hey wil! thats great! i don't like valentines day personally, i think it is a load of corporate crap! but anyway, i guess we all like to be romantic sometimes, but whats wrong with everyday?

anyway...rant over!

i love your writing wil, it cracks me up!

take care
rach

I was born in La Crescenta, and am only a few years older than you, so your writing often has special resonance for me anyways, so I wasn't surprised that I found this to be a terrific piece. You are a wonderful writer. I would love a whole "growing up in LA/La Crescenta" book from you some day. Would it find a larger audience? Why not? I read books and novels about other people's lives all the time, so why wouldn't your wonderful stories and writing work? Just a thought, er, wish. In between all the other projects, writing, acting, living-life whole thing, of course...

"..once a year blowjob..???

You only get a blowjob once a year?

Valentine's Day can bite my shiny metal ass.

"...if we fail to read the tea leaves correctly, we end up spending the evening alone in the bedroom with ESPN Classics while she watches Lifetime in the living room"

yyyeeeeaaaaahhhhhh, color me the only woman in America who would rather watch ESPN Classic than just about anything ever aired on Lifetime. btw, tonite....the Duke/Carolina game from last Thursday!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!! instant classic BABY!!!!!

Good stuff Wil. I sent it to my Mom, and she said it reminded her of past Valentine's days. That kind of creeped me out.

You get a blowjob once a year?!?!

lucky bastard >:(

Women are evil... sometimes I am ashamed to be one. This time of year is one of those times... then I just get angry at the chicks who ruin it for us! :P

"...while she watches Lifetime in the living room and talks on the phone with her bitter single friend who hates us."

Holy crap! Do you know my wife??

Women are evil. I agree with ya Wil

I love my partner, June, with all my heart, but I don't need to be told when to show my feelings. But if you don't show your feelings on Valentines Day, it's like you're a misfit or something.

It's not that I have anything against Valentines Day as such, it's just that the card shops are swamped with red and it's like you can't find anything original. There are only so many ways that you can put a red heart on a card.

fantastic!
read the whole thing, and can only conclude that we've been living parallel lives...

best valentines piece of writing i've ever come across..

your work is never short of amazing dude.
:)

Wil, that was great. It really brought me back to Valentine's Days past....

One of the comments for the article reads: "Thank goodness I'm married to a guy who also dislikes V.D. as much as I do. What a #$%# holiday!" Well, I should hope you dislike V.D., dahling! Man, that comment cracked me up. :)

Excellent piece, Wil. Funny and personal with just the right dash of snark.

I don't know anyone who likes V-Day. I'm happy to indulge my schmoopy romantic side with my husband any day of the year -- far as I'm concerned, this is just another Saturday, good for lazing around in bed, doing weekendy things, and then hanging out with our friends, with nary a chocolate, rose, or diamond in sight. :-)

well, unlike some people here, I wouldn't forward anything that mentioned two specific sex acts to my mother.

Read the whole thing at the cult site. Both amusing and sad.

See, you should have known better than to like any of the Cool Kids in the fifth grade. Should have just placed all your affections on comic book characters like sensible people.

I don't mind Valentine's day myself. I like giving my fiance presents, and his birthday is right near Christmas, so the rest of the year I can't use my amazing present skillz on him, so Valentine's Day is a good excuse for that.

The only Valentine's Days I've hated are the ones where people pulled "Secret Admirer" garbage. I want a mystery, I'll read a Poirot novel.

"But he tried to add one more block to the top of Marsha's Jenga Tower..." This needs a footnote: "I'm a professional writer; do not use these metaphors without OSHA training." :-)

My wife and I are pretty blase' about the whole thing. We've already had our "Hey, Valentine's Day is next week...are we doinging anything for each other?" conversation. We pretty much roll to disbelieve.

I HATE valentine's day! Thats about all I have to say about that.
Love your writing Wil! You always crack me up!

Ha!
True True True

Great snap-shot of the male perspective

Here's some REAL VD cards. Enjoy!

http://www.meish.org/vd/

Will, did you just reference the Dead Milkmen? I think you did! Awesome!

I say you can never go wrong with Jewlery the bigger the better. That sentiment brings me to the second thing I believe in about this holiday. A big plastic moving and shaking device...again the bigger the better.

--Michele

I'm a lucky guy. I've been married 13 yrs and we don't exchange anything other than a kiss and a hug. We're taking each other to the tattoo convention here (Calgary) in town this weekend.
Nothing says "I love you" like permanent art.

Keep the faith Wil.

Posted this at OEC, but I'll repost here too, sorry.

If you're looking for a song to give for V.D., try David LaMotte's "Stupid in Love," - it's a hillarious look at exactly what it feels like to be a geek in love written by a singer/songwriter who should get more cred than he does.

