there ain't no whales, so we tell tall tales . . .
In Games of our Lives this week, I took a big risk and tackled an incredibly popular coin-op game: Moon Patrol. I sent my editor about 45000 words, which he skillfully cut down into 300-ish good ones.
Witness:
Gameplay: The moon isn't very safe, and thanks to budget cuts, your buggy explodes as readily as a 1972 Pinto. Luckily, you've tricked it out with a dashboard Jesus, lasers, and hydraulic shocks, so you can blast the rocks and jump over the bottomless craters that get in your way.
Kids today might not like it because: They can't pick up a hooker, nail her in the back of their moon buggy, then kick her out, run her over, and take her money.
Kids today might like it because: Moon Patrol is much more realistic than the car-racing games they're used to playing.
It's easier to do games that people may not have crystal clear memories of, and passionate attachements to, because if I don't cover that game exactly the way they want me to, people can get really worked up. When I poked fun at Midnight Magic, some Atari Nerds wished that I would die. Because I wrote a humorous column about a game that is over 20 years old. Uhh . . . yeah.
So I'm a little nervous about the reaction to Moon Patrol, but no matter what happens, I got to sneak in a Futurama joke, (which made me almost as happy as my Obscurity Hall of Fame reference to Jon Byner in Anteater), so I am TEH WINNAR!!11
Comments
Quite funny, Wil. I almost choked on my morning coffee when I saw the bit about tricking out your buggy with a dashboard Jesus!
Posted by: Josh Glover | October 4, 2005 6:28 PM
Ah, EXCELLENT game! Which reminds me: have you ever covered "Lunar Lander"?
Anyone remember the excellent Lunar Lander-ish game for C-64: "Space Taxi"? It actually had SPEECH in it.
/hey taxi !!!!11!eleven
Posted by: AJ | October 4, 2005 7:32 PM
I've got a Buddy Christ... it sits on our Playstation. Hey... cool, I can see you're a farker too. (To those that don't know, it's not as dirty as it sounds).
Posted by: love2all | October 5, 2005 6:18 AM
How could you not mention the cool music in Moon Patrol? Even to this day, sometimes I use that for bass guitar soloing when I'm jamming with my buddies... MP was my favorite Atari game, right after Yars' Revenge.
Posted by: GeorgineVJ | October 5, 2005 6:23 AM
Wil,
Only because I love and respect you must I point out your grammatical (typo? spelling?) mistake in your new article.
You say: "...and some of them leave behind craters that you'll have to hurtle."
I think 'hurtle' should be 'hurdle.'
Oh, and Moon Patrol is my God so damn you for writing this. Damn you!
Posted by: DavidL | October 5, 2005 7:38 AM
Oh my, I used to drive a pinto. It really was a great car, ran great up to the last week we had it. We used to joke & call it the "eggmoblie" since it looked like an easter egg on wheels(it was white with 3 fairly small yellow stripes).
Oh you had asked for comments on that interview. I loved the way you handle the "William Shatner" comment. That was perfect. You really came across as a great guy. But one thing, you said that your wife is a hair dresser - make sure she wears shoes that have great supports in them - my mom didn't always (dumb dress code) & it really hurt her feet so take care of your wife(anytime you need to get her a great gift think foot massage, trust me on that)
Posted by: Reddy | October 5, 2005 8:04 AM
You know, I like you blogging here. It's so "common man." It's all about the words. :)
Posted by: Liz | October 5, 2005 9:17 AM
Duuuuuude, I loved Moon Patrol
They should re-make it for PS/2. I also miss Lode Runner and Big Top - the original 086 versions, naturally.
Posted by: jo | October 5, 2005 9:59 AM
Lode Runner Rocks! I remember playing that on my friend's Apple II way back in the mid 80s. I even made my own levels using the level number (i.e., level 1 had a big number "1" in it). Way geeky.
Never played MP. Most video games I played were on friends' compys. Didn't have enough money for a lot of games. I think I had 3 Atari games at the most: Qix, Pacman (natch!) and that thing where the ball breaks the bricks.
Posted by: xanadian | October 5, 2005 10:32 AM
So your Midnight Magic column got you lots of email from a bunch of nerds who wished you would die. Sound familiar?
Posted by: Graeme | October 5, 2005 11:06 AM
Nerds...*shrug* Dont think they will ever be happy.
I dig your reviews. Informative with out being boring. I would say thats hard to pull off.
Um. I was reading thru some of your past reviews and the little saying at the bottom of SEPT 14th (Bank Panic) caught my eye. "Wil Wheaton is the author of Just A Geek. He lives in Rock Ridge."
Do you write those too?
I almost spewed Pepsie out my nose when I read that.
"He rode a blazing saddle, he wore a shiny star. His job to offer battle, to bad men near and far.." I could go on, but but I'll spare the eardrums of you and my fellow readers here. :D
Those little blurbs never fail to make me smile.
Posted by: anj | October 5, 2005 1:52 PM
I used to own that game.. The stand up. Then I sold it, since I was turning 21 I thought I should leave those childish things behind... Yes, I was a typical dumb 21 year old...
Wil, you watch Serenity yet?
Posted by: Mudboy | October 5, 2005 4:45 PM
Wil, Do you like adventure games at all? http://adventuregamers.com has an Underground section devoted to small groups or single game creators. Some are great, some just OK (or worse) but they are for the most part FREE, and I just uncovered a truly fun and funny game called Jessica Plunkenstein and the Düsseldorf Conspiracy at http://www.gregames.net
It had the humor of the old LucasArts games, and I highly recommend it!
Posted by: Momcat | October 5, 2005 5:29 PM
MOON PATROL!!!
god i loved that game. that jaunty little music. jumping over stuff.
it's one of my favorite arcade games.
Posted by: rmd | October 8, 2005 7:36 AM
"Kids today might not like it because: They can't pick up a hooker, nail her in the back of their moon buggy, then kick her out, run her over, and take her money."
Dying. Of. Laughter.
Posted by: eyduck | October 11, 2005 2:58 PM
Dammit Wil, now you've got me humming 'Pirates on the Moon'. It'll be stuck in my head for days.
Thanks. Thanks a bunch.
Posted by: davelog | October 12, 2005 7:04 AM
dude, made me laugh out loud at this. glad i FINALLY found where you're posting. missed reading you every day!!
Posted by: enderFP | November 4, 2005 6:29 PM