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« Bird | Main | Tribute to The Great Bird »

July 16, 2002

Epitaph

Spudnuts is a familiar name to the regular WWDN reader.

He makes me, and everyone else, laugh and think, and laugh some more.

He also types in this form.

That.

Is.

Very.

Unique.

Well. I recently read something he wrote, and asked him if I could post it here, because I thought it was really cool.

Quoth Spudnuts:


I have this thing for cemeteries. Always have. I'm not morbid or goth or anything. They usually are just scenic, empty, and verdant.

But I always notice the generic script that accompanies even the most flamboyant tombstone. It makes no sense. Surely, there must have been some cut-ups, clowns, subversives, eccentrics, mavericks, firebrands, freakshows, or just someone who wants MORE on their grave than...

"Died in Troutdale."

What is so fucking sacred about a tombstone that you can't be shocked or amused when you happen upon the burial site of some HUMAN?

Jesus.

It's like being interred at the Christian Science Reading Room, laundry mat, or DMV.

So...

INSTITUTIONAL and sterile.

Then...

Who knows?

Maybe only the boring ones actually get a gravestone. All the interesting ones had their ashes scattered from a hangglider over Euro Disney.

Two years ago, I wrote down about fifty variations I would like on my tombstone. Here are a couple of the better ones...

-- Caucasian. Gamer. Hermaphrodite.
-- He was better than you
-- It's fucking dark in here
-- Buried with a big sack of emeralds. No, really.
-- Secret agent
-- He owned a television
-- He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way
-- RIP BFD
-- He went straight to Hell
-- Feeds upon the blood of the Irving
-- He is in space now
-- Deposit urine here
-- He neglected his colon
-- Yet another dead guy
-- He was full of shit

Posted by wil at July 16, 2002 11:12 AM
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» He's dead, Jim from The Long Letter
Hey Kid! Yeah, you! Steal this tombstone and hide it in your room to impress your friends! [Read More]

Tracked on July 8, 2003 05:54 PM

» He's dead, Jim from The Long Letter
Hey Kid! Yeah, you! Steal this tombstone and hide it in your room to impress your friends! [Read More]

Tracked on July 8, 2003 05:54 PM
Comments

I don't think I can argue a word of that... NOTHING is so sacred that it can't be taken with a bit of humor. And if it is, there's probably something wrong with it.

Posted by: Clay at July 16, 2002 11:24 AM

how about:
"Made you look"

Posted by: tj at July 16, 2002 11:29 AM

How can you take a guy with potato balls seriously??

HA HA

Posted by: Rich at July 16, 2002 11:32 AM

Thanks Wil and Spudnuts. I needed a good laugh today.

Posted by: Sarcastic Cheese at July 16, 2002 11:35 AM

Remember Night of the Living Dead?

Posted by: ze-mag at July 16, 2002 11:39 AM

I used to work at a cemetery, digging graves. And they are some of the most beautiful pieces of land around. So many flowers,trees,statues,and very quiet. you look around at all the headstones and realize someday you'll be there too. everything is neatly trimmed and the grass so green. It's like a park. cemeteries are beautiful and kind of freaky also.

Posted by: j at July 16, 2002 11:43 AM

"game over, man"

Posted by: courtney at July 16, 2002 11:44 AM

"Check, please."

Posted by: Snark at July 16, 2002 11:52 AM

When I first saw the title of today's entry, I thought someone had died. Then I read a little further and you were talking about Spudnuts! Arrrgh! Don't do that to people!

*breathe*
*breathe*

Spudnuts is okay... and still funny. Phew.

Posted by: Mandy at July 16, 2002 11:54 AM

In Richmond Virginia at Hollywood Cemetery there is a tombstone which reads..."I told you that my foot was killing me" Which is just so funny. Than there is this Civil War soldier who kept marrying his cousins. He was married four times. All of which was documented on his grave slab.

Posted by: Artisticspirit at July 16, 2002 11:59 AM

yawp.

Posted by: Spudnuts at July 16, 2002 12:03 PM

I was always partial to this inscription on a tombstone:

"Hey Kid! Yeah, you! Steal this tombstone and hide it in your room to impress your friends!"

Posted by: Dale S. at July 16, 2002 12:03 PM

To truly appreciate Spudnuts,
you gotta go to Bobby the Mat's
site and hear the spoken word of the masters posts.
Is that okay Wil?

Posted by: Moulderx1 at July 16, 2002 12:07 PM

How about...

"Ask me about Herbalife!"

Posted by: Spudnuts at July 16, 2002 12:11 PM

I dunno Spuds, I think "Died in Troutdale," is pretty fucking hilarious... I mean, how sad do you have to be to be buried there??

Posted by: Dake at July 16, 2002 12:13 PM

I love the "Ask Me About Herbalife!

These are all great. We should see more like these on headstones. Why does death have to be such a morbid and serious thing??

how about "I MET WIL WHEATON" I kinda like that one :D or "I was part of Wils posse"

Lisa Marie

Posted by: Lisa Marie at July 16, 2002 12:18 PM

Death? Morbid? Serious?
It all sounds alittle to final for my taste when you put it like that.

Posted by: Moulderx1 at July 16, 2002 12:22 PM

I love ya, Spudnuts. You're always making me laugh. And thanks, Wil, for posting it. I'm having a really terrible day, and this really helps out.

