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November 15, 2003
too hip
I am pitching material at ACME in about two hours. If the director likes my sketches, I'll make the show, and be able to give up the comedy to the threes of WWdN readers who can make it to a show once it opens.
Only problem is, I'm so focused on Just A Geek and a couple other side projects right now, my brain is about as far from "sketch comedy writing mode" as it can be.
I don't want to miss another show, so I sat down at my iBook this morning, and forced myself to write something . . . anything . . . that may be mildly amusing.
I was recalling this time when I was 16, and my parents took me shopping for my first car. I was on TNG at the time, so I was lucky enough to afford pretty much whatever I wanted, and my heart was set on the Honda Prelude si 4WS. My parents wanted to make sure that I shopped around, though, so they made me look around at lots of different places.
Of course, I was a huge fucking brat, and I went along, but I was totally sullen and lame the whole time. In retrospect, they could have taught me a valuable lesson if they'd just told me, "You're being a shit, so no car for you, Mr. Smart Guy. Try again in a few months."
Anyway . . .
We were out in Glendora at some Chevy dealership, where the oldest, most decrepit salesman in history tried to convince me that the Barretta was the ultimate in sportscar technology.
I thought it was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen, and I just wanted to leave, but I politely listened while he told me, "Oh, it's a real head-turner. Lots of girls will look at you when you're driving this . . . that is, if they can see you!" He paused dramatically, leaned close to me, and said, sotto voce, "Don't tell your parents, but this baby has got a lot of zip!"
I managed to not explode into laughter by biting down on my lip and just solemny nodding my head.
"Would you like to sit in it?" he asked, directing the question more to my parents than to me.
I most certainly did not, but I politely agreed anyway, and he moved to open the door.
It was locked. Again, I bit down on my lip and clenched my hands into fists to retain my composure. This time I drew blood.
He reeked of scotch and cheap cigarettes and wore a three piece, brown polyester suit with a pale blue shirt and dark blue tie. He looked desperate as he searched his pockets for the absent key.
"I'll be right back with the key," he said.
He started to go back to the building that apparently held the keys, but I swear to god, he shuffled. He walked so slowly, it took him nearly a full minute to go about 50 feet.
As soon as he was inside, I turned to my parents.
"What do you think, Willow?" My mom said.
"I think it has a lot of zip," I deadpaned.
Then I exploded into laughter, and told them what he said.
"I'd really just like to leave," I said, and I could see my dad begin to nod his head, when the salesman appeared in the doorway. Another painfully long minute later, he was back.
With the wrong key.
"Oh, nuts," he said, "I must have gotten the key for the Cavalier." He looked at me hopefully. That walk had taken a lot out of him.
"Well, I don't know, sir," I said. "Does it have as much zip as the Baretta?"
He sighed. "Nothing has as much zip as the Baretta," he said, and turned to go.
"That's okay," my dad said, "We'll come back after dinner."
We shook hands and politely took his business cards before we left.
I spent the longest time today trying to convert that memory into a humorous sketch, but I just couldn't make it work. So I did a mental command:
[/wil/brain/]$ vim really.great.sketch.idea &
[/wil/brain/]$ konqueror occupy.the.conscious.mind.html
While my background process churned away, I ended up looking and laughing out loud at Hipster Bingo. An idea sprung, fully formed, into my head, and I wrote a sketch called "Hip Replacement."
Here's a tiny bit:
Jerry: Are you constantly denied access to hip Hollywood night clubs because you're too "suburban"? Are you called names like "frado," "fin," and "chipper?" Do you get "the fridigaire" when you try to get into a "deck" club?If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you need my new video series, "Too Hip for the Room."
Hi! I'm Jerry Avon, Harvard MBA, former WB network executive, and lifestyle coach. My video series "Too Hip for the Room," is your ticket out of Encino, and into Silverlake! It's easy to master the secrets of being a Hipster, and I'll show you how.
