them just for me. I'm giving too damn much of myself away on this site as it is, anyway.

So here's the shortened version of the story: I was auditioning to be the new co-host of the Comedy Central show, "Win Ben Stein's Money". It was a long process, and it was the most fun I have ever had, ever, auditioning for any show. The producers, and everyone who works on that show are so fucking cool, I can't even begin to describe it.

Oh, if you haven't figured it out by now, I didn't get it. It came down to me and one other guy, and, everyone say it with me, "They took the other guy."

Something that is really shitty for me right now, as an actor, is that I have don't have enough of a "name" and enough recognizability to put me "over the top" for shows, but I do have enough to take me out of shows. I can't even do commercials, because I'm not a big enough celebrity to be an endoresement guy, and I'm too well known to be an average joe. I wonder if that came into play on this job? I don't know.

The challenge for me right now is to get producers to see me in a different way. To see past their pre-conception of me, and let me show them something that they weren't expecting.

Like this website. How many people came here expecting some jackass celebrity site, where the celebrity has nothing to do with it? How many people came here expecting me to be a complete ass?

Did I give them what they expected? I certainly hope not.

So this news has devastated me. I really wanted to work with the crew over there, because they are all so cool.

Get this: The producer of the show, the EXECUTIVE FUCKING PRODUCER, actually called me, to tell me how sorry he was that I didn't make it, and how he really liked me, and how he called other producers, to let them know about me. That just doesn't happen, and I am floored by that. He is, truly, one of the coolest people I have ever met.

A sincere "thank you" to everyone who sent me mojo, and kept me in their thoughts. That was very cool, and I think I'll be calling on you all again. I didn't get this one, but I'll get one soon, I can feel it.

Oh, one last thing: can we cool it with the "I'm first" thing? It's really lame.

Here we go again

Here we go again

From Slashdot: "The U.S. Senate passed its version of the "anti-terrorism" legislation last night. The Washington Post, CNN, and Wired all have stories. There are terrorists under every rock, and we must destroy our freedom in order to save it."

Congress is at it again. This legislation is absolutely absurd.

Here's a bit of it, from EFF:

Additional provisions of the proposed Anti-Terrorism Act include the following measures:

*make it possible to obtain e-mail message header information, Internet user web browsing patterns, *and "stored" voicemail without a wiretap order

*eviscerate controls on Title III roving wiretaps

*permit law enforcement to disclose information obtained through wiretaps to any employee of the Executive branch

*reduce restrictions on domestic investigations under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA)

*permit grand juries to provide information to the US intelligence community

*permit the President to designate any "foreign-directed individual, group, or entity," including any *United States citizen or organization, as a target for FISA surveillance

*prevent people from providing "expert advice" to terrorists

*extends federal DNA database to every person convicted of a federal terrorism offense which includes low-level computer intrusions

*other provisions, whether or not related to online civil liberties

If you want more info, you can read the rest of it at the EFF's website.

You know the drill. Call, FAX, and write your people in congress, if you're so inclined.

October 11, 2001

The only constant is change

The only constant is change

When I opened this site, I knew nothing about html and it's bastard brothers, CSS and.php and stuff.

Now, 8 weeks later, I know next to nothing, but I'm closer to knowing something, which is nice.

The entire site has been redone, in.php now. It should load faster, look cooler, and be easier for me to manage.

If you look on your right, you'll see a new feature I've added: it's books, music, and movies that I like. Since I seem to have attracted a certain type of person here (smart, independent, progressive), my guess is you already have what I'll be putting up. But if you don't and you want to buy it, you should go to a local, family owned business and get it. If for some reason you live in The Republic of Best Buy, or the Feifdom of Wal*Mart, you can click on the pictures, and get it from amazon. It's a good way for you to support my site, too, because Spamazon will send me something like 15% of the cover price, less taxes, of course...so the 18 cents I make will go towards getting me a new computer, with a faster processor, and a bigger hard drive...which means more RFB for the children. Because I care about you, and I want to make my computer cooler, for the children.

Also, I'm expecting my site to be enjoying the Slashdot effect, very soon, maybe even tonight. So if you'd like to mirror the site, that'd be cool.

