WIL WHEATON dot NET: 1.5

Wow, Wil. I really liked the story. I read it, looked at the picture closer, then read it again. Its really good! Hope to see more fiction on here in the future!

Good stuff, wil. And I know what you mean about Otis... just imagine sharing a blog with him!!!

I like the little details that gave me the atmosphere for the world in which your characters are walking. Keep at it, you're doing great!

More! This has a great tone.

Too kind, Wil. Too kind. Thing is...now that I've read your version, I want to go back and spend eight hours re-writing mine so it doesn't seem so hackish. Regardless, thanks for the inspiration--on this subject and many others.

This is great stuff. You went all Lovecraft (maybe) at the end and freaked me the hell out.

Subtle. Fitting for the picture, but there's untapped potential in that image!

Amazing Wil! I think you severely underestimate your fiction writing. Very subtle, very cool.

Wil:

I liked your story. It reminded me of the literary postcard competition that I entered earlier this year with geist magazine (http://geist.com/ - winners will be published in a few weeks if anyone is interested in giving them a read).

I liked your subtleness, and the vividness at the same time.

Keep writing!

cheers,
Patricia from Canada

Wil:

Wow! Nice. Especially that little twist at the end. Creepy, i like that *:)*

*waves*
The evil UsagiRyu

Thanks for sharing this Wil. I took to the idea right away and wrote something before reading what others had so I could flesh out my vision of the image. I really enjoyed doing it. Thanks again.

I love your vision of the image.

I like how your vision of the image and Otis' vision of the image fit together so well, even though you wrote your story before you read his. It's almost spooky.

-Tony

Oh, now that's just creepy...

Good job!

That was awesome! not UPN like at all!!

Good stuff. I'm no writer, but a thought. With very short stories you need to set the image in that first sentence. It took me a moment to realize the age gap, the context. As a non-writer, I'll mangle this, but something like:

"The rough lines crinkled in the corner of Farnsworth's eyes as he looked over the photos. Out of habit, he swiftly ran his hand through his slowly graying hair before looking up over his desk at the young man waiting expectantly."

A few descriptive words stablish the age gap, the power gap, and the emotional context for the scene.

I feel stupid, giving advice to an establish writer...

The obvious bond your short story creates between the reader and Martin, proves that it delivers an organic emotion that's easily compatible with the imaginations of the readers.

The appetizer was good, when is the meal coming?? Waiter!

Thanks for the feedback and constructive criticism, everyone.

I am especially thrilled that the Lovecraftian elements made it through, because that creepiness is *exactly* what I was going for.

I don't want to pigeonhole you with more comparisons, but it reminds me of both S. King's short work, and Orson Scott Card's _The Changed Man_ collection (there's some creepy crap in there!). Regardless of similarities to other writers, it is very good. It feels like the beginning of a very good story.

Chris Kessel: I think Wil's version is right on target. The age gap comes out nicely in the second paragraph, and the "reading glasses" reference in the first is an extra clue to the careful reader.

This isn't the story I would have written from the picture, but it's a good one.

Beautifully brief, and yet you managed to set the mood dead-on. I really want to know now what those men were terrified of...or do I? =D I've always admired those who could tell a story with a few deft sentences, so mad props to you, Wil.

I'd write something, but I'm afraid now it will fall into the same vein, and appear woefully inept in comparision. *will make an attempt later on, maybe*

Hi Wil,
You've got my interest!! I would love to see where the story goes. If it were a book I'd read it!

Erm, dude...

You're going to keep writing on that, right? You've got the beginnings of a nice short story there, perhaps even a novel.

BTW: For a guy whose wife hasn't given birth during their marriage, I thought you captured that moment between (ha ha) Martin and his wife beautifully. Nice!

Wil! What happens to the tenant in 302?

The mystery and stillness in Sin City that preceeded something very disturbing. That energetic stillness.

Awww, come on, are you just gonna leave us hangin' like that? I don't care about the 300 words or less rule, I want to read more about Martin and whether or not Mr. Farnsworth ever cuts him any slack.

That's how good you are, Wil. I can't speak for anyone else, but you keep me yearning for more. Your credibility as a fiction writer is every bit as good as your non-fiction work.