Tape One starts out with Basic Hipster, where you're introduced to fundamental Hipster concepts like "the ironic laugh," and "calculated disinterest." You'll learn how to utilize passive aggressive posturing: when it's deck to declare a deck band passe, and maximizing the sigh. You'll add words like "clothesline," "bronson," "sexpack" and "kale" to your hipster vocabulary.
With our proven techniques, you'll be able to secretly enjoy the concert you're attending, while making sure all your hipster buddies know you totally don't want to be there. After 30 short minutes, you'll know exactly when to proclaim your activity "tired," and "busted," for maximum hipster effectiveness.
I don't know if it will make the show, and I quite honestly expect it to be "The First Pancake" idea, but it surprised me and made me laugh when I wrote it . . . and as a bonus, I found this silly "How Hip Are You" quiz while I was looking up hipster lingo online. You can see my score by clicking "more."
You're Geek Chic. Offbeat and with a thumbful of
calluses, you spend most of your time catching
Simpsons reruns and sucking down raspberry
Jell-O. However, you're still a hipster,
you've still got your own style, and you
probably dig the Velvet Underground's "Who
Loves the Sun?"
What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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In one of the more amusing Quizilla quizes (and the questions were just as interesting, if a little narrow-minded, as the results) I was able to find out how hip I am. Here are the results: You are the Low-Fidelity... [Read More]
You're right Wil; that's a tough one to work so that it would be humerous... in fact, it sounds more like the beginning to a Stephen King novel... Maybe the old salesman guy ends up telling the 16yo bratty kid a story about how he's got the shine or something... or, in this case, the whine... Heh!
Posted by: Jim_66 at November 15, 2003 04:52 PMI was so glad to have a car when i was able to drive(17 in jersey!) so i was able to get a 4 cylinder mitsubishi mirage. It putted along and was in good order. But when the tranny went kaput, i was able to purchase the car with a lot of zip! Let me tell you, going from the mirage to the berretta made me feel like i had the fastest vehicle in the state. I thought it was so cool that i could spin the tires, simply by flooring it. Party!
Posted by: Taso at November 15, 2003 05:46 PMI am the Consummate hipster! "Newbies bow to you, everyone else just stares, as you swagger down the street with "Little Green Bag" stuck in your head." Look out!
Posted by: Sarah at November 15, 2003 05:46 PMI couldn't imagine trying to be funny. I just can't crank it out unless it's spontaneous, or I'm making fun of someone. ;o)
Cool test ... I'm a "Low-Fidelity All Star".
I just got my first car 2 months ago (I'm 21). 1986 Pontiac 6000ste. These things must have been hot shit when it came out; it has so many features ... that don't work anymore. :oP
Best of luck with the writing/ACME thingie.
Posted by: Reena at November 15, 2003 05:49 PMMy first car was a black 1990 Prelude SI, man I loved that thing, what a great zippy little car. I got a good deal on a used one but I later learned mine wasn't the 4WS version.. Ahh well, someday I'll have my sports car with 4 wheel steering! How cool a feature is that? I'm a sucker for little gadgetty features like that. GMC is actually putting 4WS on their new trucks, so maybe it'll make a comeback!
Did you ever manage to get your hands on one Wil?
Good luck with your comedy sketches!
Posted by: Jayonas at November 15, 2003 06:43 PMActually, I think the comedy would have come if you would have let this guy take you on a test drive. (But one could argue that being stuck with a drunk in a brown polyester suit while driving a Baretta is a more of a tragedy.)
Posted by: msscribe at November 15, 2003 07:09 PM I think the hipster thing would be even funnier if it were a real product, and actually for sale, and have people not be sure if you are just mocking them. I haven't seen the um xray specs infomercial, but it could include digs at that, sort of giving the impression that you'll have a new product every month, like that mega-everything kevin guy. Perhaps you could delegate this task to your army of monkeys, open source ronco. Whether you sell 3 or 3000, it's just funnier that way, to me.
