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May 21, 2002
I'm in my garage, digging through a box of stuff, trying to find my Awful Green Things From Outer Space game.
I'm on the cold concrete floor, looking through the open box. I move aside some books and find my game. As I lift it out of the box, it reveals this Cadet Wesley Crusher action figure, just sitting there in the bottom of the box.
I look at him, wondering whether I should just look away and pretend that I didn't see him, or take him out and say hello.
After an awkward silence, I pick him up and say, "Hey, how you doin'?"
He just stares back at me, silent and stoic from within his plastic cell.
I consider him for a moment and tell him, "you know, you look sort of cool in this uniform. You should have stuck around a bit longer, so you could have worn it more."
He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday's water wax. I wonder if his perfect hair still smells like Sebastian Shaper hairspray.
His eyes burn into mine, his blank stare mocking me, and I can't take it any longer.
I put him back into the box, and as I'm about to put an unopened box of 1990 Topps NHL trading cards on him he says, "Wait!"
I lift up the box of cards, and he's looking up at me, his smug confidence replaced with sadness.
"Hey, I don't want to stay in this box any more. You gotta let me out." His green eyes implore me to release him.
"Sorry, Wesley, but if I take you off of that card, you're worthless."
"Well, at least let me come sit on a shelf in your house! This box is cold and dark, and since you took out the Ren and Stimpy plush toys in December, there isn't even anyone to talk to!"
I think of the years he and I spent together. I think back to our falling out, and I can't believe that someone I was so close to has become such a stranger, and I know what I must do.
"You're right, Wesley. You can't stay in this box any longer. It's just not right. I'm going to find you a new home. Someplace where you will have lots of other action figures to talk to, and maybe even a collectible plate or two."
"You mean...you're going to put me on eBay?"
"No! You suck, Wheaton!"
"Shut up, Wesley."
Posted by wil at May 21, 2002 11:03 AM
I am afraid to ask, what exactly would a Spudnuts action-figure do?
And why is my Barbie in the corner whispering to my to Luke Skywalker figure?
Also, why is my post at the beginning?
Shut up Wil ! Man that was too good .Thats for the laugh .
Oops thats thanks ,I was still laughing .
Wil, if you still haven't found your funny yet, I think you're blind. I laughed so hard, I spit coffee on my brand new monitor.
Woohoo! Finally a reason to register over at Ebay. Thanks, Wil!
Woohoo! Finally a reason to register over at Ebay. Thanks, Wil!
Very cool, I keep hoping to afford something from you Wil, maybe this time is the charm. Keep up the good work. Watch out for them talking dolls though. I mean action figures.
Yikes...I'm sorry, my computer is retarded today. I think the gunk under the enter key needs to be evicted finally.
Keep up this ebay business and you will be able to retire!
The unopened box of '90 Topps NHL cards really caught my attention. I'm a horde.. err.. collector (yes, that'll do) of hockey cards, would you be willing to put up the box on Ebay, or better yet just sell them straight to me? I'll give you $5(Canadian) and a Landspeeder(Japanese Import) for them... if you are willing to seperate with them, lemme know. Thanks
Curses! Now I must go home get Awful Green Things out of the box (its hiding under the Ogre & GEV)and force someone to play it with me....
I heart the Comm Laser!
Okay, so why are you buying pictures of yourself? (She asks, after boredly looking to see how much that photo actually went for.)
Know that, even with an Uncle Willy moniker Sharpie'd on the package, the little Cadet may still escape his environs.
Somewhere out there, *hums to self* there is an Emperor Vir doll dancing with an Amidala doll on a bookshelf, while a Han Solo doll wears a Padme' face while dancing with an Amidala-as-Handmaiden doll as an Ivanova doll looks on....
Cadet Wesley, meet Agent Scully....
You better post a warning on the auction that the doll is possesed! :o
If you're that short of money perhaps some candid Playgirl-style shots might be next to be auctioned.
Not that I've ever seen Playgirl, you understand, but I've heard it described and, well, you know ...
Doesn't it feel weird for you to have an action figure of yourself? I think it would freak me out...
Hi Wil...May I call you Wil? Wow,I feel oddly strange here in the land of OZ.Ive never been a Trekie or Treker but a casual watcher of the show [when it's on I watch].I found your web site from an article written in the free local rag "The Mercury" here in Las Vegas.Ive got to admit I've always wondered what happened to you? I was taken by "SURPRISE" while visiting here this morning.While reading yesterdays post all of the sudden today's post popped up.That means at exactly this moment you are in front of your computer just as I am,its like you walked in the room...WHOA! Im like all nervous and stuff LOL.Anyway,I just wanted to say hello and I look forward to following your site.Im going to go make a bid now on Ebay.
That's fuuny Wil.
You should put it on ebay.
I can get it for my son Ryan.
He's just know getting into Star Trek.
He's 9 yrs old LOL!. I went through my boxes
in my garage 2 months ago and found all my
Stand By Me pics. I'd never part with those.
Dude, keep it. You'll want it someday.
Yo that was funny!
What did the original price sticker say? It looked like only $5.44. I couldn't quite make it out. Looks like it was a sound investment.
How cold hearted you are! LoL
I have a couple of these, Jer.