Posted by: Pmacca01 at July 16, 2002 12:27 PM

November 2nd is 'Plan Your Epitaph Day'

From the web site:

Dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death. You too can be in a league with --

William Shakespeare:
"...Curst be he that moves my bones."

and W.C. Fields:
"On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

http://www.hardiehouse.org/epitaph/planhome.html

Posted by: Jack at July 16, 2002 12:28 PM

From something I wrote once...

This lived I've loved, it's known no equal...
But I guarantee there'll be no sequel...

Posted by: Potch at July 16, 2002 12:42 PM

"Here lies David St. Hubbins. And why not?"

Posted by: hippiewitch at July 16, 2002 12:44 PM

"Still Dead."

Posted by: darla8855 at July 16, 2002 12:52 PM

"I liked pork"

Posted by: Lisa Marie at July 16, 2002 12:52 PM


Ahh, yes... Death. Speaking of dead people, I was just thinking about the late Peter Cushing, star of many, many films, including Top Secret!, which, incidentally, was released on DVD today in widescreen format! That's right! Top Secret! is now available on DVD! The greatest non-Wheaton movie ever made! Top Secret! Buy it now! Relive your favorite scenes, over and over, in breathtaking widescreen format! Top Secret!

;)


Posted by: Jinkeez at July 16, 2002 12:52 PM

"Did we have sex? If so, was it good? Id like to be remembered for that"

Posted by: Lisa Marie at July 16, 2002 12:54 PM

"My child is an honor student at Glendale Elementary"

Posted by: courtney at July 16, 2002 12:57 PM

"Sorry, I'm not in at the moment... I've actually been scattered over the ocean... please leave your flowers to rot or be stolen, and no one will be getting back to you. Thanks, and have a great day!"

Posted by: dake at July 16, 2002 01:00 PM

"..too many word's...not enough time."

THAT is WHAT it will say on MR.Nuts tombstone!

(or he wanted pepperoni!)

Posted by: bluecat/redblanket at July 16, 2002 01:01 PM

"I was killed by your honor student."

Posted by: Jinkster at July 16, 2002 01:07 PM

Fantablous.
That was funny, and yet, also true.

Posted by: angry penguin at July 16, 2002 01:10 PM

"It was the Salmon Mousse!"

For those who enjoyed the Meaning of Life, another great non Wil movie.

Posted by: Greg at July 16, 2002 01:28 PM

Wil,

Thanks for another great laugh for the day it was going pretty bad until then. Here is one "If the diet would have worked I wouldn't be here".
anyway going for now also enjoyed your last post but no air conditioning must be a rough one. Until your next post.

Matt.

Posted by: Matt at July 16, 2002 01:33 PM

LONG LIVE SPUDNUTS!

For a life without Spudnuts, is not a life at all.

"Ask me about Herbalife!"

I was rolling man, truly rolling... Good times...

And for the person who also initially thought Spudnuts was gone, I was right there with you. Way too scary to think about though.

Bobby the Mat, I hope you tackle this one next.

Back to lurkin,

Headra

Posted by: Headra at July 16, 2002 01:41 PM

My ideal tombstone:

5' high slab of black marble, 1:4:9. Blank, except for one thing: in 12pt gold lettering, slightly off centre and not quite level, the single word "Bugger."

With the inverted commas and the full stop.

To be erected precisely two-thirds of the way up Ben Nevis. And then bury me at sea.

Posted by: Dave at July 16, 2002 01:48 PM

How about...

"Don't worry, it's just a flesh wound."
or
"This parrot's not dead!"

hey, did anyone else realize it's Corey Feldman's Birthday...?

Posted by: Jenna at July 16, 2002 01:55 PM

How about:
"This is a Government Conspiracy."

Posted by: Samantha Lee at July 16, 2002 01:55 PM

The best one I ever heard of, and the one I want on mine is: "We always warned her one of her childish tricks would backfire."

Posted by: Janis at July 16, 2002 01:55 PM

"What truck?

Posted by: Jeice Guyver at July 16, 2002 02:02 PM

One of my all time faves is
" I Told You I was Sick!!!!" ;P

Posted by: Andie-Gypsy_girl at July 16, 2002 02:10 PM


"They Gov. told me it wasnt contagious"

"They told me they had a cure"

Stop looking at me!

I can see your underwear.

Trust me, don't die with an itch.

By the time you finish reading this, there will be less of me.

"I ate too many shaq packs"

Posted by: Lisa Marie at July 16, 2002 02:31 PM

I'm going to use one of those epitaphs. No joke. I'm just having trouble deciding which one to use, LOL.

Posted by: The Bob Talbot at July 16, 2002 02:37 PM

"Keep laughing. Someone will be reading yours next Tuesday."

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an I."

"Mikey wasn't the only one who liked it."

"Yeah, I'm dead, but you're still ugly."

"You're standing on my unit."

and...

"I'm not really dead, I'm just tired of all you silly fucks."

Posted by: dwyerdawn at July 16, 2002 02:40 PM

Last words of some corporal in the Civil War: "Don't worry, there's no possible way they can hit us at this dist---"

That would be good on a tombstone.

A green moldy tombstone with letters too big to fit on it.

Actually, in truth, my response is this: "Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever."

Posted by: Da Schmiz at July 16, 2002 02:48 PM

isn't that a Sandman quote?

Posted by: Jinkster at July 16, 2002 02:50 PM

"Feeds upon the blood of the Irving"!?!?!! Oh, my god! Not Irving!