Along those lines, if you care to say, the first db printing was 2000, but i'm unclear on whether the 2nd and 3rd were also for 2000, or you scaled up.
p.s. and you could hold auditions for has-been celebrity guest cohosts, like, say, rick berman.
Posted by: arbitrary aardvark at November 15, 2003 08:30 PMYou coulda had a Barretta? You fool.
Lo-Fidelity All Star! Cool!
Posted by: Placebo Effect at November 15, 2003 09:37 PMI went to the Quizilla hipster page. Out of all the clothing choices in the first question, absolutely none of them came close to describing my clothes, even the male version of my clothes. In other words, I am too out-of-date to even make the "loser" ranking on the hipster quiz! This reminds me of Dave Barry's comment about belief held by him and his baby-boomer friends that they were eternally With It when, in actuality, "the light leaving from It will not reach us for several years."
Posted by: Angelique at November 15, 2003 09:59 PMYou Know You're a Geek ... when you take a hipness quiz and get the same exact results as Wil Wheaton.
Posted by: Sean O'Hara at November 15, 2003 11:05 PMSomehow, I got the "consummate hipster" Go figure.
I also agree with the earlier comment that humor is only easy when it's spontaneous.
The car my husband owned when we met was a Beretta. Whatta lemon! It might have had a bit of "zip," but every feature that might have redeemed the car's coolness quotient broke down. Eventually, we were driving the 401 superhighway (in Ontario) with the sunroom duct-taped down to the roof, plus the "power" windows in danger of falling back into the door at 100 km/hr. in sub-zero temperatures. We were later told by several people that most Berettas were owned by trophy wives. Your parents should have listened to you about the Honda in the first place (even if you were a brat about it)!
Posted by: Jenneil at November 16, 2003 01:52 AMYou're lucky you got a new car for your first vehicle.
My 1st car was an old 1983 Chevy Malibu Classic with 80,000 miles on it.
Fortunately, the car did last about 10 years & I had a lot of good times in that car.
I love the title (Hip Replacement) of the Sketch. I can almost imagine it in informercial form. Of course it couldn't be any worse than those late night weird sly commercials about male anatomy enlargement.
Posted by: retroRandy at November 16, 2003 02:34 AMI got my first car in 1980 at the age of 16. It was a 1963 Rambler Classic station wagon. No seat belts, no air bags, but the thing was built like a tank. One day I backed it out of the driveway and the transmission gave out. Then I got to drive my dads 1973 Mustang fastback. I begged him to sell it to me, but no dice. So, one day a 1973 Mustang Mach 1 came up for sale when I was 17. I bought that car. Numerous paint jobs, interior restorations, engine builds, transmission builds, ect., I still have it. It stays in the garage now. I'm 40 now, so I've had it for 23 years...
Posted by: Howlin' Allan Koeberlin at November 16, 2003 04:39 AMHope you made the show, Wil. That hipster bit has alot of potential, and the little bit you posted is pretty funny.
And honestly, I wouldn't buy a Chevy anything, even if my very existance on this plain of reality depended on it. Chevys scream "Hey, I'm a hillbilly! I still have Dale Earnhardt stickers on my car windows even though he's been dead for two years. I feed my hunting dog better than I feed my kids. And for my money, Wynona Judd is WAY sexier than Brittany Spears any day..."
Not the kind of image I'd like to portray...
Posted by: Eric at November 16, 2003 07:00 AMMy first car was a '78 Chevy Nova. I thought that the fact I got it for $300 was the coolest thing in the world. The thing had some amount of balls if you really got it going but I never actually said that to any of my friends. At the time, being without a licencse, insurance and the fact that the car was not even in my name made me nervous to drive it. I finally decided to rid myself of the beast after it broke down on the highway when the brakes wished for death. They cursed my name with their last meaningful squeek. All in all, it was the best car I ever owned.
Posted by: Chad Hicks at November 16, 2003 07:29 AMhey wil, hope you managed to make the show!! Those bits did have a lot of potential!! good luck!
