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May 04, 2005
on a steady diet of . . .
I'm really proud of the work I do for The Onion AV Club . . . so this morning, before I officially clock into work at nine, I thought I'd excerpt some recent stuff that I thought was funny. (Click the titles for the full columns)
PonpokoGameplay: Depending on whom you ask, Ponpoko is a squirrel, a cat, a raccoon, or a creepy dude dressed as a furry. His(?) mission is clearly laid out in the jaunty little tune that plays during attract mode:
Run run Ponpoko
To eat the fruits
Jump bound around
With your big belly out
Following in the successful footsteps of Donkey Kong, Ponpoko wants to climb higher and higher up each level, eating fruits and scoring big points. He has to watch out for deadly thumbtacks, though, and these... uh... mouse-scorpion-snake things that, for some reason, want to kill him. And the magic pots will sometimes hold oodles of bonus points . . . or deadly naked-snake-baby things. Which also want to kill him. Poor misunderstood Ponpoko! All he wants to do is jump bound around with his big belly out!
Could be mistaken for: A nightmare weekend at a furry convention.
Kids today might not like it because: Trying to figure out exactly what the hell Ponpoko is could very well drive them insane.
Kids today might like it because: If they play more than 10 minutes, their brains will help them cope by making them think they're high. It's cheap and legal, and they don't have to pretend they have glaucoma!
After Ponpoko ran, I got a lot of e-mail from people who told me that Ponpoko is, in fact, a creature from Japanese mythology. Hideka wrote
You may know this already, but Ponpoko is likely a raccoon dog/Tanuki. In Japanese folklore, it was kinda believed to have magic powers, and it can morph into many things to deceive human beings. Also, Tanuki was said to drum his/her own belly like gorillas pound their chest when it's full moon. The drumming sound is often described as "ponpoko" thus the name for the character.
WWdN reader C. sent me a link to a page filled with interesting Tanuki facts, and "Captain Tanuki" informed me that
What the game leaves out is another image from folklore: the tanuki as virility symbol, depicted in print and statuary with basketball-sized 'nads dragging underneath.
You mean . . . Ponpoko is a distant relative of Nutsack Squirrel?! Awesome.
Okay, moving along . . .
TapperEnduring contribution to gaming history: Parents, not realizing that supplying Budweiser is the best way to convince kids to swear off beer for life, forced Bally Midway to replace Tapper with Root Beer Tapper. It's the same game, but without the beer. Luckily, the cheerleaders survived the conversion.
One more, which is from this week —
Wait. This has nothing to do with anything, but there's a woodpecker on a telephone pole in my backyard, doing his woodpecking thing, and it sounds pretty cool. For mysterious reasons that are best left unexplained, it's in perfect time with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that just started playing on my iMac's iTunes library, about five feet down my desk. Weird.
Okay, sorry. I'm back. Last one, which is from this week's edition of Games of our Lives:
BagmanGameplay: In a poetic metaphor for the inherent unfairness of life, when you drop one of your hard-earned money bags on a guard, he'll fall down for a few seconds and quickly get back up, but if he so much as touches you, you die. If things get too dicey, you can also flee in a mine cart, but be careful: They'll run you over just as easily as they'll whisk you to safety. (Figure out that metaphor on your own, and turn it in next week. Two hundred words or less, please.)
Kids today might not like it because: Even though he's obviously a convicted criminal, Bagman doesn't have a recording contract or a pimped-out Escalade.
Kids today might like it because: Bagman's flagrant disregard for safety and authority is an inspiration to all.
I am happy, honored, and proud to be a part of Team Onion. In fact, the first assignment I'm completing today is Games of our Lives.
And yesterday, I got the preliminary outline for one of my new books completed . . . oh man, it's going to be so much fun to write!
Ponpoko is also a BRILLIANT animated movie by the same studio that brought us "Spirited Away", "Naussica of the Valley of the Wind" and "Princess Mononoke". See http://www.nausicaa.net/miyazaki/pompoko/ for the full info. Disney holds the American rights, but hasn't distributed it yet. Probably because they haven't figured out how to deal with the whole 'nads issue, which is... er... promiment.