It was originally 5.99, according to the tag.
Jesus Will! What were you thinking when you bid on those clippings of yourself? Were you trying to keep some weird person from getting his/her hands on it?
Good luck with the auction.
I made a Wil Wheaton doll out of a turnip and paperclips but this would be so much cooler.
By the way, nice cookies.
Um, Wil, it seems to me you are still very pissed about the whole Wesley thing and your falling out with the show. Getting rid of your Wesley action figure (like you don't have a box of them?) seems like another exorcism of your Wesley past. I know you took the hate mail personally, (when I was younger and watching the show and Wes was skewered by the pig-thing with the spear in some Q episode, I remember cheering with the others watching with me. Yah, I was a dork then.) Now I am older, maybe still a dork - but an older dork - and am watching the shows again. And you know what? Wes doesn't suck! Despite what people may have thought of Wes (not Wil, don't confuse the two anyone.) you still played the role convincingly and very well. So I humbly take back my cheering from long ago and redirect it from Wes to Wil. You are a great inspiration Wil, even if you don't know it, to many people. I think you should keep the action figure. I would if I were you.
Two cents: The author is not the words, and the actor is not the part.
How sure are you that it will stand next to other action figures at a strangers' house? It might get stuck next to Nsync dolls...help us now!
Only $5.99! Kind of dates it a little.
I must be getting really old!
Hmmm. I don't know how I would feel if someone found it possible to construct my likeness out of a turnip and paperclips.
Hrm. Funny, yet creepy at the same time. It's those damn eyes that follow you everyplace...
Uhh...I have a few of these.
I'm not "exorcising" anything.
Relax, everyone. :)
maybe it's just me but....isn't it weird finding toys of yourself? or purchasing them for that matter?
it's probably just me.
I say SELL IT ALL....shit, if someone would pay money for the "junk" in my basement/garage, I'd be an auctioning fool!
Ok, but don't blame me when you find one of those little Wesley's macking on the Mrs. ;)
Wow, already over $60! Go Wil!!
Watch out how many things you autograph. Our former Prime Minister over here, Maggie Thatcher (of blessed memory), has reportedly signed so many copies of her autobiography that the unsigned ones are quite rare and therefore worth more...
First, you know that I love you as much as the next "guy-who-watched-TNG-to-see-your-hot-mom-and-that-counsellor-chick-doing-aerobics-in-the-hollodeck," but it kinda scares me that you had to buy your own action figure. Was Berman to cheap to buy everyone their own action figures? I suppose Playmates lost their shirts on the whole "Riker-without-beard" figure and forced everyone to buy their own.
Whatever the case, I'm gonna go bid on your little demonic likeness now. (See, I'm a sucker too.)
PS - if ya got that Ashley Judd action figure, I could really have some fun "displaying" them around the house.
LOL! I love this site, but those last 4 lines are seriously the funniest thing ever! (for today at least ;) )
Hey, if it's got the price ticket on it, does that mean you actually went in to a store and bought it?
Were they surprised you were purchasing yourself?
Wil, I seriously think all the fresh air you are getting from geocaching is going to your head! I think you just need to sit around and relax for a while. It'll do you the world of good.
Lemme guess: the car was running with the garage door closed while you were in there. ;)
whoops, try this
Saaaaayy, I wonder if I can take my "Data" action figure and auction it off. I can even attempt to fake up a Spiner autograph and include a couple of photos of me doing it so people could know the authenticity of my forgeries.
I could maybe make $5.99 or so.
I just hope that my likeness never gets turned into an action figure (well maybe a GI Joe... AFSOC Pararescue... Nah...) I don't think I could handle it. Nice prose.
Hey Wil, I love how you made a story out of this. You are so cool!
You're a silly, silly man, mister.
"No! You suck, Wheaton!"
Odd... If you have more of them, how did this particular one end up exiled in the garage? Was he the one going around saving the Land Rover and other toys all the time so that the rest of the Wesleies just kicked him off the island? Did he have glasses and eat all the food? Or did he just explore the next level in action figure consciousness and eventually get ditched by the Traveller action figure?
Hmmm... Interesting link Mr. Berry. Get this, the lister says about it:
"The card is UNPUNCHED and STRESS FREE!"
Notice how he DOESN'T say that the Wesley FIGURE itself is unpunched and stress free. It must therefore not be genuine.
I just checked last month's phone records for my Blue Hawaii Elvis (http://www.mcphee.com/bigindex/current/M5788.html) and I notice several suspiciously long and frequent calls from a "W. Crusher Mint-in-box, Glendale."
I HAVE noticed that the action figure background chatter has been up lately and I frankly think the little fuckers are planning something.
Watch your back.
Note to self: put whiny She-Ra doll up on eBay
Loose "Wesley" figures ARE NOT worthless!!!
I get $3-4 for them at the flea market!
Rendezvous with Blue Hawaii Elvis and Wesley Crusher Mint-in-Box at 0800 hours, three june at Dr. Shrinker thermos.
OMG! Funny! How the hell do you do it, you bastard?!?
hi wil, i have to say, i really enjoyed this entry. I think That you still should create a book of all your thoughts and little sayings - espcially including this one!
I come from england and what i want to know is, how come it's possible for us to understand your humour and find it funny, but you americans struggle to understand ours??