I also did the test and came out a Lo-Fidelity All Star, which i think was pretty fitting to me!! ha ha
well, good luck again dude.....
rach
xxx
Wil,
I am not hip enough to take that quiz. Good luck on that comedy wrighting. It must be really hard to come up with something funny in that short period of time. You are now a pro and will get the job done.
FG
Don't forget ironic trucker hats and ironic mustaches.. gah.
Also, ACME better like it because I am one of the threes of readers who can actually come watch it! Go team me!
Posted by: Kat at November 16, 2003 09:53 AMHeh. I have a bit about ironic trucker hats, ironic puffy ski vests, and ironic 70s mustaches.
The sketch made it "on the list," which means that the director thinks it's got enough potential to be shown to a real audience, and get some attention beyond yesterday's workshop!
It's not 100% for sure, yet, but it's the first step toward me making the show.
Huzzah!
Posted by: wil at November 16, 2003 11:29 AMThe only reason I don;'t think it's funny is I don't understand a word you're saying.
I think the only people that would find it funny are the type of person you're making fun of!
And they'd only find it funny in an "ironic" sort of way.
When I first read your post, I thought you said you were online searching for hipster BINGO. I mean I've searched for some pretty obscure/useless stuff in my life (the Small Wonder episode guide, for example) but hipster bingo - WTF? Don't worry, all is clear to me now.
Hey, I'm still drving a Beretta. 1993 2 door coupe with a V6 engine. Color: Quasar blue metallic.
Congrats on the skit making it past the first step.
Posted by: loretta652 at November 16, 2003 11:57 AMI would write a comment, but I'm too disenfranchised to care.
where's my espresso macchiato?
Posted by: gogoetzem at November 16, 2003 12:16 PMwtf wil? apparently i am the LOW-FIDELITY ALL-STAR HIPSTER! that's right my hipster friends, i was born with all-natural cool. hmm... notsosure i remember feeling this way about 4 1/2 hours ago. but it's still good to know that there are some radically impartial judges out there...
rawk on. who's your commander-in-chief? go on! tell me! who!?
-S
ps: i once dated a guy who drove a baretta... hott (with a double "t")
Ha! I think that Chevy dealership was where I bought my Camaro IROC!
I had always wanted a Camaro and saved my bucks for years. (Paper routes, birthday and Christmas money, working a fast food place, cashing in cans...whatever I could do for money.) On the morning of my 18th birthday, I walked in and said, "I want this car."
The sales dude was like, "It's a nice car. Expensive, though. Why don't you come back with your parents and maybe we can make a deal." He walks away from me.
My parents!? He's walking away! WTF is up with this dude?
I pulled my driver's license out of one pocket to prove I was legal, a huge wad of cash out of the other, and slammed both down on a table.
"I want this car," I said loudly to nobody in particular. "I will pay this much, not a penny more. You have five minutes to decide. Take it or leave it."
Sales people started tripping over each other to get to me. Then the B.S. over closing the deal commenced.
They tried their little "well this is extra" speech. I collected my money, put it in my pocket, and said, "Later, man."
"Wait! Where are you going?" the sales guy asked.
"Somewhere else," I said. "It's a take it or leave it deal. I told you what I will pay and now you are trying to screw me over."
To shorten this story a bit, I got the car and a couple of extras due to the "initial misunderstanding" we had.
And by the way, I still drive it to this day.
Posted by: Edward Spencer at November 16, 2003 03:35 PMNo offense but I didn't get it :( I'm no expert on the subject but I know that for comedy to work best it should appeal to the widest audience possible. Inside jokes or esoteric comedy might be great for those who "get it", but it will fly over the heads of those who don't know what you are talking about. Not everyone lives in L.A., is familiar with snobby art galleries or frequents posh nightclubs on a regular basis - and unless your audience is specifically targeted to those individuals you might have issues with people not "getting it".