I don't get it. Shouldn't that be, "Feeds upon the blood of the living"? I'm missing something, aren't I?

Posted by: ttrentham at July 16, 2002 02:57 PM

*groan*

No, Jinkster, that's a Will Riker quote. ;)

Posted by: uss_sillyprise at July 16, 2002 03:16 PM

Oh, you are KIDDING me. I'm so not worthy these days :) But it sounds just like Hob... anyway, thanks for the smack. Maybe I should start watching tv again...

Posted by: Jinkster at July 16, 2002 03:21 PM

"Told you I'd live forever or die trying."

Of course, there's the old standby: "I drank what?"

Or "Y'all watch this."

I want two stones, side-by-side, touching. On the bigger stone it says, "He never did plan ahe", and on the second stone, "ad."

Bitch about the A/C. They tell us we don't need A/C in Crestline. Great, it's 102 outside and 98 inside. Thanks guys.

Posted by: Timmy! at July 16, 2002 03:49 PM

"Died tragically while saving his family from a destroyed sinking Battleship."

Taken from Royal Tenenbaums btw

Posted by: Red Weasel at July 16, 2002 03:58 PM

how many trekkers are gonna have "s/he's dead, jim" on their tombstone? i'm surprised that nobody has posted that here yet!

Posted by: davidjay at July 16, 2002 04:05 PM

Beautiful.

You know, I can't read Spudnuts anymore without Rob's voice in my head!

Posted by: quetzal at July 16, 2002 04:06 PM

HAAAA!! This post is funny and I love the other ideas people here are coming up with! Thanks, everyone. My day was sad and I needed to smile. :)

Posted by: Angelwwolf at July 16, 2002 04:21 PM

[unfunny stupid spur-of-the-moment phrase=1] The old standby would be, "Death is Mother Nature's way of telling you to slow down." Mine'll read, "As soon as I talk to Death, you're next." [\unfunny stupid spur-of-the-moment phrase]

Posted by: The Silent Strider at July 16, 2002 04:37 PM

"Dont look at me like that, it could be worse I could be dea.... awww crap"

Posted by: EnglishBen at July 16, 2002 04:38 PM

my tombstone.....

"ummmm, someone call a backhoe! I'm not really dead!!! HELP!!!!!!"

Oughta keem em goin' for awhile.

Posted by: Derf at July 16, 2002 04:59 PM

another of my faves:

"i told you he was trying to kill me"

Posted by: kaye at July 16, 2002 05:15 PM

how about....now this is from an old commercial if you remember it.

"THAT WASNT PACE PICANTE SAUCE"

Posted by: Lisa Marie at July 16, 2002 05:27 PM

hey it's not just the tombstones...the whole death industry is just nuts!...dead bodies embalmed, perfectly preserved, dressed, complete with makeup!...the ultimate case of all dressed up with no place to go!...like a hundred years from now there's gonna be some kind of beauty pageant for corpses...and after what they've done excavating the native american burial grounds, you just know they'll dig us all up later and put in a new subdivision!...and we'll have no choice but to get our revenge as marauding poltergeist! save time, save money...it's shake and bake for me...and dump my ashes in the nearest significant body of water...d.burr

Posted by: d. burr at July 16, 2002 05:42 PM

Here's what mine would probably say....

"I'm still not dead yet.... I'm getting better."

Posted by: SpiderWebb at July 16, 2002 05:50 PM

you obviously haven't seen six feet under --
death is straight up HBO-sexy these days

Posted by: kaye at July 16, 2002 05:50 PM

--His friends jumped off a cliff.
--These worms tickle!
--He thought he was going to be cryogenically frozen.
--I dare you to say my name three times.

Posted by: joel at July 16, 2002 06:30 PM

favorite epitaph
"The cat is on the roof"

Posted by: Christopher-Jaison at July 16, 2002 07:46 PM

"Here lies Larry New, living proof of man's mortality."

Or maybe something simple, no birth and death dates, just my name and pager number.

Posted by: Larry at July 16, 2002 07:49 PM

"look out behind you"

"your message here ... call 1-800..."

"Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaagggh"

"they really mean it when they say 'don't touch that'"


Posted by: tj at July 16, 2002 08:31 PM

ok ok ok i know ive posted like A MILLION TIMES....but i was sitting here and i thought of the best one....


GUESS WHAT MOVIE THIS IS FROM? HAHAHAHAH


"You guys wanna go see a dead body?"

Thats whats going on mine..........after my FAV. MOVIE & SOUNDTRACK OF ALL TIME :)

Lisa Marie

Posted by: Lisa Marie at July 16, 2002 08:33 PM

In response to the Pace Picante Sauce epitaph...

"NEW YORK CITY?!"

Posted by: Courtney at July 16, 2002 09:12 PM

"Still alive and kicking in a parallel universe"

Posted by: Fred Fowler at July 16, 2002 09:42 PM

"I see dead people. Do you?"

I know its kind of stolen, but I thought it was kind of funny. And I know, enough with the kind of's.

Posted by: Melissa at July 16, 2002 10:16 PM

Being an AD&D fan I think that they should be represented here as well.

-- I punch the demon.

--Come on guys, I have 99% magic resistance! I'll center the fireball on myself. What could -possibly- go wrong?

--What what that *ka-chunk* sound when you unlocked the door?