Hey, I would have taken that Wesley figure. I've got a little Xena figure that has little Marcus Cole, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Julian Bashir on leashes. I could have added Wes to the mix ... The little bastard would have been glad you sold him. *chortle*
wow. reading that post and getting to the conclusion just made me feel really, really dirty.
The bids are up to almost a hundred bucks.
I wish I had some MrsVeteran action figures still lying around -- especially the ones with the Kung-Fu grip -- 'cause I could sure use some pin money.
Why couldn't I have been on Star Wars??? I would be an eBazillionaire!
Um...yeah. Okay. Never mind. ~sigh~ :-)
Hmmm I MUST own this demonic Weasly action figure.
Crap, now I have to sign up with Ebay. I fell so dirty.
You always make me smile. ;)
Damn, I remember when all the action-figure toys were $5.99... mainly cuz I remember how expensive that was to me as a kid.
I bet young Wesley was hoping for a cruise on the landspeeder(to pick up space chicks) before his trip through the postal system. Hmmm, maybe he will end up in the fabulous trash compactor on your beloved Death Star...put there by the non-friend of your youth.
Living in his parents basement. His only claim to fame, having pulled a fast one on "TV's Wil Wheaton"...
Zoiks! $91 buckaroos, so far! What accouterments will you acquire next, Wil?
Wil, it's good that you aren't exorcising anything. But you should be exercising poor Cadet Wesley ;0)
I'd buy it myself but I might be tempted to do immoral and unnatural things *Grins*
According to the description of his auction, he's going to sign a photo for the winner too! (methinks he forgot to change the description from his old auction *g*)
Unless, of course, he's going to open the package and sign the trading card that comes with it *g*
I want a spudnuts action figure
with a pickle hat
i'd gladly buy that from ya wil, but im only 16 and my mom won't buy it ;( really funny post dude!
LOL.. great entry...
Ya gotta sometimes feel sad for the poor plastic He-Mans and She-ras all stuffed away in the toy trunks downstairs. But that's life I guess.. hehe
Well, I decided to push the auction up above $100... someone else made me do it! When I typed in "$100" a little box popped up and read "someone else has outbid you..." -- what is that crap? So, don't you see? My new Star Wars Reek with Battle Roar and the Red Katarina Medieval Witchblade action figures started raising holy hell when I said, "$103.50? Hey, signed or not, that sucker better talk to me like he does to Wil." So, I did it. I pushed the button. Good thing my Mastercard is clear...
You know, I'm rethinking this... if Wesley takes orders as well as he did under Pikard, when I'm programming late at night and I start hearing whispers, and the Droidekas hum to life, will they shut up if I order it?
I'm only doing this so you can upgrade your e-Trex to a Meridian, Wil!
Seems like you are always in your garage looking through boxes and stuff... where do you park your car?
Like any good Los Angeles resident, I park my car in my driveway because my garage is filled with junk. We all know that only weirdos park their cars in their garages here.
I would rather have a wil riker action figure.. he gets all the chicks..
did they ever have a ashley judd action figure? man.. she was a hotty.. Wil was she cocky hot chick or what back then?
be sure to keep all your boxes and stuff
AWAY from the washer and dryer if it's
located in your garage. Trust me.
"News Flash: Wil Wheaton finds his funny cache with his eTrex."
Awesome piece - it had me laughing out loud.
It was suitably demented, too. It made me think of that talking wooden puppet in the old Twilight Zone episode.
ps that would be a good candidate for the opening chapter of your anthology (you HAVE to call the book "Shut up, Wesley").
I have to agree with jerhanny.
You should keep at least 1 of them and
put the rest on ebay!! :)
You'd be glad that you did.
p.s how many of them do you have?
Like someone above me here said, thanks for the smile. I love your site :-)
Ha, that garage rule is not exclusive to California. ;)
My parents put my comics and baseball cards in the garage :(
Wow. As I check this out, the auction is up at around $120 or so. Wil Wheaton = the man, and stuff. I, too am watching the early TNG episodes (bought the 1st and 2nd season DVD packs), and I'm seeing that Wesley was a geek. But when I was that age, I looked up to the geek. He had all those neat things to use in his daily life (holodecks, transporters, replicators, etc.) and I was jealous. I only professed hatred for him because my friends did, and heaven forbid that you say anything contrary to popular opinion when you're in high school.
Anyway, Wil rocks. I'd bid on this, but I'd personally never spend that much on a single action figure, so I guess Wesley will have to miss out on the opportunity to be reunited with Data and Troi, not to mention the chance to mack on the likes of Aeri(th/s) Gainsborough and Aki Ross. :)
I guess I'll stay tuned for when you're in your garage and you hit that box with the Wesley Crusher uniform...
Why did everyone keep pulling down on the front of those? Did they ride up that bad?
Omg, thanks for making my day, Wil! I needed a laugh and got my fix!
Speaking of Wesley, what's the update on the appearance in the next movie? Anyone?
Wil Wheaton, you crack me up!! What are you doing buying pin-ups of yourself for 5 dollars? You are so funny!!
I laughed so much when I read the final bit, that my co-workers looked at me with raised eyebrows.
That was the best one I've heard this year..