There is one last thing: While I was redoing the site today, looking at the clock, freaking out that I had to leave, and I wasn't done, I hit a wall. I just couldn't get the pages to look the way I wanted them to, and I was about to have a complete meltdown...and I begged my friend Josh, one of the guys behind logjamming hosting, to help me. Josh did help me, and I would have never been able to fix it on my own.

I owe Josh a huge debt of gratitude, and if you are hooked on this lame little site, so do you.

You should update your links, too. If you were linking to greymatter.htm, you'll need to relink to www.wilwheaton.net/main.php

I am certain that I messed some things up. Please post your discoveries in the comments, so I don't get 500 emails saying, "You messed up A, B and C", or "You messed up Living in Harmony".

I hope everyone is having a good night!

Knowing is half the battle

Knowing is half the battle

I love The Onion.

Check out their latest infograph.

October 10, 2001

Paranoid Android

Paranoid Android

I think I have found my site's new slogan. This comes to me from an Email:

"like a beacon of light in that mass of crap known as the Internet"

How freaking cool is that?!

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

To quote Homer Simpson, "Now we play 'the waiting game'...awww, waiting game sucks! Let's play Hungy Hungry Hippos!"

Since I don't yet know what the results of the audition are (if it's killing you, imagine what it's doing to me!), and I don't have Hungy Hungry Hippos, you can read this super cool interview I did with BBSpot while you wait.

Read slowly. It may take a day or three until I hear something.

October 9, 2001

Got my mojo risin', there's a poodle in my streudel...

Got my mojo risin', there's a poodle in my streudel...

Minky Boodle!!

Wow. What a day.

Short story: I killed. I felt the mojo, and it was good. I won't know anything until sometime tomorrow, at the earliest.

RFB is off the air because my computer was acting strange, and required a reboot and a silicon enema.

Long story: coming soon.

More Tree Huggin' Hippie Crap

More Tree Huggin' Hippie Crap

Last week, I put out a plea for some vibes, mojo, good thoughts, tantric chanting, or whatever anyone felt they could throw my way, because I had an extremely important audition.

I said that if it worked, I would have the coolest story, ever, to tell.

I am the most skeptical person you could ever meet, but I swear, I felt mojo coming my way when I needed it most, and I was relaxed, funny, charming, and all the things I needed to be on my audition.

I don't let myself get too high or too low about auditions. As I've said before, being the best actor usually isn't what gets an actor the job. There are so many factors that I can't control, that I just focus on doing my best read, or having my best possible meeting. For me, a successful audition isn't necessarily one where I get the job. It's one where I leave the room, knowing that I was the best I can be.

So, having said all that, I can tell you that your mojo and vibes, and all that worked, because I was walking on air when I left that room, and every time the phone rang, I was excited that it would be my agent telling me that I'd been hired.

But the phone call that came was not that I'd been hired, but that they were bringing me back one more time, to perform again, and this time it was between me and one other person.

So here I am, putting out yet another plea for mojo, vibes, good thoughts, voodo dances, or whatever you'd care to send my way.

My final, final, final callback is today, at 3PM.

So, if you can, please send mojo between 3 and 4:30 PM PDT, and I will give up all the details of the project, the audition process, and all that, later on today.

October 8, 2001

Redefining National Treasures

Redefining National Treasures

So I'm reading my favorite internet hack just now, and I discover that, alas, Rush Limbaugh is deaf.

Mr. Objectivity calls Rush "the world's most-listened to voice".


But I don't really care about that...here's the quote that inspired me to post:

"President Bush expressed personal concern about Limbaugh's condition with senior staff late Monday afternoon.

'The president noted Rush Limbaugh is a national treasure,' one senior White House staffer said."

That's right. Rush Limbaugh is our national treasure.


The Lincoln Memorial...Rush Limbaugh.

Mount Rushmore...Rush Limbaugh.

Our Indefatiguable American Spirit...Rush Limbaugh.

Spudnuts...Rush Limbaugh.

Once again, Curious George shows his brilliance. He really needs to stop showing up to work high, methinks.