--I'm positive, there are no TRAPS in the room.

--Stupid Wight.

Onto other things.
I know when I die, I want things to be fun. I'm going to have a video at my will reading that will likley crack everyone up...well, that's the plan anyways, if they don't laugh, it'll be their own fault.

I'm not sure what my epithaph would say...maybe "What would you like your epitaph to say?"
eh. still thinking..but it'll be fun...mark my words, twain.

Posted by: UnsleepingFiend at July 16, 2002 10:25 PM

here's mine, if that day should every come up...

"He went were, way to many have gone before"


more later...

Posted by: wade art at July 16, 2002 10:53 PM

Curse you all! I'm laughing so hard right now, I'm crying!

And now for something completely different; my additions to the list:
-(Stolen from a Simpsons Halloween Special) Lose weight now! Ask me how!
-Stick around. I'm not goin' anywhere for a while.
-I told you I was feelin' kinda dead.
-No solicitors.
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. I'm non-living proof.
-If you owed me money, I plan on haunting you.
-If I owed you money, you can pry it from my cold, dead hand.

Thank you! I'm here til Thursday!

Posted by: Radiofreewill at July 16, 2002 11:00 PM

How about a rhyme, Spud?

'Here lies Fred, now he's dead.'
'This is some guts, it used to be spud's'
'Here lies Spudnut all alone, very slender, nothing but bone.'

Or

and this is one of my favorites,
translated from dutch

"this dead guy here is very lame, he went before he came'
Or do you think that's stupid? I dont' know.

Posted by: me at July 17, 2002 12:07 AM

I must admit, there are many great comments found
here..

I'm Dead Jim. being 1 of the best...

how about?,

been there, done that.

Posted by: wade art at July 17, 2002 12:07 AM

Mine would be "I apologised to Lord Vader"
Or "Who switched the light off?"

Posted by: Annie at July 17, 2002 12:13 AM

I came up with:

"Dont look so sad , Ill see you in no time "

Posted by: lonestar at July 17, 2002 12:34 AM

Spike Milligan (the late British comedian) has "I told you I was sick" on his gravestone.
That's class.

Posted by: mit at July 17, 2002 01:07 AM

"Not you.

Not yet."

Posted by: nope at July 17, 2002 02:02 AM

I'm planning on being cremated, packed into fireworks, and shot over the ocean. I feel the need to go out with a bang.

Posted by: Dee at July 17, 2002 02:10 AM

stolen from d.burr... "all dressed up and no place to go"

Dee, I like your idea. I wonder if we can convince anyone to actualy do that. Fireworks by Grucci presents: "The Goddess" (ooh's and aah's from the crowd)

Posted by: the goddess at July 17, 2002 02:18 AM

..uhh.."nice" ideas. I dreamt once that i dead! it was...incredibal. I was so calm, and sad becouse I left my family...! But I don't afraid to die now!!:)) (just the pian)

Posted by: Agi at July 17, 2002 02:49 AM


"Living is over-rated, try it from this side"

"I found this Epitaph on WWDN"

migster

Posted by: miggy at July 17, 2002 03:20 AM

Personally, my favorite has always been the one that's supposedly on Benjamin Franklin's tombstone. I don't honestly know if it really says this, but the idea of it makes me giggle.

"Here lies worm food."

Posted by: Shelly at July 17, 2002 05:26 AM

I ate you.

Posted by: yoyofool at July 17, 2002 05:39 AM

"Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they AREN'T out to get you..."

"I guess you CAN have too much chocolate!"

"Listen to your mother when she says 'put on clean underwear before leaving the house'"

"Could somebody feed my cat?"

Posted by: tj at July 17, 2002 06:29 AM

In all seriousness...mine will probably say


SHE SMILED! :)

Posted by: Mr. Sneaky Sneaky at July 17, 2002 06:55 AM

My Sister-in-law didn't go for an epitaph, but she had the Federation emblem lasered in color onto my brother's headstone. He would have loved it. Of course, the eulogy given by the minister was bizarre. not knowing my brother other than that he was a huge Trek fan, and that Spock was his favorite character, and that my brother did NOT want a sermon, he ended up bringing up moral messages from Trek and then saying that Jesus was a trekkie too based on those principles. (he just had to sneak that in) It was funny as hell, and I think my brother was laughing about it somewhere. We sure were.

Posted by: sapphire at July 17, 2002 06:55 AM

"He had the Right-of-Way"

Posted by: Ken at July 17, 2002 07:15 AM

LOL! There's nothing like a few dozen zany epitaphs to start the day off right. If none of the above work for you, you may find inspiration in http://www.tapetrade.net/The_Ballad_of_Verna_and_Barry.mp3 , which was ad-libbed by a warped but musically gifted friend of mine.

A bag of Jelly Babies goes to the first person to guess the background music track!

Posted by: Nancy at July 17, 2002 07:22 AM

In regards to "The Ballad of Verna and Barry":
I apologize in advance for any spiritual, emotional, physical, neurological, osteopathic, obstetrical, or matriarchal damage the listener suffers. At the very least, it will certainly make you want to die...so you might not have time to generate an epitaph.

Posted by: Gray at July 17, 2002 07:47 AM

Hahaha I found "He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way" kind of funny. :)

Posted by: Chelsey at July 17, 2002 08:22 AM

More rpging last words (hmm... should start a thread...)