In those 299 words, you managed to paint a picture of a man who so desperately wants to succeed at his work in order to support his family. If only he could get that one picture published that would get old man Farnsworth off of his case, he wouldn’t need to worry about the bills, for this month at least. It would be like a five thousand pound weight being lifted off of his shoulders, if he could only get that one good shot. I already care about Martin and Evelyn and what happens to them and their unborn child. And I'd also like to know what's happening in Room 302, and why Martin is so reluctant to return to that room to get the picture of the Ellisons that could pay the rent this month.

Can we possibly add "Screenwriter" to your already impressive resume anytime soon?

Good job, Wil. I loved your story. But I still want more, damn you!!

Sounds good..... I want more!

Ohh... I like this.

It reminds me of a short story I read about a little old lady at a bed and breakfast that kills and taxidermies all her guests. The last thing the narrator does is enjoy his 'almond' tea and biscuits.

Definitely a great start!
Are we going to get more?

Loved it! The picture with those words made it all that much more amazing.

Not sure if it was intentional, but I loved the nod to one of my favorite writers, Harlan Ellison.

Bwhahaha, that's kick ass. :) I LOVE short stories like that!

The whole time I was imagining it as the "Angel Investigations" hotel from "Angel".

Until I actually looked at the picture, that is.

Geez, you gave me chills. *shudders*

I love that you used the name of the late Richard Farnsworth, he is one of my favourite actors. As a result, the image I'm conjuring for the fictional Farnsworth is of the real Richard Farnsworth, and it actually fits quite well.
Nice story, Wil.

Please keep it up Wil, whatever story comes to you. And please be gentle with yourself. I think you know having the doubt to help you stay true and real is what makes for good writing.

Count me in too. I'd like to see more about ... moohahaha ... 302.

Given the cross-inspiration of writers, you might like this:

http://wiredforbooks.org/swaim/

The John Irving interviews are terrific. And accept for the great short story "The Red Queen's Race", I haven't read Asimov yet really--but he's in that catalogue too.

D'you mind if we post our own little snippets of creativity here, Wil? Wasn't sure whether you wanted that or just comments or links or what.

Mine's probably no good anyway, and I didn't want to steal your thunder or anything... Just asking. :)

...and here I thought the one-random-chapter-of-fiction thing was a unique idea. I should have known better, I know.

I did the same thing on my blog a while back. I'm a novice at writing and blogging and it's, well...not good, so I was surprised and excited to see that someone I respect as a writer thought it was a good idea too!

Hopefully this isn't a breach of blogging eetiquette...

http://dietdrthunder.blogspot.com/2006/01/chapter-1.html

Dude,

You're really too hard on yourself. That was excellent. Contrary to the other posters I hope you don't expand on it, as it's a perfect 'moment of time'. It's just own humble opinion, but you should really spend some time on that whole fiction thing.

As an aside, thanks for the e-mail back last week. My wife always seems to look at me as something 'cooler' then I am if she ever sees Wil Wheaton has e-mailed me. I hope Ryan did good over the weekend.

Hey Wil,

That was very good. I'm speaking as a reader here - I think both fellow writer and reader oriented feedback is important in different ways so just thought you should know the perspective I'm coming from.

The one thing that did give me a problem was the opening paragraph. It felt a bit artificial and if it hadn't been you or someone with similar standing in my mind I might well have stoped reading at that point.

I understand that in a short story you need to establish the characters in the scene etc very quickly but I think the way it was done here equates to to the film "rule" of 'Show, Dont Tell'. It feels like you are starting off by breaking down the 4th wall and talking directly to the audience to accomplish that establishment rather than having the story do it in a more inherent fashion. To see what I mean by the nebulous statement "more inherent" I've included my alternate opening below:

Farnsworth frowned as he shuffled the photos. He dropped them on his desk and looked over the top of his reading glasses.

'"I can't use any of these, son." He frowned over his reading glasses, shuffling the next photo to the top of the stack. "I can hardly see the men, and there's too much whitespace in here." He continued, pointing at the tin ceiling.

Martin recalled how brightly it had reflected the flash, and how the younger man had flinched in the light...'

It still gets the info in there but more embedded in the flow of the story.

The rest of the piece just got better and better as it went along. Good work mate.

Ah cr@p. Obviously remove the original openning paragraph from my alternate above. *8(
Damned cut&paste!