What a way to cash in on laugh....
Wil, thanks so much for sharing that story and for the laugh I got out of it. :)
Hey Synchronicity....that episode of The Twilight Zone was just on yesterday on Sci-Fi!!
Just a coincidence?...you decide....***creepy music here***
Damn Wil, you make a killing on ebay and your not even dead!:) ( Knock on Wood ). Love your posts man, keep em coming. I still have all my garbage pail kids cards hehehhe.
Damn Wil, you make a killing on ebay and your not even dead!:) ( Knock on Wood ). Love your posts man, keep em coming. I still have all my garbage pail kids cards hehehhe.
I can't even remotely believe they are attempting to sell the Wesley in the Picard box for close to $4000.00. That makes me laugh. I saw a similiar boxed figure of that at a Pasadena ST convention four $500.00 and I thought it was outragously priced then. Hell I need to go through my attic collection, I bet I could beat half the stuff on EBAY! Most of it has a personal meaning to me though and so it will probably stay put for the years to come. I felt I just needed to express my new found feeling of humor today.
By the way, your post today was hilarious, I can certainly understand why any script that you write is going to be filled with such humor, dry and ironic alike.
Looks like people really want a piece of that sweet plastic ass.
Wil, NO! Keep your figure! OPEN THE EVIL PLASTIC CELL! Love your little plastic self, make him battle your son's action figures, and chip his paint!
*cuddles her worn Geordi figurine to her chest* The ones I kept on the card were NOT FUN. Do you know how cool it is to have an action figure of Yourself?! That's my ultimate acting career goal, right there! Accomplished! I'm surprised you don't have all the different Wesleys, and make them fight. And kiss.
Of course, Patrick Stewart is beyond all measures of coolness: he has like twenty different figures from multiple shows.
Go buy a Wesley figure! OPEN HIM, DAMNIT!
The "Wil buying his own clippings" is funny as hell. I can just imagine the seller, checking to see who won the item...
Did they ever make a Wesley cardboard standie? I've seen Picard and Data everywhere, and I had Geordi... *coughs* I was ten, okay? *draps a blanket over Levar's visored visage in the corner*
I need me a Wesley to put on my mantle too...he would be able to hang out with Jay, Silent Bob, the Beatles, the Blue Meanies, Wolverine, red Spidey, black Spidey, the little G.I. Joes singing Y.M.C.A., and even some Grateful Dead bears. Oh, he would have such fun! (but watch out-Paul stole Jay's tiny bong and tiny bag of plastic, um, tobacco. Silly Beatle.)
I just saw your action figure is going for some egregious amount, like $130 bucks or something. I have some stuff I would like to sell. Maybe you could sign it and write about it in your blog and then we could split the gigantic profit.
That's just about the most satisfying read I've had all day. God speed, Wesley Crusher...
Hey, I'm as anti pack rat as anyone, but just don't get rid of all your wes-o-mobilia. Could be fun to look back at it with the grandkids.
"no! you suck, wheaton!"
"shut up, wesley."
(brings out tear-wiping machine)
Well, the action figure just moved beyond my ceiling of $150... *sniff*
Hey Wil - I have about 2000 cards from the very first Magic The Gathering sets... wanna trade? I've already been offered $500 for them. Hell, if you sold them, they'd be worth like 10 times that much!
Then you really could afford a nice Magellan Meridian Gold with all of the TopoUSA mapping software and extra memory - PHAT!
The funny thing about this? There is a thread all about Mr. Wheaton on www.geocaching.com's Discussion forum.
dude, wil wheaton is *so* cool. that's funny shit.
Ren and Stimpy plush toys? You have Ren and Stimpy plush toys? My life can never be complete now that I know that such things exist and that I don't have the slightest idea of how to obtain one. It's so unfair.
Wil.... it's a toy Wil...
and if you are hearing it talk to you..
back away from the toy...
thanks for the laugh Wil.. as I sit here
wondering what I'm going to do about my
work situation (having given notice 2 times
and still the boss offers more)
I needed the laugh..
I'm sure others, many others, would agree with Data; "Our neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory input patterns, and they are missed..
"Be sure to dress warm on those other planes of existence" Mr. Crusher
Mr. Spock might say; "you may find after a time the having a Mr. Crusher toy figure is not nearly as fine a thing as wanting a Mr. Crusher toy figure or the cash one could get for it..
be careful Wil, "Brace yourself, the area of penetration will no doubt be sensitive."
as Wil dances around the room yelling;
"show me the money!"
Wow, there are 574 geocaches in the United Kingdom:
There's 4 within about 20 miles of me. So now I shall know what one is if I inadvertently stumble across it. And I would never have heard of geocaching if I hadn't come to WWDN. :-)
Dang, I wish I had $200 to buy that plastic Wesley! He sounds kind of hot. And he talks. (but probably only to wil)
I forgot to ask, does this blog title bring to anyone else's mind an image of Peter Brady asking "Mira, mira, on the wall, who's the dullest one of all?" and pointing to his chest? Or is that just me?
Oh man, my husband is so happy about this. When I recently expressed dismay in the amount of money he spent on World Cup tickets he said "I wish there was something out there that you'd spend money on." Wil, you've made his day.