"So, you Amazons are lesbians?"

"Thank God we got away from those vampires... what's all this mist in here?"

*player passes note to GM* "God, we're screwed now."

... that's it for now.

I love you, Spudnuts.

Posted by: redhaiku at July 17, 2002 08:34 AM

i like the oldie but goodie....

it wasn't the cough that carried me off it was the coffin they carried me off in!

but thats not too funny....Spikes' my favourite...

how about - i said cut the red wire - one for bdu...

or - guess what i left you nothing.....nothing!! haha.

or - i screwed your sister....

sorry getting a bit sick now.. long day at work!

xx a xx

Posted by: andi at July 17, 2002 10:02 AM

To quote Red Dwarf:
"It's party time for all the little worms!"

Posted by: testcase at July 17, 2002 10:04 AM

Some gaming variations that actually happened(7th Sea, In Nomine, Call of Cthulhu)

- Theres only one of them. How tough can it be?
- So, your Cain, huh? As in Cain and Abel? Your a pussy.
- Just chuck both of them in the circle! It won't make any differance to the ritual!
- Are you a cultist?
- Hey there big boy, fancy a shag? Whats your name, Neil Otep? (nyarlathotep)
- thats a mighty fine pole you have there.
- "I charge the army of Deep Ones"
- "Who needs sanity points? Ive got a shotgun!"
- Dont mind me, im just here to steal this here relic.
-Don't be silly, sea serpents are myths.
- Hes just wearing that sword for show.

Heres my favorite. I'd have this on my grave.
"Oh shit. I left the gas on."

Posted by: fluffy at July 17, 2002 10:17 AM

"Can't say I didn't enjoy it"

or

"She hated Scrappy-Doo"

But I am not being buried. I am being cremated and I want my ashes thrown at people I did not like.

Posted by: Laura at July 17, 2002 10:31 AM

SPudnutz is one funny gentleman.

How about

--Died for our sins.
--Died dead dude.
--thank god I don't have to see you all anymore
--If I didn't die now I would have killed myself anyway
--Life sucks and so do I
--Osama Shot me
--Death becomes me

As I sit here at work bored off my ass. I think of my Spudz and fondle myself under the table.

Posted by: hops at July 17, 2002 10:42 AM

One other one...

"Oy!!!!! Wussy ass dragon!!!!!!"

Posted by: redhaiku at July 17, 2002 10:51 AM

I should have taken the blue pill ...

Posted by: J3M at July 17, 2002 11:12 AM

Call Before Digging: 1-800-DIG-SAFE

Posted by: jbay at July 17, 2002 11:27 AM

Here's what I think I want:

Brian Hart: "He loved irony and hated speling errors."

Posted by: Brian at July 17, 2002 11:27 AM

Spudnuts rocks my world.

Thanks to all of you. I needed the laugh today.

Posted by: sandra at July 17, 2002 11:53 AM

[delurk]My current favorite epitaph is on my best friend's grave. She was a classy, hippie goddess (but the stupid funeral home STILL insisted on dolling her up in makeup! YUCK!). She has a marble bench with a labyrinth carved into the top of it. The front of the bench has her name and dates, along with "To Be Continued...." I love that lady.[/lurk]

Posted by: Kim at July 17, 2002 12:05 PM

I stole this from a friend


"I don't decompose on your lawn, please don't walk on my grave"

This is the same friend who wants to have it written into his will that any time his wife hears him reffered to as 'the late Mr. Smith' she has to say "He's not late, he's just not coming" and when people say they are sorry to hear her husband died she's supposed to say "why, did you kill him?"

Posted by: Jazmin at July 17, 2002 12:07 PM

I just thought of this one:

"hey, you ever feel that cold chill when you're in the shower???... that's me!... nice rack."

Posted by: DrNudi at July 17, 2002 12:20 PM

"Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever."

Knew that was a Riker quote 2 seconds before I read on to confirm it.
Gods.. I think that kills any deniability of trying to cover the fact that I watched way too much TNG during my 12-14 years of life. I should prolly burn that companion book too and promptly go buy more stuff for my guitar.
Thankfully I've filled my head up with enough rock n' roll to forget which episode that comes from.

As for my epitaph... for down the line.

"Alas this lass never drank enough Bourbon.
Drink up and be merry with the blessing of the Goddess forever!"

It's either that or one of my favorite Irish blessings-

"May all your children be born naked"

"May you be in Paradise a half an hour before any demons know your dead!"

Sorry a weekend with 50 irish New Yorkers drinking constantly has me buzzin' Irish.

-MKF
Got Spudnuts?

Posted by: MissKittyFantastico at July 17, 2002 12:29 PM

I'd like the following. A gravestone that says "GAME OVER" with a little insert of the same matching rock mounted on it with a spring. Like a button you could push that says "RESET".

:D

Posted by: Linnhe at July 17, 2002 12:30 PM

Here are my options:

1) Be burried with a tombstone that reads one of the following:
-- Ooops!
-- Yer standing on my balls!
-- Well... this sucks.
-- I'm bored.
-- Honk if you love Jesus.
-- I'd like to thank my HMO.
-- I've changed my mind.
-- Grrrrrr.
-- Your ass makes that dress look small
-- www.wilwheaton.net


or


2) Be cremated and

a) put into the coffee makers of my least favorite people.

b) be scattered in the wind to become a cinder in someon's eye.