Anyhow, it's on iTunes and several others. His website (altho too late to order for V.D. delivery) is www.davidlamotte.com

Yes...the bitter friend. She hates us....haaaates us precious. Wicked, tricksy, false. Cruel nasty hag. She wants the precious, but we won't let her takes it from us.

Fuck Valentines day. Fuck it with authority. I have more respect for that bogus "Love Day" they came up with on The Simpsons. All it really is, is a sinister and evil cabal made up of Candy distributors, florists, and the antichrist of them all, Hallmark. I'd rather BE Bill Buckner in that game than live through another one of these "holidays"

No...I'm not bitter at all. Why do you ask? (sniff...sob)

Sean Wardwell

that is truth wil...i went over to the "cult of the one eyed cat" to see the rest of the entry...i commented in more detail there...so i'll be quiet here.

Valentines shmalentines!!!!

Hey folks,I'm sure you all have heard by now that Barbie and I are officially splitsville. Oh man,does that suck or what? And so close to Valentine's Day to boot! I had been suspecting something for sometime but thought nothing of it. I should have known better. Ever since Barbie started hanging out with those Bratz girls things were no longer the same. I'm a pretty conservative guy by nature(meaning I have no nuts as the whole world knows)and for the past 40 years so was she. But those Bratz bitches come along and start feeding her all this bull jive about "loosening up" and "shaking what her momma gave her". In short,they convinced her that she needed to move on-without me!
Sorry Wil,but from one toy to another Toy Soldier you know where I'm coming from. I don't mean to hog up all this space with my whining but who better than you to spill my guts to? I mean,fuck,we were known as Ken & Barbie!!! I am-was-a cultural icon! Now, I'm just this...aw,shit. I can't feel sorry for myself.But it hurts you know? I'll be having a few cold ones with G.I. Joe and a couple of the Masters Of The Universe guys tonight.Nothing like your best buds to be there for you. I always said that had I been anatomically correct Barbie would never leave me. I beleive that was the problem. I guess I'll look up Skipper.She always had a thing for me anyway. Thanks Wil for listening. We should hang out more often like we did back in the day. I never understood why you always kept me in your back pack when you were a kid.I remember you being fiercely protective of me in that back pack whenever other kids wanted to know what you had in it. I miss that. Anyway,great blog! And I'm still where you left me.Under your bed in your old room back home. Stop and visit sometime.

"once a year blow job"...

Once a year? Sweetie, you need a new girlfriend. Or a new boyfriend. Or both ;-)

whichever works for you.

Poor Wil!

hugs,
cat

:::ponders that Valentine's Day is oft abbreviated as VD:::

My dad used to say, after the divorce:

"Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em."

I'm gay, so I proved him wrong on both counts.

Wil,

I'd like to apologize for what I hope is the minority of my gender...the selfish women who pressure the men in their lives to "get it right" on Valentine's Day or be banished to ESPN! I wish you and Anne all the best. You're so lucky to have found each other! Being in love is not about February 14th, it's about every day you can spend knowing you love and are loved. The more people figure this out, the better!

Valentine's Day is just awful. Girlfriend or not, I've never liked it and never will.

I could go on and on about why I hate this "holiday" but everyone else had pretty much summed up my feelings. It basically comes down to, why should men be forced to buy gifts? I would rather have a guy buy me a gift becuase he wants to, not becuase he feels he has to and is reminded constantly to do so. Plus, I love how the media makes it seem like you should be depressed or something if you are single on that day

Oh well, Happy Single Awareness Day!

Try this (it's my technique for screwing with people's V.D.)

I take my wife and two kids to a classy resturaunt and tell the kids to go nuts. They're both very young, and when encouraged quite loud and rambunctious (sp?) Although they know how to behave in classy resturaunts, dad (and mom, to be fair) have given the okay to act like they're at Chucky Cheese.

Inevitably, someone trying to impress his/her V.D companion will come up and (very politely) ask us to reign in the kids. It's the wife who answers:

"This is your future - get used to it"

.....................

"You can't live with 'em - you can't live without 'em
There's something irresitable-ish about 'em
It made a monkey out of old King Kong
I hope that something better comes along."

-Ralph and Kermit

I've never been happier that I play for the home team than I am right now.

Your story made me cry. My friends and I have always despised Valentine's Day for reasons not unlike those in your story. Since we met, my husband and I have not celebrated Valentine's Day, and we rarely buy each other gifts or even a card.

Well, I would just like to say that when I was in 5th grade, I would have been thrilled to get a Valentine's Day card from you. I am so glad that you found a woman who feels that way about you every day!

It's even worse when you're gay - both of you have to figure out what to do for the other, and God help you if you forget. :)

Be glad you aren't Vulcan, Wil. Instead of once a year, it'd be once every *seven* years. :)

(BTW, folks, just because he wrote that in his *story*, doesn't mean *he* only gets one once a year. Wil shares an amazing amount of his life with us, but I doubt we get to hear reality about anything so intimate as this - which is as it should be.)