October 7, 2001

Sheena is a punk rocker

Sheena is a punk rocker

The response to the online store at CafePress has been pretty good. I think that having an online store is a great way for people to support the site, and get something that is (hopefully) cool in return, so I'll go ahead and make a full-blown store here.

Since it is so much damn work to build the store, I've created an online poll, to find out what, if anything, people would be interested in having.

I'm also getting closer and closer to the removal of the frameset, but my knowledge of.php is pretty lame, so it's taking much longer than I'd like. The current problem I'm having is this: I want to have a simple navbar on the left side, as a SSI (like navbar.php). The problem is, I can't get it to have it's own CSS. I want the navigation links to never change, and I can not, for the life of me, figure out how to get that one cell to have it's own style properties. If you know how to do it, please reply in the comments, and you'll have my eternal gratitude.

October 6, 2001



Earlier tonight, I was playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 on Playstation with my step-son, Nolan. I don't recall what I was saying, but I was just goofing around, having a good time, and he turned to me and said, "Wil, you are a natural comedian. You always make people laugh."

Out of nowhere. He even seemed sort of surprised that he said it. He went on to say that he was "a natural video game player"...which is what I always aspired to when I was his age, but I'll take natural comedian.

Come to think of it, I'll take anything from my step-kids...at least until they're surly teenagers. Then it's clobberin' time.

Life in the so-called Space Age

Life in the so-called Space Age

I have a cookie for the first person to tell me where the title of this comes from. There are many possible answers, but only one correct one.

So, tonight I watched "All Good Things" in TNN, as I wrapped up a week of watching the best of TNG.

God dammit all to hell if it didn't reduce me to tears, at the end, seeing all my friends seated around that poker table. I thought, as I watched them, about how much I wished *I* was at that table...and I can admit something here, to myself, and to fandom: I miss Star Trek. I miss working with that amazing cast. I miss being part of that amazing show. Watching TNG all this week has been the closest I will ever get to watching lots of home movies, or reading a high school year book over and over and over again.

So many memories came flooding back over the past few days, and each of them could get their own entry, but then we'd never get to the end of SpongeBob Vega$Pants, the re-code of the site, and I'd probably lose my wife, somewhere along the line...so here are some of them, in list form:

*In the first season, when LeVar was driving the ship (before a certain strapping young ensign took over), the chairs we had were really reclined. More suited for sleeping, than sitting...and that's what LeVar would do, all the time! When he was in a scene without any dialogue, he would sit in that recliner, VISOR securely in place, and just doze off. More than once, he got busted for snoring.

*In one episode, and I can't remember the title, so you'll have to excuse me, Patrick was strolling around the bridge, saying something about how we all needed to consider "the source" of something. Thing is, he was saying consider "the sauce". I didn't catch it the first few times, but Brent did, and he turns to me, at the beginning of a take, and, just as they are about to roll, he says, "Patrick wants more sauce." I asked him what the hell that meant, because Brent was always fucking with me, and he says, "Just listen." So they roll, we're in the scene, and Patrick says that we should consider "the sauce". I crack up. Out loud. I can't help it. They cut, everyone looks at me, all pissed off, because it was okay for the adults to crack, but if The Kid did it, it was another thing, completely. I point to Brent, stammer that he made me laugh, and Brent just looks angelic (in gold, mind you. I think that helped him pull it off). Nobody believed me, until later, when someone else heard Patrick saying something else, in his, er...unique...accent, and Marina says, "I'm British, and I know that's not how we talk. So I took the opportunity to point out "the sauce".

*I remember the first time Wesley got to play in one of those poker games that they had on the show. I remember how genuinely thrilled I was, as a person to be in that scene, because I felt like I was finally accepted as something other than The Kid.

*It's weird to watch TNG now, because when I watch "Enterprise", my imagination fills in the ship around what the camera is currently showing...but when I watch TNG, my memory fills in the stage around the set...instead of picturing the rest of the corridors, or the Battle Bridge (my personal favorite set), I remember our chairs, and the craft service table...

I remembered, as I was watching "All Good Things" tonight, about something that happened a very long time ago, which I had forgotten about. Two things, actually, which, at the time, seemed to validate my reasons for leaving.