Posted by: Brian Bock at July 17, 2002 12:32 PM

That was very funny!

I love this one:"It's fucking dark in here"

Posted by: Brandon at July 17, 2002 12:51 PM

Well, it's like this: tombstones aren't there for your amusement. And they're not there for the deceased. They're for the bereft -- you know, those people who will visit the grave year after year and solemnly/joyfully/tearfully contemplate the life of their deceased love one, as well as their own mortality. The bereft are rarely in the mood to be witty and clever so that some cemetery loiterer can get his jollies for a few minutes.

If you want pithy cleverisms, scan the car bumpers at your local parking lot.

Posted by: ToastedAmigo at July 17, 2002 12:54 PM

Amigo, I hope my bereft "get it" as much as I do.

Folks, the thing is, the best you can hope to do is affect about 500 years of bystanders, but 490 of those years aren't going to be about today's popular culture. So when you compose, do avoid epitaphs that require an understanding of the latest Mtn. Dew commercials.

Posted by: Undertoad at July 17, 2002 01:11 PM

"Forty-two."

Posted by: Chewie at July 17, 2002 01:26 PM

If ya wanna mess with the future historians...

"My Mother was a Test-Tube, My Father was a Knife"

Or, this is funny....

"All your base are belong to us."

Posted by: Ken at July 17, 2002 02:05 PM

"See, I TOLD you I was sick."

Posted by: Ken at July 17, 2002 02:20 PM

This one is TOO easy! So many good ones, but I'll just post two. "I plan to live forever, and I'm doing good so far -- oh damnit!" "Do me a favor and listen for a pounding noise."

Posted by: MacManKrisK at July 17, 2002 02:42 PM

Coming here to see me? This makes you feel better?
So where were you when I was alive? Oh right, You need
some money. Oh, look at the time! How time fllies
when you're having fun. You know, I still get a headache every time
you come over.

Posted by: f1d0 at July 17, 2002 03:23 PM

Coming here to see me? This makes you feel better?
So where were you when I was alive? Oh right, You need
some money. Oh, look at the time! How time fllies
when you're having fun. You know, I still get a headache every time
you come over.

Posted by: f1d0 at July 17, 2002 03:25 PM

I once saw this gravestone saying:

"Our father was a hypochondriac. But this time he was right"

Whoa!

Bye, Helene

Posted by: Helene at July 17, 2002 03:35 PM

Wil, and everyone,

ok another one I came up with is " I should have known she was married" just had to add it.

Later,
Matt.

Posted by: Matt at July 17, 2002 03:43 PM

Great Ideas.

How 'bout:

* The brochure said I'd get my own whole damn pyramid!

* Here lies Joe Smith:
~ your ad here ~

* Yeah? Wait until you hear about *my* day.

* Go do something fun - I'm not going anywhere

* Guess how high the watertable is?

* Okay, next time I'll get a proffesional to install the new stove!

* That was quick.

* I like heaven - there's no conservatives!

* STOP IT! Now your making ME feel sad!

* Don't try the fish.

* ...and I'm still hungover

* Next time I'll drive!

* 3 wars and a Navy Seal snipper for 30 years - and I die on the crapper!

Posted by: bark at July 17, 2002 03:49 PM

As one who hangs out in cemeteries, looking for celebrity graves, I had to laugh at this. The best one out there is, "Go Away - I'm Asleep" on Joan Hackett's grave. We have also found funny names, like Shady Lane (no joke, I have a pic).

Posted by: Karen at July 17, 2002 04:12 PM

My favourite tombstone is this one:

HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
4 SLUGS FROM A .44
NO LES, NO MORE

Posted by: Jamie McGregor at July 17, 2002 04:39 PM

Speaking of Johnny Cash...

"They live by a six-gun,
By a six-gun they die."

Posted by: emmajane at July 17, 2002 05:50 PM

That threeway offer still standing, Spudnuts?

"This stuff'll kill you."

Posted by: KJB at July 17, 2002 06:04 PM

A giant obituary in the paper caught my eye the other day. After "years of bitter depression", a local psychiatrist committed suicide. The obit said he was hung himself, and was "eventually found in the basement." Kind of unusual to include that little detail in there -- usually they just put something vague like "passed away peacefully". I was thinking it might be more interesting to put specifics in the obits... if my only near-brush with death had ended badly, my obit might have read:

"She choked on chocolate."

It would be nice to think that my death could temporarily entertain complete strangers.

Posted by: MockTurtle at July 17, 2002 07:04 PM

Hi all,
I have to say that some people are just not funny. Spudnuts had some of the best ones.
Thanks for the feel good moment.

Posted by: JEA at July 17, 2002 07:39 PM

I want a button that says "click here" on mine.

Posted by: RussoGraffix at July 17, 2002 08:34 PM

NEEDS MORE POTATO

Posted by: Nuclear Toast at July 17, 2002 10:05 PM

Two homosexual necrophiliacs walking thru the cemetary at nite...

One sez to the other - "Hey, wanna suck down a few cold ones?"

Let the flaming begin!! :D

Posted by: Chicago Doppelganger at July 17, 2002 10:21 PM

"I Poke Badgers With Spoons."

Posted by: Amanda at July 17, 2002 10:54 PM

"He found Bakula's package too impressive."

Posted by: KJB at July 17, 2002 11:28 PM

Christopher-Jaison said: "The cat's on the roof."