Posted by: Michael at November 16, 2003 03:41 PMYeah, those quizillas take up a lot of my time. They go around a lot on the LiveJournal scene.
i'm SO geek chic too.
except I took it first...
you totally RAWK!!
I got a picture of this skit in my head as being about the slooooow shuffling of the guy's feet. What if the car salesman just took agonizing minutes of stage time to walk off stage? The boy and his parents just watch. When the salesman comes back (with the wrong key, natch), the boy's grown up, married, with kids. Salesman has to slooooowly turn around, go back...hmmm, seemed funnier in my head.
Posted by: Uncle Mike at November 16, 2003 04:38 PMDonatello totally is the best Ninja Turtle.
No Question.
Posted by: Jeffery Borchert at November 16, 2003 05:06 PMI've never had a car, never wanted a car, (I'm 21) and now I'm moving to China, so, alls well that ends well :)
My hipster rating? Well...I am the...Consummate Hipster
(and even though I haven't read dostoevsky, neither have I picked up one of his books from Barnes and Noble, however, now that I think about it I should...I've read lots of huge 1000+ page books before...Shogun, Gai-Jin, LOTR, The Stand...)
Posted by: TDC at November 16, 2003 07:07 PMyou were better off without a barretta....they grow up to shoot their......ahhh nevermind.....
Posted by: rusty at November 16, 2003 08:01 PMHey, Wil, it's been done! Well, it's been done on vinyl back when hipsters were real hipsters..
"How To Speak Hip" by Del Close and Brent Sharp.
It's on CD these days. Worth getting
But if you do a Google search, you can find the MP3s on one or two public websites.
Posted by: Chris Tucker at November 16, 2003 09:12 PMI scored exactly the same as you.
Just think....I could've been Wesley Crusher, ooh
Posted by: Slorge Gridlock at November 17, 2003 05:27 AMGotta speak up in defense of my beloved Beretta! Believe it or not, but my Beretta seems to have a lot of get-up-and-go for a 4-cylinder. Great gas mileage, too. There are even online fan clubs for the Chevy Beretta. Check out:
http://www.berettastuff.com
http://www.berettaxtreme.com
Oh, and those relatively new Chevy Cavaliers that are all over the road today? Take a good, hard look at 'em. That's Beretta 2.0, brother.
Posted by: Spekkio at November 17, 2003 06:15 AMLove the quiz...I'm the fashionable badass: like Spike Speigel, Resevior Dogs, or Doc Holliday! That's about right. Too funny. Gots to get me the skinny ties though....
Posted by: justo at November 17, 2003 07:08 AMYou are the Consummate Hipster. Newbies bow to you, everyone else just stares, as you swagger down the street with "Little GreenBag" stuck in your head.
http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/C/cowgirlbebop319/1050050314_hipsterconsummate2.jpg
Posted by: chris at November 17, 2003 07:27 AMHey I'm a fashionable badass! Who knew?
Did the car salesman ever utter the ultimte whiny car-salesman, you're stealing food from my kids mouth line? think: "awww...come on Wesley...give ol' Gil a break..."
:)
Posted by: Michelle at November 17, 2003 09:38 AMSounds like you need to pull out your compy 386 and try wilwheaton_sketchcomedyroutine_reallyfunnythistime.exe
Posted by: Adam at November 17, 2003 09:48 AMmaybe its funny to the west coast hollywood actor crowd... but I dont get it at all.
Posted by: modurn at November 17, 2003 11:16 AMAbout the salesman, I thought you were going to say he pulled a bait and switch.. Salesman: Hmm, I grabbed the wrong key, but the key I have just so happens to work for a very nice brand new camero Since the car is close by, want to check it out instead??
Guess when he went back to the office to read up on "Dummies guide to selling cars to suckers" he skipped that part. Should have grabbed the camero key
So....all things aside, what'd you end up getting?