There was a big deal made about the screening of the final episode of TNG over a Paramount, and I was asked to attend. I agreed, mostly because I wanted to see my friends, but also because I was curious to see how they would have ended it.

They did the screening in a theatre at Paramount, and they sat all of us from the cast together in the theatre. I sat between Marina and Brent, if memory serves. Some of our more high profile guest stars had been invited, and there were some empty seats on the other side of our row where they would have sat if they'd shown...somehow I'm not surprised that Mick Fleetwood didn't show... but John DeLancie is sitting behind me. That's important, as you'll see in a second.

Some stuffed shirt from Viacom gets up, makes some stupid speech that nobody wants to hear bout how great Star Trek is, and he introduces Rick Berman, who comes up to the podium, and makes another speech, about how great the last 7 years have been, and how it was through the work of some people, some people who are here tonight, that TNG was possible. Would those people please stand up? Patrick Stewart. Jonathan Frakes. Brent Spiner. Marina Sirtis. Gates McFadden. LeVar Burton. Michael Dorn. Denise Crosby. John DeLancie.

They all stand. The entire theatre is now on its feet, applauding their hard work, and commitment to the show. Berman is beaming as he applauds them.

They're all standing up, except for me. Berman looked right at me, and didn't call out my name. The son of a bitch knew that I was there, and didn't call me to stand. Later, I asked him why he'd left me out, and he said he didn't know I was there. I told him that I was the one person, who was sitting with the cast, who wasn't standing up. Maybe he remembered making eye contact with me, after he called Denise, and before he called on John DeLancie? It sucked, it was petty and it hurt.

Another time, I was invited to a big party for the 25th anniversary of Star Trek, also at Paramount. Again, I can't remember if this was before, or after the aforementioned snubbing. Again, they sat us all together, and again, there was a "stand up and be counted" thing. Only this time, it was with all 3 casts. Maybe you've seen the picture? All three casts are on stage, holding these miniature American flags, which were given to them by astronauts who flew them on various space shuttle missions. Again, I was left sitting, surrounded by empty chairs. I was so embarassed, as I sat there, feeling genuinely happy for my friends, from all the casts, who were standing on stage, and at the same time, I felt so tiny, and so lame...afterwards, I told Berman that I thought that was really shitty, and he said he hadn't known that I was coming. Well, the thing is, when you're the executive producer of Star Trek, you approve everything that goes on. Even guest lists.

I recall all this publicly, to maybe give some context to my remarks over the years, and to help you, my dear monkey, appreciate what I will say next: I am filled with regret that I left. Now, I know some asshole out there will say that I feel that way because I didn't work as much after I left, but the truth is, that was by my choice. As soon as I was off the show, I realized that I could do whatever I wanted with my life, and I quit. Ran away to Topeka, joined a computer company, and discovered that I hated myself. I was truly disgusted with the person I looked at in the mirror each day, and getting away from the environemt I had always lived in was the only way to ensure that I changed all that.

You know who I would be if I had never left? Say it with me, my people: WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER.

So, regrets? I have a few...but then again, I wouldn't be the person I am now, if I'd stuck around, and I like who I've become.

I'm not sure if this post makes sense...but I'm sure I'll find out.

October 5, 2001

Almost Un-Famous

Almost Un-Famous

That's the title of the story that I am mentioned in, in this week's Entertainment Weekly.

I don't subscribe to EW, and I couldn't find a link for this article on the website, so a member of my loyal Radio Free Burrito listener armada scanned it , and emailed it to me.

Take a gander, if'n ya please. But be forewarned. The image is huge. It's about 300K.

Radio Free Burrito Wants You

Radio Free Burrito Wants You

Hey kids,

I've been RFB-ing most of the day.

I know, I know, I should have posted about it, but I'm still BETA testing it, as far as I am concerned.