By the way...I kept scrapbooks of teen photos, they're in boxes in my parent's basement. I'd be happy to give you the ones of you, I sure wouldn't charge you $5! I think I've been in Korea too long...here a photo belongs to the person who's in it. It's a nice sentiment, but makes for a boring photo album...all me!
"Shut up, Wesley!"
How come I didn't see that one coming? Still makes me laugh every time I hear it.
Wil, you are so funny I can't even stand it. I wish I had some Star Trek action figures... I wonder if they still sell them in the store? I'll have to check. Hippiewitch, your post was funny, and I have a little thing to tell you: before I knew who he was, Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) came into the store where I work (good old Laird Stationery, in Fair Haven, NJ) with his wife and ordered the Christening invitations for their daughter Harley Quinn. I took the order, but again, I had no idea who he was. It just so happens that Harley was Christened at the church my husband and I attended, and we happened to be at that Mass. They had her Christened naked- it was so cute. It wasn't until about 2 years later that I became aware of who Kevin Smith was. He and his wife were very nice, btw. Also, my husband went to high school (Henry Hudson, in lovely downtown Highlands, NJ) with both Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes. Hubby says that Jason is *exactly* like he is in the films, only worse. Just thought you'd enjoy that little tidbit of information! Have a great day, everyone.
Wil, whats next? the boxers or briefs?
if you want to make some real cash!
What IS a scarier thought: Spudnuts action
figures or Wil talking to HIS toys?
In my book they are both equal. shudder....
By the way where is SPUDNUTS..MIA?
Oh and yes they DID make Ren and Stimpy plush/
stuffed toys. They even made TALKING ones!
Wow! Now tzhats was funny, Wil!! Hey...with this you find your funny!!!:)) aren't you happy?:)
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
*Thud (I fell off my round ball and landed on my leg) Let me explain... que the long excuse!
I work in England, in an office where my boss has suddenly become an obsessive Health Guru and has replaced all our office chairs with big round balls in order to improve our posture. See we are not half as weird as they make us out to be =P
I go to your site everyday and even though I was late (as I was working hard for a change), just wanted to say thanks, it was very funny, totally destroyed my hard work theme though..
Ha! Ha! Ha! tehee! he! shit my legs hurt
You know, I remember when I was a wee lad going to K-mart and looking for a Data, Borg, or even Worf action figure and finding a sea of Crushers (mother and child), Thomas Rikers (you know, William Thomas Riker's "brother" from a pretty lame fourth-season episode, I think), and Benjamin Siskos. I'm sure K-mart would still be thriving if they'd realized their Wesley Army were worth a hundred bucks each. ;-)
And I own a Stimpy doll which makes a farting sound when you squeeze its stomach. Granted the sound comes from his tongue, but its fun all the same.
oops. i see that someone already mentioned this. my bad.
I know that this question reaches back many years, but how does/did it feel to have an action figure made of your character?
I know that the post was made in the usual jocular tone, but it DOES seem to suggest a reconciliation with the past. Comedy is a form of therapy, conscious or not. It was very amusing. Wil and his multiple personalities.
(do all of your past characters talk to you or just those that have been immortalized in plastic?)
Having read the seller feedback on your eBay account, I've come to the conclusion that *that* is your secret plan in selling things there. :-)
"Wesley's a tool, but Wil is real cool"
Henh. How can you beat that?
AGTFOS is a kick-ass game - I've owned it since it was first released by TSR (which, by the way, was a hell of a lot higher quality than the one SJG is selling).
Oh, and no offense meant to Wil, but you guys that are bidding upwards of $200 for that little chunk of plastic seriously need to take another look at your priorities.
Too funny. Recently I was going through my brother's and mine stuff when we were teens and I just couldn't get rid of our STNG action figures, especially the handsome Ensign WC one. They aren't in their original packages because my bro and I actually played with them. Yep, we were dorks, and proud of it. But had all the cardboard backs and accessories. I just kept thinking my little son might like these one day...
Damn I wish I had $300, "and she said, for $300 dollars I'd do it".
I could put Wil up against my old plastic man figure!
Who would win?
Damn, Uncle Willy, that's pretty damned funny. Not just funny, but very well-written too. You've got the talent, m'boyo. Thanks for the laughs and the thoughts.
Over $200 for an action figure???? You have to be kidding. Wil, should have waited for this auction to end and get yourself a loaded Garmin 76S.
Is it too late to get into the Beanie Baby craze??
Better not use a sharpie pen to sign that box.
Since it is now a copy protection circumvention device, you might be sued under the DMCA ;) for promoting it.
On another note: "Don't sell the action figure now. It may be worth something someday."
WEird to see an old version of yourself. I say keep it. Stick it back in the trunk and pull it out in a couple years time and see what you think then. Memories might not always be good but they're all special in a way. Hang on to it!
Put the "cold, dark box" which held the action figure up for sale. And the sharpie.
>> I am afraid to ask, what exactly would a Spudnuts action-figure do?
Someday, some genius is going to do for action figures what Cafepress does for t-shirts and mugs.
Fuck superhero and sci-fi action figures. Everyone wants an action figure of THEMSELVES. I don't want Wesley Crusher. I want Wil Wheaton Microbrew PS2 PHP Red Bull Tech Bitch action figure. And Kottke with Karate Action Claw. And Bionic Bob Cringley with poseable mutton shank and Logitech Mouseman Optical.