Very nice...keep the fiction coming. Maybe even a book of short stories sometime?

All fabulous fiction has an undercurrent of truth. This is a beautiful product of life's daily struggles. Thank you, Wil.

There was a question on the Flickr page about this, regarding the sign in the b.g., which read "Due to the HOL..."

From what I have gathered, it basically means they jacked the rates up due to the holiday. Noting that it is also August 2nd, 1920 by the calendar marking, the only holidays I could locate are Civic Holidays for Canada, and Ice Cream Soda/Ice Cream Sandwich Day as well. Go fig.

I'd like to take a crack at this too. Lemme see what I can crank out.

Fracking Hawesome! So what if you're not quite as good as some other guy, it was still incredibly intreguing. You probably also see it from the artists perspective, which is notorious for being either abnormally good or abnormally bad...

Just getting ideas out of your head and on paper is an awesome feeling. If you can retain enough interest in writing something chances are other people will too.

So more I say MORE!!

Oooh, maybe you could do some kind of podcast radiodrama... like oldtimey radiodramas... but newpodcasty...

Come on folks. That's the point of the exercise, *we* write the rest of it in *our* heads.

It's a fabulous beginning that can go in half a dozen directions at the mere first glance. Sure he could go on and it would be just as great but that's the *easy* way.

Open that door in your mind and start walking down that dark, haunting hallway with the eerie sounds. See what happens. But remember, don't look behind you, you don't want to know what's following ...

Wil,

Not that you were asking for feedback, and its not like I was willing to put myself out there, so feel free to ignore.

I like everything you wrote except for two lines that really stuck out for me.

"and Martin felt it in his soul when he walked up the stairs into the second floor lobby."

There's just something too...explicit in this.

And
"...begin the long process of wiping that feeling

Another stumbling point. I'm only saying this because I really liked everything else, but these two sentences were like speed bumps, jarring me out of the story.

Maybe something simpler such as "the sooner he could pour himself a drink. The first of many"

Suggests a bit more depth to Martin, how he deals with stress etc. Just my $.02 before my first cup of coffee.

Awesome Wil, and damned creepy too. I want to know what he saw, but at the same time I really, really don't want to know. Very cool story.

Very Twilight Zone. I love it! I hope you write more without the disclaimers at the beginning. You're a very descriptive and engaging writer. Don't sell yourself short. This story pulled me in and made me want to yell MORE! when it ended. Great work :)

Loved the one-sentence ending. Would make a great opening story in a collection maybe? Hint...Hint...

I loved your story, but I'd say it was more "Night Gallery" than "Twilight Zone". That's OK by me, though!

Did you ever see a movie called "Burnt Offerings" with Karen Black and Oliver Reed? It was a Dan Curtis (RIP) Production, but IMO, the scariest thing he ever did. Your story reminds me of that movie. Check it out sometime.

Awesome little piece. I want more now though!

Good and creepy.

What happens next???

I hate when there's a cliffhanger. Guess I'll have to keep tuning in ...

A little Stephen King, a little Poe, a little Twilight Zone...nice, Wil! Do more of these!

I tried my hand at it, but am currently dumpin' the hate on it.

http://yawpmona.blogspot.com/2006/04/wil-wheatonshane-nickerson-writing.html

Very creepy. Inspires me to try my hand at one. We'll see if I can eke out the time in my day... I like how you managed to create a fleshed out character with so few words. That takes considerable talent!

How about this?

Radio Free Burrito - Fiction Edition Episodes

A story such as the one above, narrated episode style.

Just a thought. I'd certainly be listening to it.

Joe's suggestion rocks. If all of my favorite authors had blogs where they narrated original fiction, I'd PAY to listen to it.

That would be simply fantastic.

HAWESOME IDEA JOE-

now if only I had thought of it :P

What say you Wil?

Creepy as all get out. Nicely done.

Otis may have had a slight edge on plot, but you killed him on characterization. That is your strong suit in writing, and the most valuable one to have. No matter the genre, we enivitably read for the characters. I've thought for a very long time that you should be writing fiction (novels, rather than short stories, so you have room to develop the tales) - it's your destiny.

Thank you tony mcdowell and MistyB78! :)

Nice job Wil!
I was looking for a writing prompt for today..guess i have you and Nickerblog to thank now! I normally write poetry, and SOOOO had an idea in my head once i saw the picture, but used the chance to try something other than poetry.