So far, the small cadre of BETA testers and I have been having a really fun time, and one of them, our good friend HuggyBarrell, sent me this Email earlier today:

We have a friend from Faire who's a performer. He goes by the name Moonie The Magnificent. He's sorta a comedy juggling act. Anyway, his daughter has children's lukemia (she was in remission, it came back). She's going to require a bone marrow transplant. We've set up a section on our Faire site that's got donations for PayPal. I was wondering if you'd be willing to maybe put a blurb about it in your weblog or something? Since he's a performer, he doesn't have health insurance, is my understanding.

So, now I get to do something that I truly cherish in my life. I get to use what little celebrity I have for Good, instead of Evil. If you can, would you please give a small donation to help this little girl? As a parent, I can imagine the pain, and heartache of watching your little girl suffer with a horrible disease, and feel powerless to stop it.

You can make your donation by clicking here, or you can buy a CD, that was put together by some of Brad's friends. The proceeds are going to help Sophie out. You can check it out here.

Look at it this way: you have an opportunity to save a life, today. How cool is that?

Crackity Jones

Crackity Jones

Have you seen this yet? I must admit, it made me howl, which caused my neighbor to come over and shoot at me with his bow and arrow.

That's all for right now. Data's on some sort of murderous rampage on TNG...goddammit. I've been seeing all these shows that I've never seen before, because I was so pissed off and lame when I quit...and I must say, I'm beginning to feel a bit of regret, because the shows are very, very cool.

Matter of fact, that gets its own entry later on.

Thank you to everyone who sent me MOJO...I can honestly say that I felt it, and I only felt a *little* dirty...as soon as I find out, I'll tell you all about it.

Is it bothering anyone else that the commercials on TNN are all either Miss Cleo, or some K*Tel collection of shity songs that you thought had gone away?

October 4, 2001

Isla de Encanta

Isla de Encanta

I opened up my paper this morning, and I see that I am in the Technology section of the Los Angeles Times!!

This was a VERY fun interview to do, and there's a cool picture of me, standing in the middle of Colorado Blvd. in Old Town Pasadena (breakin' the law! Breakin' the law! Yeaaahhh!!!) in the print version.

Check it out.

October 3, 2001

Tree Huggin' Hippie Crap

Tree Huggin' Hippie Crap

I can't go into the details, but I have a HUGE opportunity sitting in front of me, and tomorrow is do-or-die time...if this thing happens, I am back baby! We're talking carreer re-birth, a new computer, and nice things for Mrs. Wheaton.

So here's the deal: if you don't mind, would you take 60 seconds or so, and send some good thoughts my way? I would be especially grateful if you were doing this between 2 and 3 PM Pacific Time tomorrow (Thursday).

If this works, I will have the coolest story, EVER, to post.

Clever Voyving

Clever Voyving

Wesley Complains (again)

This was sent to me this morning by Jeff. The original can be found here.

October 2, 2001

Radio Free Burrito 2: Electric Boogaloo

Radio Free Burrito 2: Electric Boogaloo

I got lots of good feedback from people about the radio station, and I think it will become a semi-regular feature around here.

With the help of the lovely and talented (well, talented, anyway) Ben, from The pAved Earth, the greatest internet radio station of all time, I have figured out how to do a live broadcast, right out of my crappy little computer. So I have this idea. How about if I do a radio show sometime this week? I can play music, read some of my weblog entries, make some jokes, take IM requests, etc. I can even make multiple streams, so people on slower connections can enjoy the fun, too. It's been a silly dream of mine since I was a kid to be on the radio, so I think I'm gonna do it, no matter what...it'd just be cooler if there were people actually listening.

October 1, 2001



I bet this sounds totally lame, but I've been watching (and taping) TNG on TNN tonight. Of course, since I am on the Left Coast, I missed the first broadcast, so I missed all the promos I did, so I don't know if I sucked or not. Dammit.

But here's the thing: I forgot just how much I LOVE Star Trek. I've watched "Farpoint", The first one with The Traveller, Datalore and Conspiracy...I have remembered so many stories...I'm excited. I have some cool ones to tell, in the coming weeks.

If anyone has it, would someone please email me avis or mpegs or something, of the promos?

Vega$ ruled. I took lots of pictures, and I will put them all up tomorrow.

I've read all the Emails I got while I was gone. I'll send out replies tomorrow.