Fucking toy manufacturers don't have ANYTHING Spudnuts wants.
And, no, I don't know why I gave Bob Cringely a mutton shank, so don't fucking ask.
You know what would be cool?
Having a bobble-head doll of yourself.
Well i won't ask WHY but I WILL ask WHAT a
"mutton shank" is?
Or do we want to know?
(from a fish-a-tarian point of view it sounds
like something having to do with lamb..ugh.)
But Wil some people are already bobble head dolls
in real life. Living breathing bobble head dolls.
They just don't know it.
Oh, SPLENDID idea. I can see it now...
"I just paid $450 for a real autographed Wil Wheaton bobble-head doll!!"
"Hey Wheaton, you're a really p**sy aren't you?"
Crazed fan taps Wil Wheaton bobble head doll on the head.
"That's what I thought! You think the apex of your career was the Curse, DON'T YOU??"
Crazed fan taps doll on the head.
You are a very funny individual some times - most times!
I'd snag it if I could afford it ;) Although I do have a SPOCK (from TNG) as well as Data's twin (I'm blanking on his name, I so suck!) as well! And all in the packaging just like yours'.
Wonder if I could sell 'em and then I'll have the $$$ to buy ol' Wesley! What a country!
Wil has a copy of Awful Green Things From Outer Space! How cool is that?
Seriously thoough, if little models of yourself start talking back.....its an Government plot to control your mind. Before you know it you'll be wondering around thinking that Dubya is a really swell guy....
I liked Wesley. I never organized a "We Love Wesley" campaign. I just tuned in each week.
My Wesley Crusher figure never talked to me, though. Ever see "Trilogy of Terror"? Scary.
Aw Wil, Why are you selling all your stuff? If you're hard up for cash I can lend ya 10 bucks, but only til payday.
That was so funny Wil. I wish ou could get yourself a book published with little diddy's like this. You seriosly give some funny story's but also give us things to think about.
Buy that man a pint.
23rd May 2002
You should have used this post for the eBay description. Your bids would quadruple! :)
I just found my William F-ing Shatner doll circa 1970-something... I think it was from when the cartoon was popular cuz he's got a pastel blue phaser. I'm gonna send this to you so you can take pictures of you torturing it. Then we'll send them to Shatner for a kind or ransom and threatening to...
Oh, forget it. It'll never be as funny as someone paying over $200 for a plastic Spudnuts...
Glad to see you're finally coming out of the garage, kid.
It is 8:37pm pacific time and that little action figure that my son has 2 of is now going for $280.00. Damn I wish he would have left at least one in the cardboard package.
I keep telling him one day they will be worth something!
Wow, its up to $280 now. Are ya feelin' the love, man?
holy! that was the funniest thing ive heard all week! honestly! although, i could be influenced by the extra strength tylenol cold medication that im on right now...but i dont care...that is damn funny! i enjoy the fact that wil talks to his action figures...and that they talk back...especially since its an action figure of himself...
id like one of those you know...well, one of me...but then, id have to get a tv show...but it would have to be a show that would warrant an action figure...like, i wouldnt get one if i were on the gilmore girls, for example...it would have to be like dark angel or something...oh yeah
sall i gotta say
oh and i liked the pants thing from the other day, but i dont ahve time to do another post...so just know that youre the funniest guy on the planet wil! besides the guy who came up with "sudsy ammonia!" honestly...i have no clue! it just makes it sound perky, like a childs toy or something (i am not making this up)
The Wil said: "He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday's water wax."
Dude, trade that action figure in for some shampoo and conditioner. 280 bucks buys a lot of Suave.
Seriously, I loved the post... you're a funny funny guy.
So, here's the thing. Wil spends 5 dollars on Teen Beat/Tiger Beat type 80s propaganda. He then hides it in a box in the basement. 6 weeks later he posts here about finding the Teen Magazine photos in the basement and offers to sell them on ebay with his autograph for the low low price of $200 per picture. This is capitalism at its finest!
Kind of reminds me of when I sold that beanie baby for $125. Suckers!
AGTFOS! That brought back some excellent memories. Oh, to be a junior high school nerd with few worries except whether to play Snit's Revenge or Search for the Emperor's Treasure. I miss those days.
That would have been a splendid idea Gette, except for a few things:
1. Not everyone hears voices, like our pal Wil Wheaton.
2. Something like what happened in his story may be misconstrued and lack thereof may be perceived as breach of contract. IE, the purchaser may figure that since the Wesley Crusher character was never heard from after the whole Expanding His Mind episode, he may have somehow crossed over the alternate planes of existence and become trapped in this particular Wesley Crusher action figure. When this figure was finally found, years later by former portrayer Wil Wheaton, he had nearly forgotton the situation, and before he could remember it and illuminate said former portrayer, Wil cut him off and listed him on eBay.
3. The potential buyer may take the story as legitimate and feel it his obligation and cosmic duty to free the Wesley Crusher soul forever trapped in the sealed and signed Wesley Crusher action figure.