Posted by: Rhonda at November 17, 2003 07:02 PMI ended up getting the Prelude. There's a really funny story about that involving me and Patrick Stewart. I think I'll blog that tomorrow.
Posted by: wil at November 17, 2003 09:25 PMDude I was laughing at the car story. I like the way you write. You're smooth. I remember buying my first car and although it wasn't quite like that it was definately an experience. The old car salesman. I was thinking of Jack Lemon in Glengary Glen Ross. But older.
Later Wil.
Jeff
Posted by: Jeff at November 18, 2003 12:13 AMIt's funny that I have nothing in common with you culturally except that I was a bit of a Star Trek fan in my teens and yet I come to your blog every now and then to see what you are up to.
(I am a 25 year old single Korean woman, brought up in the Middle East & Europe, currently working as a equities broker in Seoul after a 2 year stint in London)
Perhaps peeking into someone else's life is a fetish-like hobby I have developed....But I'd rather think your pleasant nature and sincere attitude as well as great sense of humor is what makes you so endearing to your readers.
Your blog entries are both heart-warming and humorous at the same time.
Thank you!
I just checked out a book from the library called FIELD GUIDE TO TODAYS URBAN HIPSTER. (Or something along those lines...) I have to agree with some of the other readers, I don't think that the sketch has real comedy power...maybe a chuckle or two, but the type of thing that would make me change the channel if it was on snl. I do think that you are hilarious though, and I love your web site.
Aaron
Posted by: Aaron Mellman at November 18, 2003 06:49 AMI also highly recommend "How to Speak Hip". I've heard it before, and it's hilarious. I didn't know it was re-released on CD, I am so there. :)
It's more poking fun at the beat culture of the 50's, but it does a spectacular job.
Posted by: JamGrrl at November 18, 2003 01:06 PMHeh. Glendora.
Posted by: Megan at November 18, 2003 11:15 PMI too got the "geek chic" grade. But I attribute it to one of two things. Either they are too nice to tell the honest truth, or they just plain forgot to include the following category: "Geek Wannabe: Any allegations that you are hip are wholly and completely without merit, and your high Slashdot karma only proves it. I saw your picture in the wikipedia under 'Out of Touch'. Everyone knows you are uncool and you probably do too. Stop posting on the internet and go do something productive.
Posted by: phriedom at November 20, 2003 01:28 PMWil -- I made that hipster quiz, and found out via a google search that you, yes YOU, Wes Crusher, took it. My friends and I are all huge TNG fans. We are humbled. Thank you.
Posted by: Ashley at July 29, 2004 03:23 PMIf you dont know the history of a beretta or anything bout it, dont immediately judge by its appearance. Berettas were originally meant to replace the camaro, they had many models rdy for building that could "zip"(as you and your silly salesman like to put it). Only thing that stopped the production of the beretta after 1996 was the side impact laws, which it failed horribly and would have cost too much to redesign and fix. Is the car slow because it looks ugly to you, no. There are many models out there such as the GTU, Indy, GTZ, GT and base. The GTZ is the quickest of all the berettas that came out to the public. Now, I bought my first and second car. So when i see someone getting so darn picky when their parents are paying for it and not them, i just have to laugh at the kid.
Posted by: berettaguy94 at August 1, 2004 08:43 PMDude, I would've went with the "Baretta". I have a GTZ (duh) and it's by far the fastest thing in my driveway. I got it up to 122mph and JUST shifted from 4th gear the fifth. Which means I had another 2500RPMS to go. that enough "zip" for ya? I'm sorry, I don't mean to start a fight or anything on here, but really. You would've been better off with the Beretta. Better on gas and don't Preludes take premium only? Mine says premium recomended but runs just fine on plus (I have the HO Quad 4 5-speed) and I'm pretty sure all other run on regular. But go ahead, buy a Prelude...you'll only be embarrassing yourself when you don't have enough money to buy anything other than gas and food...
Posted by: berettaGTZowner at August 1, 2004 09:11 PM| Read |
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