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June 01, 2004

all the things that make us laugh and cry

Bad News: Looks like I didn't book any of those voice over jobs, since it's been over a week and I haven't heard anything.

Good News: WWdN reader Zack, was inspired by the possibility of my joining the cast, and penned the following missive, which made me giggle, then laugh, then fall over.

Not necessarily in that order.

FADE IN:

INT. DRUNKEN CLAM - NIGHT

BRIAN sits down at the bar with a martini, depressed. He SIGHS. Sitting next to him is WIL WHEATON, who notices.

WIL WHEATON
Something wrong?

BRIAN
Oh, I feel like no one treats me with respect, and judges me before they get to know me.

WIL WHEATON
Really? Same thing happens with me. What's your problem?

BRIAN
Eh, I'm a talking dog.

WIL WHEATON
(takes a drink)
Mmm.

BRIAN
What's yours?

WIL WHEATON
Oh, I played Wesley on 'Star Trek: The Next Generation.'

Brian's eyes go wide with horror. Wil notices. PETER and QUAGMIRE walk up. Peter has a beer.

WIL WHEATON (CONT'D)
What?

BRIAN
(caught)
Oh? Uh, um, nothing, nothing.
(points)
Hey, is that one of those old 'Narc' arcade games? Where, you ah, yeah --

He dissolves into mumbles as he quickly gets up and rushes off. Wil looks dejected. Peter pokes Wil.

PETER
Hey, ah, just one question -- ?

WIL WHEATON
Yeah?

PETER
Did you, ah, did you ever...you know, think about Dr. Crusher when you...?

He makes a 'come on' gesture.

WIL WHEATON
What? I...I...she was my MOM!

PETER
(egging him on)
Yeah, but she was just an ACTRESS...

WIL WHEATON
Trust me, I...

PETER
(overlapping)
It's okay, I just wanna--

WIL WHEATON
You're making me uncomfortable...

PETER
Come on, I'm not trying to give you a hard time, just, you know, I'm a fan, I'm curious -- hell I'd have done it. I mean, she was hot, huh?

Wil relaxes a little.

WIL WHEATON
Well..
(laughs)
Well, maybe there was this ONE time--

PETER
(cuts him off)
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

WIL WHEATON
(overlapping)
Wha--

PETER
She's -- she's your MOM! I didn't think you'd actually ADMIT --

WIL WHEATON
Wait, you said --

PETER
That is the sickest...you, you -- GOD!

He throws his beer in Wil's face and stomps off. Quagmire looks at Wil with disgust.

QUAGMIRE
Pervert.

He walks off, unbuckling his belt as he goes.

QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)
(from off)
Hey ladies, anyone wanna play 'Clamdigger?'

Wil stares as we hear SCREAMS and a loud SLAP.

QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)
(from off)
Oh!

FADE OUT.

THE END.

Posted by wil at June 1, 2004 02:00 PM

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