4. I mean, come on! Wasn't that YOUR first reaction??
Mmmm ....if there is someone REALLY ready to pay so much money for that toy I think this "someone" is up to a voodoo affair...be careful ! :-)
I Want a bobble tit doll of Jolene Blalock.. I would never stop playing with.. it!!
Hey I saw the season finale of enterprise last night.. good stuff. GREAT ending.. almost as good as Picard getting kidnapped..
It's at $285?
I wish I had that kind of money to burn, no offence Wil, but you're not THAT wonderful that I'd buy the thing...
how bout a bobble weeny of wil?
I'ld buy that for a dollar.
OOOOOh you should have taken the doll out of it's package on your webcam and make people cry.
NRFP (have you seen that episode of Dexter's Lab?)
Hmmm... I wonder if that bobble weenie would have a short production run.
The bobble weeny comes with a free magnifying glass and tweezers.
I don't know. Remember those kiddie porn pics from last week. I'm thinking good size run!
Cookie, I'm sure Wil would be chuffed to see you defending the size of his... run.
I love seeing Wil exercising his capitalistic tendencies, but have you seen this pseudo-spudnuts trying to make the ultimate profit on young Mr. Crusher?
Check it out.
Wil - maybe you could sign this $4000 likeness or something. Or at least take a picture of yourself fondling it.
I am sitting here at work, bored, going through WWDN (Wil With Drawl Now).... I need a new post... can barely type...hands shaking.... :0)
wow. that was funny. no really! I'm serious! I have a posse too so that's cool. I told my friends about your web site and they all started laughing and still went to the site. They said it was lame. I said they could all burn in hell. I think you're funny. my ex's name was wesley and I can't stand him. I wish I could put him on ebay. well I'll stop waisting your time by making you read this.
keep up the good work and tell the family we love them.
POST WITHDRAWAL YES!!!
WIL MUST POST NEW SUBJECT NOW!!!!!
All of these Jessie's around here could really get confusing....
All of these Jessie's around here is going to get confusing.....I have to look at me email address to know who I am anymore...
Too many Jessie's makes for a confusing thread....I don't even know which one is me anymore...
damn sorry about that my computer is all farked up ***blushing idiot***
either that or all of my various personalities wanted it worded their way, im not sure which...too bad none of my alternate personas live in an action figure, i could get rich.
Hey Wil x x x
Im I the only one who doesnt want you to sell the doll?
Im sorry but Im one of those strong believers of throwing away things from ya past - that doll was a part of u man! U can never get that thing back now! Im so sad I keep everything but thats the way it should be!
Keep up with the good work wil! When u gonna write that book I told u about??? WE DEMAND A BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. And no Im not sore about not being able to afford the action figure! *quietly sobbin to myself* have u seen how much that things reached man - god your popular x x x x x
LMFAO. Mr. Wheaton, you're brilliant!
wil: i freak when i see my picture in the paper...i can only imagine the "twilight zone" moment it must have been to see a tiny plastic image of yourself after all these years...you gotta get rid of it wil...before it starts taking over your life!...one day you're a respected actor, standup comic, and worldwide blogger...and the next you're on qvc pitching your own cosmetic line...sell the damn thing now! d.burr
Hmmmm... I wonder how much I could get for my Stand By Me action figures. Whaddaya think? I should be able to get a lot for my River Phoenix doll.
Oh... and lets not forget the "Lard Ass" Pie Eating Playset with Projectile Vomit included.
Man, I'm gona be rich!!!
Wil talking to his action figure is hilarous. =D
I should've found this site sooner, Wil's humor is unbelievably funny, which sort of scares me, since I used to watch TNG and never noticed Wes crack a joke.
Oh yeah, and Wes was a cool character, way underrated. *wonders why so many people disliked him. Damns the writers.*
Despite the fact this sounds geeky, I can't wait for Wil's next post. It reads like a journal, except it's funny and not full of angsty crap that I'm forced to wade through everyday.
Yay! Go Wil and his sense of humor! Hurrah for talking action figures that are going for 300+ dollars right now!
Mmmm.... rich SJG goodness. I always found I could never stop playing Globbo though...
Mmmm.... rich SJG goodness. I always found I could never stop playing Globbo though...
I think our dear Mr. Wheaton is somewhere lost in space, haha. Don't go toward the light......come back to us.... oh I guess that was just my senseless lame attempt at humor, what can I say, and no Wheaton, haha.
that picture on ebay brings back memories of toys 'r' us and some rather complex storylines invovling TNG characters, polly pockets (you do the math for the size factor), and sometimes (under duress, i'd like to believe) barbies... ah to be ten again. one thing about the star trek characters, which i never considered "action figures" probably because of my lack of a y chromosome, is that even now they don't seem like exploitation or commercialization to me. they are, but when i was a kid it was all about imagination and appreciation of the show, and i still can't look at them as money-makers for big corporations.
so wtf are you all doing bidding hundreds of dollars on the damn thing?! ;)
Somebody PLEASE call me when that baby goes on ebay!!
That is by far the funniest thing I've EVER read!
anybody care to start the bidding?
not that i do, i mean...
hey wil you're just avoiding a new post to see if you can set a record for number of comments, aren't you? aren't you?!
Wow!!! $305.00 bucks on ebay I better get a job.
Hmmmm.... no updates..... Wil went to E3 didn't he?