-Chris
Posted by: Animeraider![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.wilwheaton.net/nav-commenters.gif)
at May 4, 2005 09:01 AM
and someday... I promise... I'll learn how to spell
Posted by: Animeraider at May 4, 2005 09:02 AM
Wasn't there a Tanuki character in Super Mario 3 that a person could turn into an odd stone statue with?
Posted by: MlSkine at May 4, 2005 09:27 AM
Quote: You mean . . . Ponpoko is a distant relative of Nutsack Squirrel?!
Bwahahhahahaha!
And where did they get the idea. Why here of course.
http://www.allyourbasearebelongtous.com/flash/
at May 4, 2005 09:32 AM
"Parents, not realizing that supplying Budweiser is the best way to convince kids to swear off beer for life..."
Beer God Karma dictates that they also may in-fact develop a taste for the said blasphemic consumable and only stock their refridgerator with it when you visit them in their adult years.
Is this a chance you want to take mister!!?
Posted by: Ranimal at May 4, 2005 09:47 AM
It seems Ponpoko and Goofy have a lot in common. After all these years I still have no idea what either creature really is.
Posted by: Adamant at May 4, 2005 10:35 AM
Tom Robbins book Villa Incognito has tanukis in it. I'd never heard of them, and am still a bit unsure if they actually exist or not. Regardless, the book is quite good.
Posted by: starflow at May 4, 2005 11:15 AM
I never got past the first level of Bagman *cries like a child*
Posted by: Eric in PA at May 4, 2005 11:59 AM
i love that you take the time to include the randomness of your life as well. i tend to write long involved letters that often involve story telling and random rabbit trails like your woodpecker of this entry. I don't know why exactly... but i think thats fantastic.
~jolene
Posted by: Jolene at May 4, 2005 12:16 PM
I'm reading and posting on WWdN, listening to streaming radio (ahem) and playing Tapper on my C-64 emulator.
What's the big deal?
The big deal is, I'm doing all this from a laptop on I-40, about 30 miles west of Flagstaff, heading toward Las Vegas. Using my Palm Treo smartphone as a modem on my laptop.
Super c00l.
--AJ @ Egg Radio
Posted by: AJ at May 4, 2005 12:38 PM
I might be mistaken... but I think when Mario got the leaf in Mario 3, he gained what was technically called the "Tanuki Suit".
Posted by: GianniSchicchi at May 4, 2005 01:15 PM
Lord, Wil, sometimes you are so random. ^_^ Nutsack Squirrel - America's fertility god.
-- "Just because it's flaming doesn't mean it's Baked Alaska."
at May 4, 2005 01:39 PM
AJ: are you driving, too!? Damn, can you multi-task or what! Regardless, I hope you have Moon Buggy on your C64 emulator.
Posted by: EdwoodCA at May 4, 2005 02:56 PM
The Tapper entry was hilarious! Especially appreciated the Budweiser slam. If available, you should check out Flying Dog ales--they're a brewery out of Denver, CO--I had to buy a sixer of "In Heat Wheat" just for the label. That it doesn't suck is a bonus.
Cheers!
at May 4, 2005 04:04 PM
Wil, from one former Complete Asshole to another, I'm nothing but glad we both turned out the way we did (you may have read an earlier post a couple months back when I comment on meeting you years back...)
I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading everything you write. Well, except for the poker stuff...but that's only because I've never played real poker so to me you might as well be typing those posts in cyrillic.
But anyway, your handling of those old games is awesome, giving them just the right amount of respect but recognizing part of why we remember them so fondly is because of myopic nostalgia.
Posted by: MadMonarchVoards at May 4, 2005 04:30 PM
Love your work for the AV Club. I've been reading it and The Onion for a long time now, so I was giddy when they added the new features.
Bravo.
Found your site when you said that "Wil Wheaton is sick of your bullshit," and the name sounded familiar from TNG reruns on Spike. Like it.
at May 4, 2005 05:14 PM
Wil Wheaton is sick of your bullshit.
Uh... gee... I'm sorry, Wil. I'll just go crawl under this rock over here. Yeah...