Capricorn One, right?

Hey, how about:

Spudnuts.
Died during a threeway.
Regrets nothing.

Posted by: Rob Matsushita at July 18, 2002 12:06 AM

Word.

Posted by: KJB at July 18, 2002 12:28 AM

"Veteran of two wars
Father of nine children
Drowned in the Caspian Sea"

Any guesses?

Posted by: Spudnuts at July 18, 2002 12:56 AM

Mr. Onassis?

Failing that, I'm all for a teleportation of that Aussie PM who got washed away in the surf in the south of his country.

I don't know.

Posted by: KJB at July 18, 2002 01:12 AM

Dying Words:
"Hey Guys, Watch This!"

Posted by: Scott at July 18, 2002 01:53 AM

Odysseus ?

fictional...I know, but thought it was worth a try!

Posted by: tanyak at July 18, 2002 03:30 AM

would continue with a brilliantly witty one liner but won't to save embarassment later. :P

"loved."

Posted by: rach at July 18, 2002 04:03 AM

My favourite potential epitaph was one suggested by Billy Connelly (the Scottish comedian).

In minute writing on the stone (so that you'd have to peer up realy close to read it) would be...

*You're standing on my balls*

Posted by: Kouros at July 18, 2002 05:30 AM

"i told you so."

Posted by: richelle at July 18, 2002 06:09 AM

"Your standing on a land mine. See you soon."
"" (Taken from a SomethingAwful.com Photoshop)
"Hell has AOL."
"Hell is AOL."
"Sure is lonely now those accountants left."
"Necropheliacs: The guy next to me isn't burried as deep."
"Died waiting for Diakatana 2."
"Wench!"
"I died before going bald, happy."
"I shot JKF!"
" :( "

Posted by: actor_au at July 18, 2002 06:41 AM

http://news.com.com/2100-1023-944555.html?tag=fd_top

I found this today.. goes back to what we were talking about the other day the whole TIPS affair..

Posted by: hops at July 18, 2002 07:21 AM

Read about half of the comments, so pardons if this has been said, but:

"I told you I was sick"

Posted by: Baldy at July 18, 2002 08:06 AM

Just when you thought "Your ad here" was a joke... http://www.guardian.co.uk/computergames/story/0,11500,667942,00.html

Posted by: Timmy! at July 18, 2002 08:29 AM

I saw one the other day on a memorial for a young man that I thought was rather sweet:

"He finished early."

Posted by: Jinkster at July 18, 2002 08:35 AM

I think my epitaph should say "There's no candy in the afterlife--bring your own!"

Posted by: Robyn at July 18, 2002 09:02 AM

I've also come up with some:

"Fooled ya!"
"If I hadn't died, you wouldn't be here."
"Oops, too late!"
"Don't you have anything better to do right now?"
"Are you dead? No? Then what are you doing here?"
"He died the way he lived. Totally unprepared."
"The user is currently not available. You can leave a message."
"I'm with stupid. --->" (pointing to the tombstone next to mine)
"[insert text here]"
"Burried vertically."
"Would somebody update my weblog?"
"Don't feed the dead."

Posted by: Sebastian Nebel at July 18, 2002 11:28 AM

Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten states that he's planning his epitaph and last words to be:
"I should have spent more time at the office."


But, wow... such great suggestions I may opt to take up valuable real-estate with my body instead of cremation :)

Posted by: spyderqueen at July 18, 2002 11:48 AM

Tiny chisel.

"If you can read this, I will haunt you"

Posted by: arseblogger at July 18, 2002 12:26 PM

"told you that duck was vicious"

Posted by: kristin at July 18, 2002 02:26 PM

"This tombstone is an advertising supported service.

Please click 'here' to view the epitaph"

Posted by: arseblogger at July 18, 2002 03:27 PM

Spike Milligan was even cooler than that- get this: "We are saddened by the recent passing of one of the worlds bright lights, Spike Milligan. His gravestone is to read: I told you I was ill! He wanted to be buried in a washing machine - to confuse archaeologists…
I liked 'It's fucking dark in here' :D if I wanted to do a more positive one, I would use simply "Whee" or just :)

Posted by: Chris Johnson at July 18, 2002 07:29 PM

What is with all the death around your site?

Posted by: Brian at July 18, 2002 07:52 PM

- Professional Jackass.
- Where am I again?
- Spoon!
- Small hands, smelled like cabbage.
- Lost in Space.
- France sucks.
- Cheated the system.

Posted by: Paul at July 18, 2002 08:25 PM

I like cemeteries, too. They're very peaceful, and it's interesting to see what people have written. One that stuck out in my mind for some reason said, "Gone Fishin'"

While I'm more for the scatter-my-ashes-here, here, and here school of thought... if I had to have some sort of epitaph, I suppose it would read something like, "Woo-Hoo!"

Posted by: kendoka at July 18, 2002 09:24 PM

"I told you I was sick."

Posted by: CarolP at July 19, 2002 01:04 AM

"404."

Posted by: Andrew at July 19, 2002 01:04 AM

I gotta stop comin' back here! The most recent additions had me laughing until I got the hiccups!

A couple more from me to you:

-Whoever you are, I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations. I'm also sorry I didn't live
-Error 666: Didn't quite make it to Heaven
-Don't worry Mom; at least I'm not in jail
-I can't believe I ate the whole thing

Hey Amanda, shouldn't that be "I Poked Badgers With Spoons" (past tense)?