Heh. I think someone other than Jane is sick and twisted.
Going after the Awful Green Things, eh? Bonus points for knowing who Captain Yid is, and why he's such a stud. :)
$305! but only 192 comments! C'mon, we've got 7 hours before the auction closes: let's see if we can get to 305 comments before then...
Oh, and I just saw the weather map on http://www.linksummary.com/
Thirty.nine.degrees in Wil's part of the world. I don't think it's *ever* been that hot here. I am very jealous.
Well, that's two to get us going. And this one makes three. Only another 110 comments to go.
Look out for Asia Carrera if you go to E3. She's a gamer, didya know that?
Actually...the last post you did might be a movie she would be interested in....
It's over $300! I want that figure! *weep*
Holy shitballs slummin on the Flickerstick Van.
I can't go and prepare for the biggest geek weekend in Central Ohio without checkn' in with Uncle Willy.
I don't think I'll be able to keep a straight face all weekend specially if I go past a Wesely Doll in the Dealer's Room.
If you're in the area come check out MARCON
At the Hyatt Regency/Convention Center in Downtown Columbus, OH.
And I'll be the one playing Changeling as a Fae Jedi Padawan or hanging at my Cosplay- event booth (near Registration).
Woops.. need to go- my Jango Fett pez guy is asking for more Beam.
Spudnuts- wish you were here for I have 3 words for ya:
Charity Slave Action
Yes, the real wil is at E3.
Can someone please tell me what the hell that is??
I'm thinking I slept through another meeting!
$305. So, its the excitement of Wil's personalized autograph, right? Because I bought this same figure and some store that doesn't exist anymore for about 7 bucks. Ok, if I had the money I admit I would pay as much (or more) for a personalized autograph from Wil Wheaton. Unfortunately, the organization I borrowed from to buy my car & that other organization I borrowed from to go to college each expect some money from me in the next few days.
Google and ye shall find.....
Even better here is the site directly...
Wow, Wil leaves for a couple of days, and it's Lord of the Flies all over again...
Not that I mind, of course, mind you.
Only 97 more comments to go before we reach 305. But hurry, the e-Bay auction ends in less than 2 hours! I know we can do it :~)
So some people have some extra free time.
I've been at E3 all week, and I'll be there all day today, also.
I had to do some massive cleaning up here...please don't make me do it again.
E3 report coming later tonight or over the weekend.
Forgive me Uhuh uhuh I think I am suffering from wilwheatondotnetlackofnewpost syndrome. Not rare judging from the amount of people here commenting on this post.
B1ATCH: Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most talented of them all.
Wil: It's me!
Jonas: Excuse me, its actually me
Charlie: really well I think it's me
Robert Todd Lincoln: I am sorry but you will
find that it is actually I
Bennett Hoenicker: WTF you know its me!
Danny Sugerman: ME and you better believe it
Marco: Yeah it's me baby.
Scottie: Me I think.
Lazarus: Me, Me!
Jack: I hope it's me
David Reynolds: Is it me?
Joseph Joey Trotta: I hope it's me too =)
Kipp Gibbs: Do you think it could be me?
Nick: I think my dad is crazy
Billy: oh if only it could be me.
Harry Houdini:Talent is just an illussion.
Zachary Hayes: well what can I say LMFAO
Mitch: Yeah Zach you suck more than Wesley.
Gordie Lachance: no its me! You cheap dime store hood
Tim: ok you guys are talented but I rock
Jeff Radcliffe: I tell you it's me.
Martin: I know who it is and I aint telling.
Amos Cotter: ok it's you just don't shoot.
Donald Branch: I miss my mommy
Mirror: Who gives a fuck get me out of here!
New post please *quivers incessantly* pretty please 8-*. Me need it. I really need it. badly, please, oh! please Uncle Willy hehehe.
She gets it
What I don't understand now is why the number of comments went down.
Hey, Wil - isn't there some clever way of showing comments that really ARE by you, to stop naughty evil people from taking on your persona?
I'm sure there's someone out there who knows.
The comments went down because uncle Willy blew the fake "wil" messages away. And yes, there should be a way to stop fraudulent "wil" postings by making the name field reject "wil" as a name unless the real "wil" posts it. Until then the real "wil" will delete imposter "wil" postings when he sees them and probably do it "wil-lfully."
So - question for the real wil - how was Bioware's Neverwinter Nights booth? Waiting to hear all about E3.
$305 dollars. Un-farking-believable. Wil, you should sell signed hair clippings! You could make a forture, but then again, some of it may end up in ulikely places, causing DNA testing and lawsuits, etc. Maybe not a good idea after all.
I don't know NickW do you think there is?
It would be great if you could let me know when you find out.
take care mayte. Innit!
*tee hee* I'll ask my brother. He knows all about computers and stuff.
Thanks mate! I used my real email add this time, just so you can really email me.
Nice to see someone else from England who has good taste.
nice one Nick!
I must say that - because I responded to the fake Wil post - I am disappointed that MY post was deleted... and I put so much thought and wit into it... as always.
Where did the comments after the 24th go?
Someone beamed them up!
Cool website! I just found out that you're a geocacher too. Just wondering if you would tell me your user name, or is it a secret? --mudda
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