Happy Valentine's Day to both you and your lovely wife, Wil. May you have many, many more. :)

A girl asked me what the best gift for her boyfriend would be this v-day. I've had enough boyfriends to know.

Fellatio, all the way baby.

Well darlin', you had more balls than I did. We had to give cards to everyone too but I never did. I always left out a few, mainly the boys that constantly made fun of me and some of the girls that joined in their torture.

I hated V-day in grade school and highschool was no better. Everyone got hearts bought for them and put on their lockers. Mine was always empty. Without fail.

Now I have a wonderful man who loves me and gets me something every year. THough this year he almost ended up sleeping in the basement of the abandon house next door with the stray cat. I asked him to take me out to eat and he promptly said that that could be my present. I was like, It better not be all I get and he shouted back with "Do you think I'm made of money?" Then later, he informs me that he is going to Branson with his buddies next weekend.

Dumb. Real Dumb.

Ohhh how I hate Valentine's Day too. This story brought back memories of my worst Valentine's Day.... I was in eighth grade, and for some cruel reason, Valentine's balloons were being sold in our cafeteria to be delivered to one's admiree during eighth period on Valentine's Day. Knowing full well that I wouldn't get a balloon, I purchased one and had it sent to myself under "secret admirer," so that I wouldn't be so humiliated for being left out. I picked out a small lip shaped balloon-on-a-stick, because I didn't want to go overboard and have to lie to everyone about where it came from. Nevertheless, I still had a hard time trying to explain to the questioning popular kids who in the hell it might be that would send ME a balloon. :( Down with Valentines Day!!!!!

Hate to jump on the bandwagon...but...

If you only get that once a year? Valentine's Day ain't gonna fix what's wrong there.

("You" being, of course, a generic term.)

Women are easier to buy for than men. I'm still racking my brain to figure out what to get my guy. A blowjob will _definately_ not cut it. (Not that he wouldn't be thankful, but... ya know.. he'd be like 'Ummm okay, and that was different how?')

I don't know what happened to the cool kids...

I cannot help but think of the Clerks animated episode that parodies the end of Stand By Me: ...Skeeter was drafted and killed in Vietnam. Bobby became Senator Robert Blutarsky etc.

And then, of course, there's this sentimental slob (from Craigslist):
"Valentine Day really sucks! I am remember being a fat unloved dorky kid, I would hand out dozens of Valentine's and never get one in return. So from a young age, I realized that giving love to others DOES NOT equate into getting love in return. So probably by age 10 I had no use for this useless holiday created by Madison Ave along with the florists and greeting card companies. Although now with the greedy women of this world, the jewelers have been brought into the loop! Jewelry is a MUST in order to show your love (roses aren't good enough anymore)

I remember Ms S---- who began dating me on Thanksgiving only to dump me the day after Valentine's Day. Eff her, at least she left the jewelry I bought her for Xmas on top of my piano.

My late wife and I had one of worse fights ever on V-Day. Of course if I knew that she was going to die 2 years later, I would have cut her some slack and not kept fighting, oh well, she's gone now

But my ex-wife was the biggest pain in the ass. She had to out so much effort into the effing thing, like she was planning a stinking wedding and Cafe Des Artistes wasn't good enough next year we had to go to Cafe Pierre and she planned that out months in advance, etc.

Upshot is I had to dump her a day later. I am very greatful that I won't have to see her morbid ass again this year. Eff her and eff VD Day!

eff all you pancake beeyotches!"

I've a solution to the body armor. Buy a thick down comforter. If she doesn't want to be a sweat ball after she falls asleep, there will have to be nakedness. And, to ensure nakedness, buy some zillion thread count egyptian cotten sheets too.

Hockey Night In Canada: Somewhat free
Cold CANADIAN beer in the fridge: 20 bucks
Don Cherry Ranting: Funny and very disturbing
Sitting on the couch with the guy I love but am too scared to tell him, on V-Day, all the while watching my Canucks loose to the Mighty Ducks: PRICELESS!! :)

Loved the story Wil. :) Very cool. I can't stand it when men get told that if they don't buy us women a diamond or whatever on V-Day they are usless and uncaring. It's not about the stuff. It's about the love. heehee yeah. I'm corny.

...once-a-year blowjob... That's why GOD in his infinite and compassionate mercy and wisdom created gay boys.

Wil, everytime I read a selection from your "creative writing" department, I get jealous that my writing is no where near as charming as yours, inspired that maybe one day it might be, and frustrated that I do not yet have a copy of Dancing Barefoot. Which i guess is good, since i have midterms coming up.

Oh and PS: in 3rd grade I left a secret admirer note on my best friend Colin's desk, and never had the guts to tell him it was from me. But he later turned out to be gay, so I guess I didn't miss out on much there...

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