Posted by: Radiofreewill at July 19, 2002 01:13 AM

"Hey, stay! I'm hungry!"

Posted by: Agi at July 19, 2002 03:05 AM

"If you are close enough to read this, then get off! How about some respect for the dead, numbnuts?"

"Shows at 8 and 10 Nightly"

"I'm going to haunt your house!"

"I'd still rather be me than Pauley Shore"

Posted by: Zeno at July 19, 2002 07:20 AM

"Move along; nothing to see here."

Although I'll probably go for some words of encouragement, such as "This could be you tomorrow, so live while you can!"

Posted by: Kvan at July 19, 2002 03:02 PM

Billy Connelly has the best idea for a tombstone. At the back will be a speaker and on the tombstone will be extremely small writing so when people walk forward onto the grave to see what is written they will step on a pressure point which will set the speaker off and Billy's voice will shout out, 'Oi, get off, your standing on my balls', classic.

Posted by: Chris at July 20, 2002 07:29 AM

I desire to be buried under one of the following epitaphs:

* </LIFE>
* The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated
* You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
* CONGRATULATIONS! You may already be Dead! (see back for details) and a whole bunch of legalese on the obverse
* I'm busy this week, how's next Thursday for you?

Posted by: dosquatch at July 20, 2002 08:47 AM

My god...those are hilarious! I like the "He was funny in an annoying sort of way." Your a funny guy Spudnuts.

Posted by: Kaitlin at July 20, 2002 11:00 AM

The funniest damn tombstone I ever saw was in Tampa. It had the dude's name and birthdate and "Murdered by the U.S. Army."

Funnier still, there was no date of death listed.
Yup. I'd say this guy was pretty pissed off about something.

Posted by: FloridaFirecracker13 at July 21, 2002 08:13 AM

"worms crawl in the worms crawl out."

Posted by: bluecat-redblanket at July 21, 2002 11:50 AM

"Klatu! Vertatu!....mmrrmmbleATU! There, I said the freakin words!"

Posted by: UnsleepingFiend at July 21, 2002 10:40 PM

How about:

- I *still* don't like doctors.
- Why did I bother?
- Of all the things I've lost, it's my life I miss the most.
- At least I don't get spam.
- Crunchy frog?
- Terminally bored.
- Someone got res?
- I came, I saw, I did a little hacking.
- Data expired in transit.
- I was hoping for an encore.
- And I wanted a Viking funeral.
- I didn't want to go to heaven with a headache.
- Still Waiting for Ghod.
- I'd rather be surfing.
- Cryogenics doesn't work.
- I thought it was funny.

Posted by: Dunks at July 22, 2002 06:02 AM

- Please, I like to be referred to as the chicken "lover".
- Look! No hands!
- TTL exceeded
- Wish you were here
- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors: [email protected]
- Lose weight! Ask me how!

Posted by: Greg at July 22, 2002 12:40 PM

Here lies Jim Bob "Bubba" McGwinn
Cherished husband, father and friend
We should've known there was something amiss
When Bubba called, "Hey, fellers! Watch this!"

Posted by: dosquatch at July 22, 2002 01:25 PM

"Hey, get off of my grave! You're killing me here! Geez, I can't breathe!"

Posted by: dake at July 22, 2002 05:31 PM

Okay okay, stop I'm busting a gut here....
Wait have to add mine, how about something simple,

'ROTFLMAO'

Sorry had to add my two cents, What do you expect for 2 cent??

Spudnuts, your a charator! Look what you started!
I'm still chuckling at some of those, to to funny!

later!

Posted by: tye at July 22, 2002 05:32 PM

~~ "Brains ... Braainns"

~~ "I'm standing behind you"

Posted by: orbitsville at July 23, 2002 12:23 PM

remember

Posted by: d. burr at July 24, 2002 05:18 PM

There is a gravestone nearby here that says "Not Dead, Only Sleeping." Freaky as anything to walk past after a marathon of zombie movies, but it's kind of cool.

Posted by: Ash at July 24, 2002 05:58 PM

Burried here beneath this clay
Lies gardener John Arbothnaut Jay
Now in his simpeternal home
A constant source of hight grade loam

Posted by: randyrat at July 24, 2002 08:51 PM

Mine:
mailto: deadguy18885.heaven.org

Posted by: Jim M at July 26, 2002 11:42 AM

Oops! It should read:
[email protected]

I really embarrassed myself to death this time.

Posted by: Jim M at July 26, 2002 11:46 AM

"Pull My Finger"
"Who's Wil Wheaton?"
"Hey, gotta light?"

Posted by: BoneHead at October 30, 2002 12:43 AM

There is a gravestone, in some graveyard on some island in the Florida keys that I saw on Australian tv last year. Simply put it had the name of the deceased, the appropiate dates, and then the writing underneath, 'TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!' I laughed for 3 days straight. At least one old guy had a sence of humour.

Posted by: Karina at April 22, 2003 01:48 PM

gotta gravestone for ya

"here lies a fucker(only one, he left his chicks at home). One word for him:ambition. Oh yea another one, ni

Posted by: Intelligence at May 6, 2003 01:27 PM

neeoueoxgys erqoo.

Posted by: Ellen at October 23, 2004 04:16 AM

6660 Great posts.

Posted by: direct tv at December 2, 2004 10:15 PM
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