Posted by: Alan at May 4, 2005 05:50 PM
"Sick of your bullshit" was actually just a filler joke, that I tossed into that column when I turned it in, so I could think of something funnier to put there.
But my editor thought it was funny, so it stayed in.
So, just to be clear, I can take about another four miles of your bullshit; then I'm turning this car around and going straight back home. And you'll never see the Grand Canyon.
Posted by: Wil at May 4, 2005 05:53 PM
Four miles, huh?
*grins maniacally, rubs hands together*
I hear the Grand Canyon is overrated anyway.
at May 4, 2005 07:10 PM
i, too, was going to mention the tanuki suit of SMB3! the way i remember it, though, it allowed you to don a squirrel suit and fly.
Posted by: arifa at May 4, 2005 09:58 PM
Wil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..
Not sure if anyone mentioned this before...
You should also Publish a *Book* of ALL your Blogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, I kinda think it would be worth looking through... hehe :)
Cheers,
Keith (That Guy you never return Emails to).. hahaha
Posted by: Keith L. Dick at May 5, 2005 01:05 AM
hi wil,
i'm sooo excited about your new book! I can't wait! I was given JAG for my birthday this year, and I read sooo fast! it was amazing! You really do need to come over the pond to the UK! Then we can have the privalege (spelling???) of seeing you in person! Pleeeeease!
hope all is well,
take care
Rach
at May 5, 2005 02:01 AM
Ok.. Wil, I never got anywhere near any of those games but I was a huge young Donkey Kong fan..
Do you remember the TRS-80 computer or was this only an australian invention? It was the rival to the Commodore computer.
Well, have a good one and stay sane!
at May 5, 2005 03:18 AM
p.s.. I think it was the commodore but I could be wrong... I am starting to feel old now..lol
Hugs and take care.
Lesley
at May 5, 2005 03:20 AM
Wil,
Have you checked out the GLoomy Bear collection? It's the best! It's a Japanese toy that mauls it's entire GB collection! I have the wind up one.
Posted by: Mrs. Mogul at May 5, 2005 03:22 AM
Hi Wil,
Not exactly on topic, but I'd meant to share this with you before and I forgot. Go figure. Anyway, thought you would appreciate this:
"Poker is to cards and games what jass is to
music. It's this great American thing, born
and bred here. We dig it because everybody
can play." ~Steve Lipscomb, creator of the
World Poker tour.
My husband and his buddies are avid poker players... they play mostly texas hold 'em. We have regular poker nights at our house. I don't usually play 'cause I'm supposed to be the galley wench, but it's always a fun night. Even got him a fancy shmancy set of personalized, casino-weight chips for his birthday.
And for anyone near Atlantic City, the Tropicana has been doing Hold 'em tournaments for a while now. Cheap buy ins...something like $40 for $500 in chips to start. It's all kinds o' fun.
Posted by: TheSingah at May 5, 2005 05:47 AM
anybody remember Bugaboo (Boogaboo??) on the C64? we had a pirated version (don't ask -- i don't think my dad ever legally purchased any software - he enjoyed hacking too much) and i never had any directions -- what the hell was the point of that game and did anyone ever make it up out of the canyon?
anyone remember the space shuttle game from c-64? man, i wish they'd make that for ps2 today . . . i never got to finish a game since it took so long for everything to load.
*sigh* i can't believe i've been a WW fan for so long and only now discovered this site. i have years of posts to catch up on plus the stuff at onion a/v.
so very glad to see your presence out here in internet-ville, wil. and i'm keeping my fingers triple crossed that you get a damn good part soon and get back into films. you rock.
at May 5, 2005 06:59 AM
Hi Wil,
I'm a chemist and work for a pharmaceutical company.
Green/yellow mucus is generally a sinus infection.
For a sinus infection, I would take sinutab. Also place a towel over your head and place ur head over a bowl of steaming hot water. (Add olbas oil if you have it.)
If the infection doesnt ease within 48 hours, then you should go to your local doctor and get a prescription antibiotic.
I would not rush to take an antibiotic first, as it will ultimately weaken your immune system in the long run. They should only be used as a last resort. Take care buddy, get well soon
-Noel
at May 13, 2005 12:56 PM
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