Again, great job...and will you write more?
Please?

Excellent story. Very ominous and mysterious. I hacked one up too -- went a rather different route than the other entries I've spied -- and I trackbacked to Nickerblog as well. Hope you catch it.

http://www.visiblewear.com/?p=4

scary! I like it!

hi-ho, there wil --

in the same vein of "scary old photos", ron over at Big Happy Fun House (http://www.bighappyfunhouse.com/) has found photographic evidence that you are a cyborg from the past -- but i stuck up for ya. anyway, check out this amazing old photo of your doppleganger! (scroll down past the evil george bush doppleganger) http://tinyurl.com/fb7vc

Hey Wil or anyone interested. A movie called The Girls Room is on Lifetime right now starring our very own Wil. My wife called me in to tell me....

That ending sucks. Why don't you make it so that Martin goes home, and shoots his wife, then he runs away and joins the Texas Rangers? Something good like that.

Oh, Kudos to tara for that great reference. Made me laugh.

Great story Wil. Beautiful, eerie ending or jump off point.

Brilliant as ever.

Dear Wil,
I really liked your story!!!!
How ironic it is to find you here. Do you remember a girl in dreads, and a Bob Marley shirt on, chasing you down the Fun Zone arcade in Balboa CA.?
After yelling "THAT"S WIL WHEATON!!" you took off running into the back of the store? Say 1988ish? That's ME!
Ha Ha...You also gave an autograph to the guy working there for me. I saw you later at the Del Taco, ordering drinks...
Small world. I still have the autograph, and with huge stars in my eyes, I tell all I know about that encounter...
Listen, Wil...Keep doing what your doing...I am proud of you.
Never forget us crazy folk who chased ya down!
I am glad to hear that your life has gone on.
By the way, I have normal hair, still love Bob Marley..married with kids too! And the ironic thing is my maiden name is the same as your step children.
Love and God be with you.
Kris

Awesome story, as usual. Ill put up my meager offering to this thing soon as I type it up and figure out how trackback works. Failing that, Ill just stick a link here.

Here's another thought...what about making something like this a weekly thing? Post a new pic each week for one of these.

Here's the link to mine. LJ crocked up formatting, and I dont have time to fix it at the moment. Cant figure out trackback to save my life. Oh well

Great stuff as always, Mr. Wheaton. I love the idea that picture presents and I hope others attempt something like this. I remember the news paper in my area when I lived in Florida used to run a paragraph for Halloween and then you had to complete the story in under X ammount of words; I always liked participating in that. I'll be sure to give this a try on my blog. Anyway, I'm glad to see creative-writing on the blog; it affords a rare chance to see more of your talent as a writer.

I liked it: creepy and fun! If we are voting on it, I LOVE the idea of a RFB Fiction Edition. I really like the idea of you going all Vincent Price in my head as I listen to the podcast. The very idea gives me chills!

You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind...next stop - the wwdn zone.

Nice story Wil.

nice! short short fiction is super hard, but you got a whole story in. i think the creepiness of the picture is much more apparent when you can see the detail of the men in the pic; maybe you could post a cropped version too?

something else i wonder about the picture: why are there all those wall calendars?

ciao

Wil,
I think this was a nice start to a short story. It really captured my imagination and my attention.

I also read Otis' and while I thought it was also good, it didn't make me want to read more as much as yours did.

Thanks for sharing!

Oooooohhhh! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

I really liked your story! It reminded me of the stories I used to read in the old Alfred Hitchcock anthologies.

I esp. liked that you followed Mark Twain's advice: "Don't tell us the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream!"

I would love to see more memes like this!

Ignatz

Dude, I read this post a few days ago and last night, I dreamt that I was in a hotel room and the phone rang. I think it was dark, too. Anyway, I picked up the phone and the person on the other end said, "It's time to eat." I immediately woke up and looked around the room in the dark. After my heart beat was regular and I figured out that it was just a dream, I went back to sleep.

Oh that is too creepy for
words-good work, Wil!

I tried enlarging that pic-and it really looks spooky-
something like out of "Thriller" (the Boris Karloff one)!

I think it would be fun if you did something like this every couple of weeks!

Thanks!